A snowflake for greatesthits! (2/2)

[snowmods09]

Ren had been in a very good mood for the past week and for obvious reasons. Thanks to that, he had even done great at his soccer practice – Hara didn’t miss informing him of that – and had even finished writing Shota’s interview.

He was truly satisfied with his work so he was overjoyed when his professor praised him. She was enthusiastic and didn’t point out many corrections to do. Therefore, he edited the article right at that moment, in her office, and forwarded it to her email once he had finished.

Kagawa had also questioned him if he knew Snow Man personally, and upon hearing his affirmative answer, the woman asked if he had gotten advice like adding pictures from someone. She was clearly hinting at Sakuma, her former student, and he replied with a simple, “Maybe.”

The woman laughed at that before dismissing him since she had other students to meet. Ren exited the office with a grin on his face, which grew wider when he saw a text from Shota.

You have a meeting with your professor right now? I’m at the exit close to the soccer field. Meet me there when you finish.

Ren immediately wrote his reply to Shota, telling him that he was going there right now, and hurried to meet the other. In less than ten minutes, he was already at his destination, taking in the view of Shota waiting by his car more well-dressed than usual. He was even sporting a fedora hat and a pair of glasses he had never seen on him before.

So, this is Shota-kun when he does things seriously, he thought.

The man was scrolling through his phone and noticed Ren only when he was some steps away from him.

“Hey,” Ren greeted him.

“Yo,” Shota replied, “You came by train today, didn’t you? I’ll drive you home.”

“Got it…” Ren could only say as he got in Shota’s car, taken aback by the man’s behavior. He wouldn’t have ever expected him to act that way, but then again, from now on, there would be even more unknown parts of Shota waiting to be explored as they had gone well past the friend zone.

Shota waited for Ren to settle on the passenger’s seat before he set off.

“How did the meeting go? Did Kagawa-san like your interview?”

“She did. I received a lot of praise for it.”

“When will it be published in the university’s journal?”

“Some people have not handed in the assignment yet, but the deadline is next week. So maybe the one after that,” Ren explained, “I’ll grab a copy for you too once it’s out.”

“I’d appreciate that.”

Ren’s content smile refused to go away as he realized that it was the first time that they were having a proper conversation about their daily happenings like couples did. It was a very fulfilling sensation, the one that was running through his body at the moment, and he couldn’t help but watch fondly the man beside him.

His stare must have been obvious since Shota reprimanded him. “Don’t stare at me like that. I’m driving.”

“Am I bothering you? I don’t understand—Ah, right, your heart skips beats when I look at you,” he teased him, “I’ll stop then, you must focus on driving.”

“You little…” Shota hissed, causing Ren’s laughter to echo in the car. The man blushed, but instead of biting back at Ren’s teasing, he changed the topic. “Say, do you have some time right now?”

“I do, why?”

“I want to bring you somewhere.”

“Really?” he asked, surprised.

Somehow, he wouldn’t have expected Shota to do that. Maybe because the one who had always started things had been him, so that’s why he didn’t imagine Shota to be the one leading this time.

“I—I want to make it up to you.”

He frowned when he heard that. “What do you mean?”

Shota was wearing an apologetic expression on his face. “I’ve made you suffer a lot, so now I want to make you happy.”

As endearing as it was, Ren wasn’t that excited that Shota felt that he had to do something for him as if he still had to be forgiven for something. Sure, what he said was the truth, Ren had indeed suffered because of him, but Shota had apologized already and had even told him his true feelings. What happened before was water under the bridge to Ren. He wasn’t even thinking about that anymore.

“You don’t have to make it up to me,” he reassured the other, not wishing for him to feel burdened by his mistakes even now.

“But I want to,” Shota insisted.

“You can just drive me home and I’ll be happy anyway,” he declared. And, well, not like that wasn’t true. Even just being able to talk with Shota like this was happiness for him.

“So, you don’t want to go eat shortcake with me?”

Ren opened his mouth before closing it again when his mind processed what the other had said. Narrowing his eyes, he smirked at Shota. “Are you asking me out on a date?”

Shota’s mouth was left agape for some seconds before the man muttered in panic. “No…?”

“No?”

“Yes…?”

“Yes?”

“Give me a break!” Shota exclaimed with his cheeks painted deep red.

Ren kept on laughing at that adorable sight but he composed himself when he saw that Shota was really at his limit.

“You know, you can ask me out on a date casually. We’re dating after all.”

“Are we?” Shota asked, cautiously.

“Didn’t we talk about it while we were making out at yours that night?”

Shota tilted his head to the side, “I don’t think so.”

“Ask me now then.”

The man’s eyes bulged as he heard that. “Me?”

“You’re the one taking me out on a date, aren’t you?”

At that moment, Shota stopped at a traffic light and gulped down before exhaling a sigh.

“Let’s go out,” Shota said at first, but when he peeked at Ren from the corner of his eyes, he corrected himself. “Shall we go out?”

“If you have to say it, then do it properly. What’s that?” Ren complained.

Not like he would have turned him down anyway, but after all the pining he had put up with because of him, it was pretty fair to him requesting a proper confession.

Shota closed his eyes and sighed deeply, and Ren hoped that he wasn’t regretting having fallen for him. But then, Shota shifted slightly on his seat so that he could face him, and then looked at him with a serious gaze.

“Meguro Ren, would you be my boyfriend?”

“Of course, Shoppi,” he affirmed, letting slip the nickname with which he would have liked to call Shota since he first heard it. He caught the surprise in the other’s gaze at the hearing of that, and he felt satisfied enough.

“It’s green now so let’s go,” Ren said, pointing at the traffic light.

Shota resumed driving while rumbling under his breath, “You’re insufferable.”

The place Shota had taken him to was a tiny bakery shop, which was bigger than what it had looked from the outside though. A gentle chime announced their arrival as they entered, and a voice coming from the shop’s back greeted them.

“Welcome! I’ll be there in a minute!”

“No need to rush, Nami-chan, it’s just me,” Shota said.

“Nabesho?!” the owner of the voice exclaimed before appearing from the sliding door that led to the back.

In front of them, there was a woman dressed in a white jersey and wearing a white apron; her hair was gathered in a ponytail. Judging by her appearance, she must have been the owner of the shop.

“In flesh and bones,” Shota replied, smiling.

“I haven’t seen you since forever! Where have you been hiding—Oh, that’s right, you’re a celebrity now, of course you have to lay low.”

“Stop that, please,” the man laughed, even if the pleased smile on his face showed that he was at least a bit content about it.

“So, how come you’re here?”

Shota pointed to Ren. “This is a friend of mine, I wanted to have him taste your cakes.”

The woman scanned Ren up and down before grinning, “It’s quite rare for Nabesho to bring someone here. You must be quite the special one. Anyway, I’m Arata Nami, nice to meet you.”

Ren couldn’t help but smile proudly when he heard that. He still introduced himself to the girl keeping a straight face, but he threw a quick smug glance at his, well, boyfriend, who pretended to not see it.

To be honest, Ren had turned up his nose when Shota had introduced him as his friend, but he was glad to know that at least he could be considered a ‘special’ one.

After some chit-chat, Shota ordered two slices of shortcake, while he told Nami that they were going to sit on the terrace on the other side of the shop. It was pretty small – only a few tables were there – but it was cozy. The ornament plants that ran along its sides also helped in creating a relaxing atmosphere.

“So? Do you like it here?” a nervous Shota asked, taking off his hat and placing it on the table.

“Yeah, even though I’ve never been here, it feels familiar.”

“I know, right? This place’s got this special aura.”

“How do you know it? You and Nami-san seemed pretty close.”

“I told you that Date and I have known each other since kindergarten, right?” Shota asked, and waited for Ren to give him a nod to continue. “Well, she was there as well. Date had to move to another city due to his parent’s job at some point, while Nami-chan and I stayed in contact even throughout our school days. Her parents have owned this bakery for quite a while, and just recently they’ve let her sell her cakes here.”

Ren hummed, crossing his arms over the table, “So, can I consider this as you introducing me to one of your beloved ones?”

Shota, who was leaning on the table just a few seconds before, immediately put some distance between them and rested his back on his chair. “I just wanted you to try the shortcake.”

“We’ve had a slow start but we’re going pretty steady it seems,” Ren continued.

“Listen—”

At that moment, Nami came with their orders, putting the two slices of shortcake down and also serving them two cups of tea.

“It goes well with it,” she explained, before leaving them alone so she could attend to other customers.

Ren had to admit that Shota was right, Nami’s shortcake was indeed delicious, probably one of the best he had ever had. Upon knowing that, Shota raised his fist in victory, grinning proudly. Looking at that, he chuckled in amusement, before he noticed that Shota had some whipped cream on the corner of his mouth just like the last time, and couldn’t help but comment on it.

“You do eat sloppily sometimes, huh,” he observed.

“What?”

Ren stretched out his hand to wipe the cream with his finger before showing it to the other, “See?” After, he licked his finger, “You should be more careful.”

“Does it happen often?”

Putting down his fork, Ren proceeded to fish out his phone out of his jacket’s pocket to show Shota the picture he had snapped back at Sakuma’s holiday mansion. Needless to say that the man remained speechless in front of that evidence.

“When did you even take it? How could I have not realized that?”

“I guess I have more skills than paparazzi in stolen shots.”

“Delete that,” Shota ordered him.

“I definitely won’t,” he affirmed, putting back his phone in his pocket before his boyfriend tried to steal it from his hands to cancel the picture; that man was unpredictable after all. In the process, he saw that there was an incoming message from Raul, asking him if he could accompany him to a certain store – the boy had indeed told him days ago that he needed to search for a present for his brother’s birthday.

“Shoppi,” he said, ignoring Shota clicking his tongue, “Do we have anywhere else to go to on your date plan? Raul asked me if I could accompany him somewhere.”

“I haven’t planned anything else after this.”

“Then I’ll let him know I can—Wait!” Ren stopped himself as an idea crossed his mind, “We could go pick him up together. It could be the chance to tell him about us.”

In contrast to Ren’s enthusiasm, Shota’s face was reflecting anything else but excitement.

“Tell him?”

Ren’s smile faded as he heard the other’s hesitant tone. “Is there a problem?”

“I’d prefer if we could keep this a secret for the time being,” Shota confessed. Somehow, he seemed uneasy all of a sudden.

“Why so?”

“It doesn’t sit right with you?”

“I’d prefer to know the reason why we need to hide our relationship,” Ren stated, frankly.

Shota’s fingers began tapping the table nervously, while Ren waited for an answer. He was eager to tell Raul about it because they had always shared with each other happy and important moments, and that was definitely one of them. He wanted to tell him about Shota, finally letting out how much he liked him, without having to hide anymore.

If before he was afraid of being teased for his crush, now he would have totally welcomed any eventual joke or remark about it. Yes, he had totally fallen for Watanabe Shota, who was now his boyfriend. He was craving to proudly admit it at last. So, if Shota really wanted to still continue this to be a secret, he needed to hear his reasons.

Of course he didn’t mean to go public or else, but just like Hikaru and Fukka, he hoped to be able to say it to the people who mattered.

“I—I don’t think it’s the right time to tell them. You know, the debut and such—”

“Knowing that we’re together could get in the way of your debut? How?”

“Meme,” the man spoke with a serious voice, “It’s important to me, alright? I also told you that I prefer to keep my matters private, didn’t I?”

Ren couldn’t bear Shota’s pleading gaze, so he averted his eyes and fixed them on his plate. “I just don’t want to hide or hold myself back even when we’re with our friends.”

He had his hands clasped together, and he got taken by surprise when Shota covered them with his. His boyfriend held onto them tenderly, “I promise we’ll tell them one day but for now, can’t we keep it to ourselves?”

Even though he could have retorted with something or complained, Ren decided to trust Shota. Be it his soft and gentle tone, which Ren didn’t even know he possessed, or the fear of having their first – but not really first – fight, Ren was convinced to wait. If for Shota it was such a major thing, then he would have to compromise, as much as he didn’t like the idea.

There was one thing though that he had understood that afternoon, or rather, that he noticed for the first time. He didn’t know if it was because he wasn’t aware of that, but Ren was now finally able to spot in Shota’s eyes the baggage Shota had mentioned. Somehow, amidst the sparkle that Ren brought upon, there was also that.

He couldn’t help but start wondering for real what had even happened in Shota’s past.

— — — — — — — — —

Freshly printed, the university’s journal was present in all major wings of the building. Ren picked up two copies as soon as he had finished his lessons for the day and opened one of them to check his article. Everything was in its place. Having stayed up all night to finish editing it had definitely been worth it.

After admiring his work – and Shota’s pictures – some more, he hurried to reach his car and drove to the studio where Snow Man was rehearsing. They agreed to meet there so he could show them the interview after that.

As he had anticipated, the group was even more excited than Ren himself when he handed them the journal. Sakuma had even started reading the interview out loud causing Shota to hide behind Ren for the embarrassment. The hardest part for him seemed to have been the one where he was voicing his feelings for Snow Man and its members.

“People may not know that, but Shoppi is indeed a softie,” Ren affirmed, gaining a light punch on his back from the older man – and some stares from the others, since it was the first time he called him ‘Shoppi’ in front of them.

Ren was extremely glad that everyone enjoyed the article, and they even thanked him for promoting their debut in the last bits of the piece. They also warned him that some journalists may come to search for him if they found out about this interview. They may think that Ren was someone close to Snow Man, and would have tried to force out some information about them.

Ren was perfectly aware of the risk and swore that he would never sell them any information. Snow Man were much more important to him than some penny gained in such a low way. When he said that, the ones who looked slightly more grateful were Hikaru and Fukazawa for obvious reasons — and Shota, who sneakily rubbed his back, affectionately.

His boyfriend had a proud expression on his face the whole time, even when they were going back to Ren’s car and he refused to tear his gaze off the journal.

“So? Proud enough of your boyfriend?”

It was at that point that Shota closed the journal at once, caught red-handed, “I was just realizing how many good things I’ve said.”

“If you say so,” he shrugged, winking at him.

The man gave back the journal to Ren while pushing him playfully, before changing the topic. “Anyway, we told the others that you’re dropping by Raul’s place and that I’m coming along because I need to give him something. But how much of it is true?”

“Well, I do have to give a copy of the journal to Raul,” Meme replied, going around his car and placing back the journal.

“Isn’t the other copy yours?” Shota asked, pointing to the copy that was sitting in the backseat of the car.

“The journal’s club is going to send a copy to us apparently.”

Shota nodded. “So, what’s the plan after stopping at Raul’s?”

Ren observed as the other opened the door of his car while looking at him expectantly. Crossing his arms over his car, he leaned on his intertwined hands as he asked, “Why? You want to spend some quality time with your boyfriend?”

“I can’t really ask you anything without getting burned in the process, huh,” Shota complained.

Before Ren could continue on teasing him, though, Shota let out an annoyed groan.

“What happened?” he said while getting in the car.

“I forgot my phone in the studio. I’ll go get it.”

Shota went back to the studio while Ren settled down in the car. It was when he was fastening his seatbelt that he saw the same flashy guy he had met when he came here for the first time. The guy was going to enter the studio when he bumped into Shota who was coming out. Upon seeing him, the guy dragged him in a hug while ruffling his hair. Shota laughed as he combed it and fixed it.

They talked for a bit before parting. When Shota was going to enter the car though, the guy called him back.

“Nabesho! I’ll call you tomorrow to discuss that idea!”

“Sure!”

Ren was left staring at the guy disappearing into the studio.

He called Shota as Nami did, so he might have been another childhood friend like her. Weird though, that his boyfriend hadn’t mentioned him when they talked at Nami’s bakery.

“Say, he’s your childhood friend as well?”

“Who?”

“That guy,” Ren gestured with his head towards the studio.

Shota seemed to understand with that hint then. “Ah, no, not really. We just go way back. He also helps us with our songs’ lyrics.”

“Why was he calling you ‘Nabesho’ then?”

“He liked the nickname when he heard Nami-chan using it, and he’s been sticking with that ever since,” Shota explained.

“So you brought him there. He’s a special one too I suppose.”

“Well, yeah,” Shota affirmed. “His name is Tanaka Juri.”

Juri…?

Ren’s face stiffened right away, while his hands clutched the steering wheel tighter than needed, as his brain cells never worked that fast and reached a conclusion in such a short time.

All at once, he remembered what he knew about Shota’s past. Sakuma had told him that he was hiding behind a friendship; Shota had confessed to Ren that the breakup he had was still affecting him for ‘reasons’; Nami had said that Shota would only bring special people to that place, yet she didn’t mention any member from Snow Man going there.

Also, this Juri guy was one of the few to know about Hikaru and Fukazawa’s relationship. He was clearly someone close to both the band itself and its members. It wouldn’t be weird to think that that guy was related to Shota’s past after all.

Ren let go of the wheel and turned his face to look at his boyfriend. Shota noticed his burning stare and met his eyes.

“What is it? Why are you not setting off?”

“Wasn’t that guy hanging all over you way too much? He seemed to be pretty affectionate towards you.”

Shota widened his eyes at that question. “Meme, are you jealous? Of Juri?”

“What if I were?”

His boyfriend smirked, before flicking his forehead. “It’s unexpected, that’s all. But it’s cute, also.”

In other circumstances, Ren would have grasped Shota’s finger and pulled him in to steal a kiss from his lips, just to shut him up. But right now, he really felt the need to know who Juri really was.

“Shoppi, can I ask you a question? But I want you to tell me the truth.”

The man matched his serious attitude when he heard Ren’s grave tone.

“Got it. Shoot.”

He wanted to ask him if Juri was his ex-boyfriend, but as he struggled to make his words come out of his mouth, he realized that he might be overthinking it all. Ren wasn’t usually like this, moreover, he didn’t want to act like a jealous boyfriend who would get anxious every time someone came close to his lover.

He definitely didn’t want Shota to see him as such a person, so, he swallowed his doubts and improvised a question for the other.

“Can we get some dagashi on the way back?”

Shota blinked his eyes in confusion. “Yeah, of course. What was with all that solemnity?”

“I just really love dagashi, so if you weren’t okay with it, we might have had to break up. That’s it,” he said, quite satisfied with what he came up with.

“If you can put up with me and my endless sessions at the spas, then I can put up with dagashi.”

Ren nodded, but before turning on the engine of his car he flicked Shota’s forehead.

“That’s payback.”

Shota grumbled something that Ren didn’t really catch but nevertheless began talking of the single’s progress. Snow Man had finally decided to use the song they named after Miyadate’s club as the lead track. D.D. was the first place where they held a live show after all.

Ren discovered that Shota and Miyadate had reunited exactly because of that live show since Snow Man was searching for a club. They wanted to repay that place for all the memories and Miyadate had given them the green light to use D.D. as the name of the song – Shota even added that, “Of course he accepted, I mean, that’s going to bring him a lot of customers, isn’t it?”

He liked listening to Shota talk about what he liked, so, Ren set in the back of his mind the uneasy thoughts he had had before and focused on the Shota before him. The one of the present. No more dwelling in the past. Yeah.

— — — — — — — — —

“I didn’t like the ending, but it was a nice movie overall,” Shota commented as they exited the theater.

“Is that an indirect way to say that my pick wasn’t good?”

“I didn’t say that,” the man clarified. Then, anticipating what would have been Ren’s next question, he said right after, “And no, I don’t want to pick the next time. Whatever you choose is fine by me.”

“Even if it’s the Johnny English trilogy?”

Shota rolled his eyes, “Yeah, I’ll still watch that. Even if you’re going to make me watch it time and time again.”

Ren raised his eyebrow, curious, “And why would you do that?”

“Well, because as long—” Shota cut himself off before he could finish the sentence. The man then waved a hand in front of him, and began walking away on the sidewalk, “Forget it. Let’s go.”

Ren caught up with him, getting a hold of Shota’s hand and pulling him towards his side, causing their bodies to collide and sway slightly right and left.

“Were you perhaps going to say that as long as we’re watching it together then you’ll have fun?”

“As if!” Shota was quick to deny that.

Ren tugged at his hand a few more times hoping to have him admit it, but Shota stubbornly refused, while shoving their intertwined hands as if he was going to get free from Ren’s grip, but not really doing it.

Then the man started wondering where they should go next just to change the topic, since they still had some time before dinner, and they reasoned over that while strolling hand in hand. Due to the mask his boyfriend was wearing, Ren couldn’t see his expression, but judging by how loose his grip was, it was clear that Shota was currently relaxed, and that was enough for him to tell that he was having fun.

Since this was only their second date, Ren was still trying to understand how to adjust himself around Shota. One thing was being beside him as a friend, but another one was going out as boyfriends – and not getting found out by fans or paparazzi in the meanwhile. Even though Shota firmly believed that no one would have spotted him even if they kissed in broad daylight since Snow Man still hadn’t reached the peak of their promo season.

Nevertheless, Ren would check for any suspicious person from time to time, since above everything he wanted nothing to happen to Shota and his dream.

“Ah, Cinnamoroll.”

Ren had to interrupt his patrol session as he got distracted by his boyfriend.

“What?”

“Cinnamoroll, there.”

Shota pointed to a board some meters away from them that was standing in front of an arcade. Getting closer, they read that there was a new Cinnamoroll prize in one of the claw cranes inside. Ren remembered that Raul had mentioned something about Shota being compared to Cinnamoroll by his fans, and in no time an idea came up to him.

“Let’s try to win it.”

“Cinnamoroll?” Shota asked, perplexed.

“He’s you basically, isn’t it?”

“I already have a plushie Fukka won for me some years ago.”

Ren didn’t let that put him down, as he had something different in mind. “Who said that it’s for you?”

At that, Shota looked at him curiously, tilting his head to the side. “What do you mean?”

“If I win it, then it will just be like having you next to me the whole time.”

He didn’t need to lower the other’s mask to know that his boyfriend must have been blushing at that moment.

When he moved to enter the arcade, though, he felt Shota holding him back, so he turned around to check what was wrong.

“Do… we really have to go there? I mean, if you want Cinnamoroll then I can just buy you one at a Sanrio store.”

Somehow, Shota seemed very reluctant to enter the arcade, and Ren wondered if the reason had to do with the place itself or with the fact that there was a higher chance to bump into some fans there.

“You think your fans can be here for this?” he asked, pointing at the prize shown on the board.

“No, not really, I didn’t mean that…” Shota muttered, “I just don’t like arcades that much.”

“I see,” Ren could only state. Nevertheless, he still wanted to have a try at winning that Cinnamoroll prize, so he couldn’t do much for the pout that formed on his face.

He really didn’t do it on purpose to appear sulking so that Shota would accompany him inside, but that expression had that effect, since his boyfriend sighed and accepted to go.

“Alright, let’s win this Cinnamoroll.”

“Really?” Ren exclaimed, surprised.

“Yeah, come on,” Shota said, as he dragged Ren inside.

The claw crane with the Cinnamoroll plushie was at the end of the first hallway they entered. Luckily, there didn’t seem to be anyone playing it, so Ren took the tokens they had exchanged and started his challenge immediately.

However, despite being a passionate guy who could make miracles happen, Ren had to face the truth that, when it came to claw cranes, willpower and tenacity didn’t help much.

At the umpteenth failed attempt, Ren groaned loudly. He was aware of the hardships of this game, but he genuinely believed that at some point he would have managed to get the plushie. And yet, the big Cinnamoroll was still there, looking back at him as it witnessed his defeat.

“Meme, you tried your best. I think it’s enough,” Shota told him, patting his back, “I appreciate the effort nonetheless.”

“Shoppi, it’s between me and Cinnamoroll. Stay out of this.”

Shota burst out laughing at that. At least someone is having fun, Ren thought.

While he was analyzing the position of the plushie to understand what he should do in the next turn, Shota informed him that he was going to look around to see if there were any easier Cinnamoroll prizes to get.

When Ren was about to try again, he went to grab a token when he remembered that his boyfriend was holding onto them. So, he looked around and saw Shota standing by a Sanrio gachapon some game machines away from him. He approached him and noticed that Shota had just tried a pull.

“What are you doing?”

Shota giggled sheepishly, “I thought that a gachapon might be easier, and I was looking at the characters to see if Cinnamoroll was here, when I saw Badtz-Maru and somehow got reminded of you.”

Ren moved closer to stare at the character and his heart throbbed with adoration since Shota had seen Ren in a penguin with his tongue sticking out, showing his mischievous side. In the end, his boyfriend liked Ren’s playful side, huh. Therefore, he changed his mission for that day and took it upon himself to catch Badtz-Maru for Shota.

“Let me try.”

“What about Cinnamoroll?”

“I’ll give you something that reminds you of me. I guess that’s how it should be, isn’t it?” Ren said as he counted the tokens in Shota’s hands, to see how many they had left. “Maybe we’ll have to exchange more of this, but I promise that I’ll do it. I may not be good at claw crane, but gachapons are about luck and I have faith in that.”

“Really?”

Ren took a token from Shota and in the meantime leaned in to whisper in his ear. “Well, I have met you, didn’t I?”

Shota looked away, not trusting even his mask to contain his flustered smile. Too bad that the wrinkles around his eyes gave it away anyway.

Inserting the coin into the machine, Ren turned the handle and a capsule came out. He opened it but it wasn’t Badtz-Maru. He put that aside as he tried one more time. and then another one, and then once more. It was after the 11th try, and with their last token too, that Ren did manage to get Badtz-Maru.

“Got it!” he exclaimed loudly, even gaining some startled glares from someone.

“Keep it down,” Shota reprimanded him.

Ren grinned as he held the keychain, letting Badtz-Maru sway in mid-air and showing it to Shota, who looked more pleased than he would probably admit. He brought it next to his face while asking, “So? Does it look like me?” He even stuck his tongue out to match the character’s pose.

Shota’s fingers brushed Ren’s ones as the man took the keychain in his hands, admiring it. “It does,” he affirmed, before raising his gaze to look up at Ren. “Thank you. I’ll cherish it—I’ll cherish the both of you.”

Shota seemed to have lost himself in Ren’s eyes since he wasn’t uttering a single word while staring at him. Then, in the blink of an eye, Shota threw a quick glance at their surroundings before lowering his mask and pecking Ren’s cheek.

Yes, he was definitely lucky.

— — — — — — — — —

Ren finished changing after his post-training shower when Hara came back to the locker room for him.

“Meme, someone’s looking for you outside,” the guy said. Coming closer, he then mumbled so that only he could hear him, “He said he’s a journalist. Maybe they want to interview you?”

Hara’s tone was thrilled, but unfortunately, Ren couldn’t share his excitement. If a journalist was there for him then there could only be one reason. That man wasn’t looking for ‘Meguro Ren’, he must have been looking for ‘Meguro Ren who interviewed Watanabe Shota’.

He had hoped to have avoided that, but Shota had informed him how some fans had shared the article’s pictures online, so it was only a matter of time until someone from the press got the news. Rather, they had been slower than they thought.

“Alright, thanks Hara.”

“Why don’t you look enthusiastic?”

“Because this is going to be a hassle.”

And indeed, when they exited the locker room and reached the stranger, as the man asked permission to record their conversation, Ren was already stressed out.

“Why do you want to talk to me?”

“I happened to find out about your interview with Watanabe Shota, and since you’re not yet a journalist or in the field in the first place, I presumed that you were his friend. Therefore, I’m here to ask you some questions about him and Snow Man.”

“I needed someone to interview. I reached his manager and we arranged an appointment. We had the interview and that’s it. I don’t know anything about him or Snow Man.” Ren replied with a stern tone, which didn’t give any room for any other questions. “If you’ll excuse me now, I have to go.”

Ren was already walking away when two pairs of hands blocked him by his arms.

“Any information you have would be fine. We just want to know more about the new groups who are going to debut next year,” the old man insisted.

“My friend said that he doesn’t have any relation with Snow Man,” Hara intervened, removing the journalist’s hands from Ren.

“Meguro-san,” the old man started, “Can we go somewhere else to talk? I’m sure we can also settle the price—”

“The price?” Ren repeated after him, the anger in him growing stronger by the second. He glared at the journalist as he hissed through his teeth, “Even if I knew them there would have been no way that I’d sell information to you or anyone else. There’s no price that could make me waver.”

The old man finally gave up as he let them go away. Ren was still scowling at him and Hara had to drag him away while attempting to calm him down. However, as they kept on walking through the campus to reach the exit, they noticed more people staring at them. All of them with notebooks and photo cameras hanging around their neck, and they all looked just about to approach them like the old man before.

Someone actually did but got the same treatment as the previous one. Ren was not going to spill anything about his boyfriend, or anyone from Snow Man. He would never betray them.

By the time Ren finally reached his car – with the great help of Hara – the journalists had gone away. He could still see some of them though still lurking around, so he rushed to get out of the campus.

He was supposed to go pick Shota up and drive him to Snow Man’s recording studio since the man had invited him to see it, but he was too afraid to do that. What if those journalists followed him? What if they found out not only that Ren indeed knew Snow Man, but that he also had a deeper bond with Shota?

Ren couldn’t let that happen, so he decided to drive home instead, and called Shota first thing after arriving.

“Meme? You’re already here? I still have to finish getting ready,” Shota said after replying to his call.

“No, Shoppi. I actually won’t be picking you up,” he informed him, “There’s bad news.”

“What? Are you okay? Something happened?” the other asked out of concern. The rustling sounds caused by his dressing up had even ceased as he waited for his reply.

“I’m okay, yeah. It’s just that what we feared happened. A bunch of paparazzi came to look for me at the campus.”

He heard Shota grumbling on the other hand of the line. Then, he asked, “What did you do?”

“What we agreed on. I told them that we just had an interview and that I didn’t know you personally. But…” he trailed off, sitting down on his bed as he sighed.

“But?”

“When I got offered money, I got so worked up that I might have given it away anyway.”

It’s a thought that came to him as soon as he stepped into his house. Thinking back on this reaction, he regretted having gotten out of control. He should have stayed composed but he wasn’t able to when the old man insisted, surely hoping to dig up some dirt.

“I’m sorry, Shoppi.”

“Don’t be. It’s not your fault. Also, the paparazzi might have taken you just as someone with the noblest values.”

Ren laughed at that, thankful that his boyfriend was trying to get a smile out of him.

“Did they follow you?” Shota asked after a moment of silence.

“I don’t think so, but I went straight home just to be sure, so they wouldn’t see you getting in my car.”

“Good call,” the man praised. “Indeed, we should be more careful from now on.”

Ren sighed heavily, already assuming what that implied. “I guess that we can’t see each other for the time being? At least not outside.”

“Yeah…” Shota replied, “I haven’t really experienced this in the past since at the time we were nobody, but I reckon that even just going out could be risky.”

Ren repeated those words in his mind, before realizing that Shota must have been talking about his previous relationship. After that time when he mentioned his breakup, Shota had never brought up the topic so Ren wondered if his boyfriend had let that slip out of his mouth without even realizing it.

Ren decided to hazard a question. “I guess you’re talking about your previous relationship, right?”

Shota paused for several seconds. Only silence came from his side, but he eventually spoke after what seemed an eternity to Ren. “Yeah, I’m talking about that. We broke up many years ago. Didn’t really have a serious relationship after that either.”

So much time and that breakup was still weighing on him? He couldn’t help but think. But then, the image of a guy, more precisely Takana Juri flashed before his eyes.

After his initial doubts after seeing how close Shota and Juri were, Ren couldn’t get his mind off his theory, so he tried to gather as much information as he could. He went through their Instagram profiles and realized he had missed how many pictures they had together, so he turned to Raul.

Using the excuse of the fact that he had bumped into him when going to the studio, he casually asked his friend for information about him, and he discovered that Shota and Juri had been quite close since when they started holding lives. Juri had overheard Snow Man talking about their new song and how they were struggling to come up with the lyrics, so the guy offered his help.

Since they had known each other for that long, the ‘we broke many years ago’ statement fitted perfectly, even more if he reasoned that forgetting an ex and a breakup was close to impossible when the said person was still present in daily life.

At that point, Ren couldn’t hold back anymore. He felt that he was going to burst if he didn’t ask Shota the truth. He needed to know if he had seen correctly, or if everything had just been his mind wildly jumping to conclusions.

“Meme, you’re still there?” Shota called for him at some point.

“Yeah, still here. Listen, Shoppi, there’s something I need to ask you,” he started, “And I need you to be completely honest.”

“Is it again about dagashi?” Shota joked, since the last time Ren had chickened out.

But this time Ren was going to get to the bottom of it. He wouldn’t run away.

“No, it’s something important.”

“Alright, ask me.”

Ren mustered his courage as he took a deep breath.

“Is Tanaka Juri your ex?”

Shota stayed silent for some seconds before bursting out laughing.

“What?! Juri?! My ex?!”

“Y-Yeah, why are you laughing?” Ren stuttered, not sure how to take that reaction.

“Have you gone mad?! How did you even think about that?”

“There are many hints that lead to him,” Ren defended his theory, listing all the reasons why he believed that Juri was Shota’s ex-boyfriend. However, during that time, Shota was cracking up so much that he wondered if what he thought was indeed that absurd. “Why is this so funny?”

“Well, do you realize that you gathered information as if this was an FBI case?”

“Well, I kind of panicked.”

“I can see that,” Shota commented, before composing himself and stopping laughing. “Well, despite all that evidence, I’m afraid to inform you that Juri is not my ex but, in fact, just a good friend.Case closed, officer?”

Ren lay down on the bed, completely defeated but also relieved that his worries had been dissolved. “Case closed—Sorry about all this.”

“It’s fine. It just surprised me that you cared so much about my past.”

“I don’t really care about it honestly. What happened in your other relationships doesn’t concern me, but since you clearly have still baggage left… I guess I just wanted to know the reason why you couldn’t recover completely.”

“Meme, I’m recovering. Maybe not as quick as I should have, but I’m doing that, and it’s partly thanks to you,” Shota told him, his voice as soft as ever. “So, if you ever want to know about my past, I’ll tell you.”

Ren reasoned over it for a few moments, before shaking his head.

“You know what? I’m done getting bothered by that. I’ll better focus on showing you your worth, so you can forget about that prick that made you feel as not enough,” he declared, firmly. That was what he should have done from the start. Instead of wasting time chasing after a shadow, he should have used that time to think about how he could help his boyfriend.

“Thank you, Meme, for everything.”

— — — — — — — — —

With all the recordings and shootings for the debut having come to an end, Snow Man threw a party for the completion of D.D. at the homonymous club. They also took that chance to celebrate Abe’s birthday as well, which fell on the 27th of November.

The party hadn’t been that much different than last time. The only difference was that this time Juri was present as well – apparently, he couldn’t have made it for Shota’s one – and now that the record had been set straight, Ren found himself even enjoying his presence, discovering a funny side to the guy.

It was also during that night that Snow Man announced that they were going to perform at Best Artist, one of the most popular music shows of the year. That was a great chance for them to make themselves known, and now that they had D.D. ready to go, they had decided to perform it on that stage.

Needless to say that Raul jumped out of his seat when he heard the news, before losing complete control when Shota handed Raul a ticket for the show. Ren got one too and that’s how they ended up lining up in front of Makuhari Messe in Chiba. That was a first for Ren, so he felt excitement filling up his body. And the same was for Raul, who couldn’t stay still as every time they moved some steps forward, he would glance at the entrance door to see how long they had to wait before entering.

Finally, after an hour, they reached their seats in the last row of the arena, and in a way, Ren was glad about that. He wouldn’t have wanted to be a hindrance for the people behind him because of his – and Raul’s – height.

Snow Man came up on stage one hour after the start of the show. They were going to perform before a senior group of their agency and they were visibly tensed up. Even from his seat, Ren could see the beads of sweat that had formed on Shota’s forehead as they approached the side stage, which was closer to the audience in the stands and in the last rows of the arena.

Even though he had to feel down that they weren’t on the main stage, Ren couldn’t help but feel happy to be able to see Shota so up close. When Snow Man had performed at D.D. after all, Ren was sitting at the far end of the club, where the bar was. Not that he wasn’t able to discern Shota’s ethereal beauty even from that distance, but having him closer surely was different. Especially when they started singing and he saw the fire that burned in the other’s eyes.

D.D. was explosive. It was a banger and it could easily become a hit. Moreover, Snow Man was really good at getting everyone fired up; the energy that burst from them was so much to surround all the audience. He had seen it before and he was now confirming it.

Ren was having the time of his life when the bridge came in and his eyes met Shota’s. Since the first verse was sung by Koji while the second one by Sakuma, the lead singer had set aside the microphone for a moment. It might have been just a coincidence, but Shota held his gaze with a huge smile on his face until his part came, and he addressed the camera with the words that showed Snow Man’s resolution.

“We’ll show you the top. Here we are…”

You’re already doing that, Shoppi, he said within himself.

The band then approached the last chorus, and Ren didn’t know if it were because of all the special effects that the show was using, the song’s vibe, or that smile that was still plastered on his mind, but Shota was looking extremely hot. The fire that was previously in his boyfriend’s eyes was now set up inside his body, and the only thing he wanted to do was to jump on stage and let Shota know how such an incredible performance he had just delivered.

But obviously, he couldn’t do that, so he waited until he would see the other after the show. Hikaru had been kind enough to offer Raul and Ren a lift since they told him that they were going by train that night – Snow Man had come by van, but since their manager aka Fukazawa didn’t have a driving license, it was Hikaru the one entrusted with the task.

So, after the 3-hour live show, the two young men found themselves searching for the artists’ exit which they found thanks to Fukazawa, who had come to fetch them. They didn’t have much time to celebrate their performance though, since they had to get in the van as fast as they could and leave the place.

Ren managed to snatch the seat next to Shota at the far back of the van, and with the corner of his eye, he could see that the man was content about that as well – if the beaming smile followed by a shoulder nudge was anything to go by. Moreover, Shota, who looked very, very, sleepy, decided to use Ren’s shoulder as a pillow as he closed his eyes.

He saw how his boyfriend’s hair was all glued to his forehead and knowing how much Shota hated when that happened, he shifted them up with his hand. If they had been alone, Ren could have easily pecked the other’s forehead, but he could feel Raul – sitting next to him – staring at him, so he averted his gaze quickly and started to follow the conversation that the others were having.

They were generally talking about the show, while they looked up online what the fans’ comments were about their performance. The feedback were strongly positive for the major part which prompted a cheerful and victorious reaction from all of them. Well, minus Shota, who was still able to doze off despite the noise.

Ren watched Shota sleep comfortably against him and couldn’t help thinking that maybe this was the first step towards the goal of letting their friends know about them. After all, his boyfriend was slowly becoming more at ease showing that he and Ren had a deeper bond. He was working on it, Ren could tell that much, and was grateful since Shota was indeed keeping his promise.

Ren glanced at Hikaru, who was driving, and Fukazawa, sitting in the passenger’s seat. They were having a conversation between them while having a lost-in-one’s-world aura around them. Hopefully, Ren and Shota could be like them one day.

In one way or another, Ren and Shota were the last ones left to be dropped home. Hikaru was now driving towards Shota’s place and took the chance to ask Ren some questions.

“So, Meguro-kun, how was the final mark of your interview?”

“Really great, I got a full mark.”

Fukazawa whistled, impressed, “That’s incredible.”

As amazing as it may seem, Ren considered it just a matter of luck. He had never had high scores, so it was quite an event for him to get such a high mark in an exam.

“This is actually the first time I got it. It’s not that common, I’m not like Abe-kun,” Ren clarified.

“But you still got it, didn’t you? You must have written something good,” Hikaru affirmed.

“Well, the result was a combination of that and how people enjoyed my article. I guess that happened because of Snow Man. You guys are gaining popularity so of course people were interested to read it. Also, if the content was interesting it’s just thanks to Shoppi, I merely put it together and shaped it.”

“Do me a favor and just shut up.”

He was surprised to hear Shota talking since he believed him to be asleep.

Ah, right, I was being noisy.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up—”

“Not that, idiot,” Shota groaned. He wasn’t looking at him, rather he was still leaning on his shoulder, unbothered. “Your mark has nothing to do with me. If your writing sucked, then no matter how good the content was, people would have complained. But they didn’t, so you did a good job. Stop belittling yourself.”

It took him by surprise that Shota was actually scolding him. Since he had known him, and even after they had started dating, Shota had never spoken such encouraging words to him. Not because he wasn’t capable of that, as he had just proven, but because there had never been the need.

Usually, Ren was a confident guy, and he was always the one who comforted his boyfriend. Every time Shota thought he had not nailed a performance, Ren was ready to deny that, letting him know that, instead, his vocal had been as good as the other times.

Knowing that the support didn’t come only from Raul, but even from Shota, that even his boyfriend believed in him, made him so happy that he couldn’t resist the urge to hold Shota’s hand and squeeze it. The couple in the front seats couldn’t have seen them, so Ren let himself drag on that contact for some minutes. Shota didn’t seem to complain.

They arrived at Shota’s place 10 minutes after, but the man had apparently fallen asleep once more.

“I’ll take care of it,” he whispered to the others.

Gradually, he leaned on Shota’s face before blowing some air in his ear. The man jumped on his seat, yelping slightly, and then looking around.

“We have arrived,” Ren told him.

Shota nodded, unfastening his seatbelt and getting ready to get off when he glanced at Ren briefly. “Are you coming up?”

Well, if he thought back at the smoking hot Shota he had seen on stage, hell yeah that he was going to come up as well. But then he noticed the dark circles around the singer’s eyes, his tired gaze, and pretty much non-existence energy – Ren was even afraid that he would have fallen asleep in the elevator – and decided that tonight he should go back home.

“You look very worn out, so it’s better if you go get a rest,” Ren said, before lowering his tone, “If I were there, you wouldn’t get any.”

Shota chuckled at that. He then nodded and greeted them all a good night. Instead of the kiss he couldn’t give him at the moment, Shota caressed Ren’s hair when going past him to get off.

Hikaru had just set off when Fukazawa called Ren’s attention.

“I’ve seen that you and Nabe have gotten fairly close recently,” the older man started. “How is it going?”

Ren didn’t know if Fukazawa was hinting at their relationship or not. He shouldn’t know about it supposedly, but there was also the chance that he might as well have noticed it despite their attempts in hiding it. So, Ren preferred to stay vague with his answers.

“We’re having fun together. He’s a nice guy.”

“Yeah, he is. He may get onto your nerves at first but it’s just a facade.”

“Exactly!” Ren found himself blurting out, understanding what the other said perfectly. “He builds this wall around him and it takes some time before you can even scratch it.”

Fukazawa nodded with a knowing look, as if he had experienced that himself, but since they had been friends since high school, Ren figured that he must have had the same problem with Shota.

“It’s worth it, though. All the digging I mean,” Fukazawa said. “As you said, he’s a nice guy, so he’s going to treat you right.”

Ren had to process the other’s words in his mind, because if before it could have not been a hint, now, it really seemed that Fukazawa knew something.

Did… Shoppi tell him?

Maybe they were simply closer, that’s why Shota told him, or maybe because Fukazawa was Snow Man’s manager, so he needed to be aware of everything that went on behind the scenes – especially after the paparazzi went after Ren. Although both were likely scenarios, Shota would have informed Ren about that, there was no reason to keep it from him after all.

So, Ren limited himself to a smile and a simple, “Yeah…”

The last one to speak was still Fukazawa though, who continued with, “And I know you’re going to treat him right. He… He deserves that.”

Hikaru glanced swiftly at his boyfriend, while Fukazawa had a pensive look on his face. Ren didn’t understand completely what had gone down between them that night, but he was now sure that even if Fukazawa may not know about their relationship, he undoubtedly knew about Shota’s past. But since Ren had decided to not care about that, he let that information slide. He wasn’t going to get trapped in that once again.

— — — — — — — — —

Snow Man were getting busier and busier as December came, especially with all the seasonal special editions of magazines and music shows. Ren was of course glad about that but he would still feel lonely whenever Shota was on TV, because it was a reminder that they couldn’t spend some time together.

However, after what Ren felt like ages, they had at last managed to find some time for seeing each other, since Shota finished early his recording while Ren had morning practice and lessons until noon. So, they agreed on having a date at Shota’s place – they would have avoided even the paparazzi’s issue that way.

Ren though was surely not expecting to find his boyfriend panicking because of the sudden news that Snow Man would open their seniors’ concert at Tokyo Dome. The man was very excited but also very worried, and Ren attempted to calm him down with any solution he thought of. Reassuring words, cuddles, and at some point even TikTok.

When even that wasn’t working, he decided to try with food. So, releasing Shota from his arms, he stood up from the couch.

“I’ll go get some food,” he informed him. “What do you have?”

“Probably nothing.”

“What do you mean by that?” Ren frowned.

“I live on frozen food, takeaway, or lunch boxes I get from work.”

Even though he knew that Shota didn’t like to cook, he expected the man to at least have something in his apartment. Instead, when he went to the kitchen and opened the fridge, he really found nothing – aside from some drinks.

“Are you for real?!”

“Told you!” replied Shota from the living room.

Ren couldn’t believe that there was no trace of food in that kitchen, so he opened the cupboard to inspect it. Aside from some bottles of aojiru, vitamin C supplements, and some dagashi Ren had given him, the cupboard was empty. It was quite odd for Ren, even if he should have expected it from his boyfriend.

“I can’t believe him,” he whispered to himself, still searching in the back of the cupboard, extending his hand.

He touched a box of something and he grabbed it just to see that it was a packet of cigarettes. It was open and he noticed that there was only one missing. Was it the same packet of that night or was it a new one?

The research for food ended at that instant as he closed the cupboard and returned to the living room. He showed the packet to Shota, “Why was this in the cupboard?”

The man glanced at the packet and admitted, “I had hidden it there so… you couldn’t find it.”

“You’re still smoking?”

“I’m not. Don’t you see that there’s only one cigarette missing? It’s the one you took from me. After that I haven’t touched the packet,” Shota claimed. Nothing in either his voice or face was giving away that he was lying, so that must have been the truth.

“Why didn’t you throw it away then?”

“For… emergencies?” Shota tried but as soon as he saw Ren’s glare he immediately added, “But come on, take today for example. I didn’t turn to cigarettes, did I?”

“Then, we can get rid of this, can’t we?” he tested him.

“Of course,” Shota replied, shrugging.

However, Ren wanted to be extra sure about that, so he threw the packet at him such that he could do it himself. Shota took it in his hands and after some moments of hesitation, he stood up and went to the kitchen with Ren trailing behind him. Opening the garbage bin, Shota stared right into his eyes as he threw away the packet.

“See? No issue, told ya.”

Ren approached his boyfriend to cup his face and leave a kiss on his lips.

“Just wanted to be sure,” he explained.

They returned to the living room as Shota justified his behavior, “Even though, you know, sometimes I just need to blow off some steam. That’s mainly why I kept it there, just in case I couldn’t bear it anymore.”

Ren watched his boyfriend sitting down on the couch, resuming his curled up position. He smirked as the words slipped out his mouth.

“If you need to blow off something, you can always blow me, you know.”

Shota blinked at him before chuckling embarrassed, “You really like to mess with me, don’t you?”

“A little bit,” Ren admitted as he sat down next to the other.

“You should be careful, you know,” Shota said as he put down his phone on the coffee table, “I might as well listen to you.”

In a flash, Shota climbed on Ren’s lap and pushed him down on the couch. Crawling onto him, Shota placed his hands on the sides of Ren’s head, cornering him.

Ren licked his lips, already anticipating the kiss he knew that was going to come. “Go ahead.”

A hint of a smile crossed Shota’s lips before they were on his. Ren locked his fingers in Shota’s hair as he tilted his head to the side to deepen the kiss. He didn’t have the time to thrust his tongue in the other’s mouth so he had to break the kiss to let out a sudden moan, caused by Shota who had rubbed Ren’s groin with his leg.

His boyfriend proceeded to bite his jaw, while licking his way down through the Adam’s apple until the hem of his shirt. While his mouth’s ministrations were reserved to his neck, Shota’s hands swept over his body before sneaking under his sweatpants.

While Shota claimed his lips once again, Ren’s body began shuddering lightly as his dick was being jerked off through his boxers. As much as he wanted to follow the other’s pace, especially because he was the one who had started it, Ren was rather impatient to just be skin against skin with his boyfriend, so he parted from his lips to bite his earlobe sharply.

“Just take it in your mouth, would you?” he ordered.

Shota chuckled at that sudden outburst of lust but still complied to his words, lowering Ren’s boxer and freeing his half-erection. He pumped it up with some more strokes and then glided lower, so that he could be on eye-level with Ren’s dick.

The man’s hand clasped around its base while his tongue gave a few licks along its length, until his mouth finally closed around him, sliding onward, trying to take in as much as he could.

Ren propped himself up with his elbows to look at his boyfriend. They made eye contact, and he felt like coming just by watching Shota returning his look, as Ren’s dick disappeared into his mouth and resurfaced once again. Shota’s head bobbed up and down faster and deeper by the second, probably guiding himself with the moans that were escaping Ren’s throat.

Huffing, Ren had to break their eye contact to throw his head back and close his hands into fists, since the pleasure growing in his lower body was starting to make him feel dizzy and lose control. It felt so good to have Shota’s mouth wrapped around himself that he ended up loosening one of his fits to grab his head so that he could thrust into him, almost deep-throating him.

It was almost a crime to fuck that throat. He knew that. That throat that possessed one of the most beautiful voices he had ever heard was currently engulfing his dick and welcoming his thrusts. It was a sin to have Shota’s angelic voice reverberate around his cock, sending vibrations all over his body up until Ren’s mind, which was spinning by all those emotions. He knew that, but the search for pleasure was too strong in him to feel bad about that.

So, Ren planted his heels on the couch for a last spurt as he chased after his orgasm, which arrived not many instants later, as he groaned loudly one last time, gripping tightly Shota’s hair and spilling inside him, who swallowed everything, careful to not let even one drop come out.

Ren had also felt a sharp pain coming from his hips and when he looked down he saw that the man had steadied himself by clutching his waist, and so now tons of scratches and red marks were decorating his hips.

Shota released Ren’s cock with a ‘pop’ while gasping for air. Ren sat up and raised his boyfriend’s head, which he was still holding by his hair. His boyfriend’s lips were swollen, shining brightly due to the saliva and cum that ran over them; his eyes were half-open, filled with lust and eagerness.

He brushed Shota’s erection with his hand and he felt—no, saw, how the other trembled with anticipation.

“Let’s blow off that steam.”

Shota nodded without hesitation, making him giggle. Intertwining their hands, Ren brought the other to his bedroom, pushing him onto the bed and throwing himself at him. Now, it was Shota’s time to scream.

Ren stared at the ceiling while caressing Shota’s head, comfortably resting on his chest.

After his climax, the man spent some minutes half-awake before eventually dozing off when they finished cleaning up. That was surely the result of the packed schedule Snow Man had been having, what with promotion, band practice, and now even meetings about their debut concert happening on 22nd January.

Shota was clearly exhausted, so Ren didn’t mind at all and let the other rest as much as he pleased. Holding Shota in his arms was what he needed to be satisfied anyway, so he slid his free arm under his head and made himself more comfortable on the mattress, while his other arm embraced his boyfriend.

He turned his head to the bedside table to look at the clock and realized that he still had some time before he had to go out to buy some groceries for dinner – he had decided to cook for his boyfriend and store some proper food in that empty cupboard as soon as he saw that. Not like he was an expert cook like Miyadate or whatsoever, but he did just fine in the kitchen, unlike his boyfriend.

His eyes spotted something behind the clock when he was about to look away, and he squinted to make out what had caught his interest. When he saw a tongue sticking out, he recognized that the object was Badtz-Maru’s keychain. Shota had attached it to his bunch of keys apparently. He smiled fondly at the sight.

Returning with his gaze on the sleeping man, Ren couldn’t help but to leave a feather-like kiss on his forehead.

“I love you,” he whispered, even if he knew perfectly that the other was too lost in dreamland to hear him. Nonetheless, Shota’s arms went to hug him more tightly, and for the moment he would make that suffice.

— — — — — — — — —

Ren was still surprised to see his phone having ‘31st December’ written below the time. How was it even possible that it had been 4 months since he met Snow Man, and almost 2 months that Shota and he have started dating? Where did the time go?

Maybe it was due to all their things they had to do; Shota with all his performances and shootings while Ren with his thesis for his graduation. Having to focus on their own work, they couldn’t even meet after that home date they had at Shota’s, and just like that, the year ended.

He did miss meeting his boyfriend, so when Shota offered him a ticket and for him to come backstage for the live concert his agency was hosting for the last day of the year, Ren accepted without second thoughts. Sure, in his mind he had pictured spending that day alone with Shota, admiring the sparkling illuminations around Tokyo, but seeing him rocking the stage and looking hot as hell as he did was a good enough alternative.

This time, though, was different than when he attended Best Artist. The venue was much larger and Raul and Ren’s seats were on the side. As luck would have it, they were sitting right next to a maxi screen, so they could see the group clearer. Snow Man also had a longer slot than he expected, and he finally got to see Cry Out live once again. That song did things to him and it didn’t go unnoticed to his friend the way he was biting his lips during the performance.

Even when Snow Man finished their show and another band came on stage, Cry Out was still fixed in Ren’s mind. He couldn’t get it out of his head. So, it was no surprise that the first thing Ren wanted to do when they were allowed backstage was smash Shota onto the first wall he had close by and take him there and then.

But of course, he held back that instinct, even if a sweaty and breathtaking Shota was making it highly difficult to not throw himself at him. Luckily, Ren got distracted by Raul who was freaking out at all the artists present backstage. Koji and Sakuma offered to introduce some of those musicians to them and Abe, assuming that the two needed someone to watch over them, came along as well. So, leaving behind his boyfriend, Hikaru and Fukazawa, the two guys were led around by the three older men.

By the time they came back, it was already time to leave the venue, so Snow Man packed their things, ready to go. The only ones missing when they arrived in front of the group’s van were Fukazawa, who was talking with their chief, and Shota, who supposedly was still in the green room. Ren found it pretty weird that he lost sight of his boyfriend like that, so he announced that he was going inside to go get him.

When he entered the green room, Shota was indeed there, sitting down on the chair in front of the mirror, looking down.

“Shoppi, what happened?” he immediately asked, concerned.

Shota got startled by Ren’s sudden presence and jumped off his seat. “N-Nothing, I’m all good.”

“Didn’t seem like that, though.” Ren closed the door behind him and approached his boyfriend. “Want to talk about it?”

“It’s really nothing,” the man replied, turning to the mirror and pretending to check his face and hair, “No need to worry about that.”

Ren hugged the other from behind without any hesitation, desiring to give him the comfort he clearly could use. Shota relaxed into his embrace but his gaze was still gloomy, so Ren began spreading tender, soft kisses on Shota’s neck hoping to make him forget whatever was bothering him.

Shota let out a chuckle at that. “What, are you trying to get me horny?”

“Horny is better than upset, isn’t it?”

When Ren’s mouth moved to the other’s earlobe, sucking and playing with his earring in the process, Shota giggled. Encouraged by that, Ren exposed his shoulder by shifting his loose shirt and left a trace of kisses on the warm skin, before biting a specific spot on the man’s collarbone, repeatedly and steadily, just like a dog chewed a bone.

“You’re going to leave a hickey,” Shota said, probably as a warning, but the way his hand slipped into Ren’s hair, caressing his nape, and the way his head tilted to the side giving Ren more access didn’t support the warning that well.

“I know.”

Ren’s mouth stopped when he watched the hickey reflected in the mirror. Satisfied with his work, he smirked at Shota through it and held his gaze for a while, before burying his nose in Shota’s hair.

“I’ve always loved your hair’s scent, you know,” he confessed, inhaling as much as possible.

Shota jolted when he felt Ren’s bulge against him. Turning around, he pushed him back just enough to not have their bodies touch. “Woah, alright,” he started, laughing, “We wouldn’t want this to get out of hand now, would we?”

Ren ignored that and leaned in once again, and whispered in a low, aroused tone, “You were so freaking stunning out there, especially during Cry Out, I couldn’t take my eyes off you.”

His boyfriend returned him the same intense stare, “You can never take my eyes off me.”

“Fair enough.”

Ren was going to claim the other’s lips when Shota dodged that. “Come on, Meme, someone…” for some reason, he paused after that, seemingly lost in thought, before continuing the sentence in a whisper, “... may come in.”

“Oh, you’re right,” Ren agreed, remembering only at that moment about all the people that still hadn’t left the venue, like staff or Fukazawa. “The others are also waiting for us, so we should go.”

As he was about to walk away, Shota grabbed his arm and turned him around. Before he could realize it, the shorter man had pulled him in and smashed their lips together in a heated kiss.

“Wait,” he gasped, “You’re right, someone may—”

“That won’t happen, don’t worry about it.”

“Fukazawa-kun could—”

“He doesn’t even know I’m here,” Shota insisted, not stopping his kisses.

Reassured by that, Ren let himself give in to his lover, whose hands were roaming around his body, sneaking under his black sweater and brushing his six-pack. Then he gripped the jeans’ waistband and tugged it. In a matter of seconds, a hand slipped inside Ren’s boxer while his lower lip was bitten.

Ren’s body temperature sky-rocketed on the spot so he felt suffocating under his coat. He took it off and threw it on the table, where he placed Shota after lifting him up. The other wrapped his legs around his waist, while his free hand grabbed Ren’s and led it to his crotch. When Ren cupped his bulge, Shota supported himself on the table with a hand, as he moved his hips to rub against Ren’s palm.

Since they had started dating, Ren had never seen Shota so eager, and it made him wonder if it was thanks to the post-concert high. If that was the case, then he should have made a habit out of visiting Shota right after a show.

Shota’s hand had started jerking him off and his throat let out a groan of pleasure as the man worked him up.

“Sorry to have made you wait, let’s—”

Opening his eyes, Ren saw Fukazawa reflected in the mirror. He was standing on the threshold of the room, and when he met Ren’s eyes, he was quick to turn away and look at the wall next to him.

Ren parted from Shota swiftly. He put the coat he had left on the table back on and closed all the buttons, aiming to hide his undone jeans and his half-erection. For some reason, Shota took his time instead to fix himself up.

“S—Sorry, I didn’t want to—to interrupt anything,” the older man stuttered. “I’ll reach the others outside.”

“Fukazawa-kun!” Ren called after him before he could leave the room. “If you could keep the secret...”

“Of course. I won’t tell anyone,” Fukazawa assured him. Then, he asked, “Are you going to stay behind or should we wait for you?”

“We’ll come in a minute.”

Fukazawa narrowed his eyes at Ren, “Come in what meaning?”

Ren burst out laughing, embarrassed, “We’ll leave in a minute. Just the time to…. calm down, yeah.”

Raising a thumbs up, Fukazawa gave him a nod and exited the room. At that point, Ren let out a heavy sigh before crashing on the nearest chair, rubbing his face.

“Someone did come in eventually,” he whined. He didn’t even know to consider themselves lucky because Fukazawa had walked in before they could have gone further.

“I would have preferred it if it had been you, though.”

“You think it’s time for jokes?” Ren said, even if he cracked a smile at that. “I mean, you should be freaking out since it was you who wanted to keep this a secret initially. Instead, you seem rather calm.”

Shota, who had just finished combing his hair in front of the mirror, shrugged, “Even if I freak out it’s not like I can do anything about it.”

“Still…”

For someone who had appeared to feel strongly about the decision to keep their relationship a secret, this nonchalant attitude was too odd in Ren’s opinion. Unless his boyfriend was ready to tell their friends about it, but he would have informed Ren beforehand if that was the case. Moreover, getting cock-blocked didn’t seem like the way Shota would have wanted to announce his relationship.

“Why did he even come here, you said—” Ren stopped himself, the wheels in his brain starting to work again now that his mind was clearer. “You said that he didn’t know that you were here.”

“Did I?”

“You did,” Ren affirmed. He stared at his boyfriend, not letting any particular of his reactions go unnoticed by his eyes, “And yet he came here, looking for you exactly.”

“Did he?”

“He apologized for making you wait.”

Shota had his gaze fixed on the floor. Ren didn’t like the guilty expression he had on his face at all.

“Shoppi, you knew that Fukazawa-kun would come in anytime, didn’t you?” At that point, when he understood that his boyfriend had most likely set this up, Ren’s tone had become severe. “You intended for us to get caught.”

“Let’s just go, the others are waiting,” Shota said, walking toward the door.

“No, Shoppi,” Ren stood up abruptly, “We need to talk. I don’t get a damn thing and I don’t want to end up second guessing your intentions again.”

“Is it really that important?” the man insisted on dodging his questions, not stopping his steps.

“Just tell me what’s going on!”

“You said that you didn’t care about my past so why are you even giving a fuck about this?!” Shota yelled, his voice echoing through the room.

“Past…? ‘My past’ you said?” Ren mumbled.

For some instants, Shota and Ren looked at each other without saying anything. The older man had an unreadable expression on his face, while Ren’s one was definitely much easier to decipher. Gaping at the other, he froze as everything finally made sense.

“Everything that the debut implied.”

“But what I remember the most was when he signed up for a tournament in Fukuoka and I had to accompany him.”

“I had second thoughts about it and even though I do think that he belongs to Snow Man just as much as Snow Man belongs to him, I still find myself wondering if this was the right choice.”

“I haven’t really experienced it since at the time we were nobody.”

“Your ex… is Fukazawa-kun?”

Shota snorted, “Took you quite some time to get it.”

And his boyfriend was right. Now that he thought about it, it had always been very easy to put the pieces together. Fukazawa leaving for ‘personal reasons’, Shota having a hard time accepting him back in the group, the breakup he went through that happened years ago. Even the time Shota had accompanied Fukazawa to that tournament, or the fact that the older man had won a Cinnamoroll plushie for him.

Of course.

Of fucking course.

“I’m an idiot,” Ren muttered to himself, before addressing the other. “So what? You just wanted to show off to him now?”

Shota kept silent, fidgeting with his hands and avoiding eye contact with Ren.

“Shoppi, tell me. Your silence won’t make this any better.”

“I didn’t want to show you off…” Shota replied, clearly not keen on explaining too much.

“Then, what?” Talking had suddenly become difficult for Ren as a knot formed in his throat. “Did you want to make him… jealous?”

“No, not that.” Shota finally met his eyes, and Ren saw regret reflected in them. “I wanted to hurt him, I guess.”

Ren frowned, completely lost. To hurt Fukazawa? Because of what happened many years ago? Was this payback? All kinds of questions were running in his mind but the more he wondered the more he feared to hear the answers. He wasn’t ready to have his certainties crumble like a house of cards.

“When you guys left, Hikaru, Fukka and I stayed here, right?” Shota eventually began explaining when he saw the poor state Ren was in. “They asked me about you, whether there was something going on between us or not. I didn’t reply and they didn’t press any further. But…”

“... But?”

“When we were leaving, before going to talk with our chief, Fukka stopped me, and assured me that I could show my feelings for you, that he wasn’t going to be hurt. We were both free to move on.”

“Shoppi…” Ren could only whisper, already imagining where this was going.

Shota snorted, “Impossible, right? There was no reason that he wouldn’t feel at least a bit sad over that. I’m his ex-boyfriend, right? It shouldn’t only be me, so when the situation presented itself, I took it.”

Ren’s heart clenched when he heard that, and he had to close his hands into two tight fists to calm himself down. “You feel sad when you see them together?”

“It just hurts a little, but since I’m with you, it hardly happens.”

“Was there a need for that revenge then?”

At that point, Shota approached Ren, taking his fists and opening them, holding his hands. “Meme, I’m sorry. But what I did doesn’t mean that I still have feelings for Fukka, alright? You’re the only one I care about.”

“You used me, Shoppi, is that how you would treat someone you care about?”

“And I apologize for that. I’ll apologize as much as you want,” Shota insisted, before sighing, “Can we just move on from this?”

Moving on? In just a matter of minutes Ren’s brain had to process the fact that Shota’s ex-boyfriend, the one who had made him feel so insecure about himself, had been beside him all this time; that Shota would still feel sad whenever he saw his ex and Hikaru together; and that he used Ren to show Fukazawa how he felt every time.

How could he move on from that so quickly? How could he accept all of that as if it was nothing? He wasn’t even able to hold Shota’s gaze for more than a few seconds at the moment. But the worst thing about all this, the reason that got him most mad, was that if Shota were to tell him that he loved him, that up until now his feelings had been genuine, and that this had only been a mistake, then Ren would have forgiven him readily. That was the extent of his love for Shota.

He was perfectly aware that he should have been shouting at that moment, that he should have shoved the other away and gone away. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t bring himself to do that. Shota had him wrapped around his finger, so he only needed to tell him that he loved him to have Ren forget that.

So, taking a deep breath, he gathered up the courage to look at him and ask him, “Your feelings for me… Are they real?”

“They are,” Shota replied without missing a beat. “I do like you, Meme.”

Ren smiled, a tear escaping his eye before he could stop it, as the sound of his shattering heart echoed in his own ears, but for the last time now. Because there was no way to put it back together easily this time.

“Of course, ‘like’,” he blurted out.

He freed his hands from Shota’s grip to go away when the other’s voice blocked him.

“Come on, it has only been some months, who will already feel love?” Shota asked, justifying his reply.

“Guess what, Shoppi, when it’s the right person you know right at that instant,” he found himself stating, since for him, Shota was really the right person. He could have even dared to call him his soulmate. But obviously, that holds true only for himself. So, he added lastly, “Well, at least that’s my case.”

Turning on his heels, Ren heads for the door, his hand on the doorknob.

“Meme… You love me?” Shota mumbled, dumbfounded, as if he couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

However, Ren ignored that, because before going away, there was another thing he needed to know. Just to finish this without any unspoken things.

“You didn’t want to tell the others about us because of Fukazawa-kun?”

He saw Shota gulping, “No… Not really.”

“Just shoot it. It can’t get any worse than this,” Ren assured him, a resigned smile plastered on his face.

“Well, when Fukka and I broke up, he ended up leaving the group, so…” the man started, struggling to find words, “You know, now it’s not just Snow Man, there’s Raul, and you, and… I—I didn’t want the group to fall apart again when we were to break up.”

Ren let out a gloomy chuckle, “When? So, you had already put a deadline on our relationship?”

As if suddenly realizing what he had just said, Shota panicked, his eyes widening and his mouth desperately searching for words.

“That’s not what I meant, Meme, I didn’t—”

“Thanks for everything, Shoppi,” Ren said, quoting the words that his boyfriend had once directed at him. The only difference was the pain and anguish that accompanied them this time.

“Meme!”

Ren was going to exit the room when Shota went after him and hugged him from behind, just like how he did at Sakuma’s holiday mansion. This time though, Ren didn’t stay, he freed himself from that embrace.

“You told me you wouldn’t leave.”

“And you said that you’ll cherish me. Guess we’re both liars.”

Without looking back, Ren walked away, leaving Shota behind.

Ren exited the building just to find everyone waiting by the van. His gaze met with Fukazawa’s and his legs stopped at once. He couldn’t help but stare at him. The past he had always said to not care about was right there in front of him, looking right back at him. He wasn’t sure if Fukazawa had understood what had gone down, because he made to call Ren over, but he didn’t give him to do that, as he went away.

The one to chase after him was Raul, who got down from the van in a rush to run after his friend.

“Meme? What’s wrong? You don’t look so good,” Raul asked, worried. After all those years being friends, trust Raul to get immediately that something was wrong with him.

“Because I’m not, Raul,” he informed him. “I’ll take a taxi home, feel free to go with the guys—”

“No, I’m coming with you,” Raul declared, unwavering.

Ren nodded, and the two guys left under the confused eyes of the others.

Raul didn’t ask him anything while they were reaching the main street, not even when they were in the taxi. He knew that it had to be Ren the one to talk, since it was close to impossible to get something out of him.

So, even though not a single word was exchanged while the taxi driver was bringing them home, Ren knew that his friend was there for him, and he was glad to have someone like him who he could lean on when he couldn’t be the strong guy anymore.

— — — — — — — — —

Ren closed the door behind him and threw himself onto the bed after sending off Raul. The boy had slept over at his house last night, and had listened to Ren confessing everything that happened between Shota and him, up until the previous night.

Raul didn’t know about Fukazawa as well, and apparently no one else did aside from Snow Man themselves. Now all the mystery around the departure of Snow Man’s former bassist was revealed and everything made so much sense. Especially when he thought about those times when Shota had stood up and left the table both at D.D. and then at Sakuma’s holiday mansion. Before that, there had always been some moments between Hikaru and Fukazawa, which irked Shota, causing him to leave.

Shota was right, it took him quite a lot of time to realize that. The way Shota shut Raul up when he was asking questions to Fukazawa for example; it wasn’t just because he was his band member, it was because he was his ex and because that reason involved him.

He wondered why he did that though. If he had gotten burned after their breakup, why would he want to protect him? Moreover, didn’t he want to hurt him the night before? What was even going on? Did he still have some feelings for Fukazawa, or the only thing left was bitterness?

As Raul reminded him, the only one who could give him those answers was Shota, but he couldn’t find it in him to talk to him at the moment. Not after he had put his whole being into the relationship, while the other didn’t seem to have gone that deep yet. For goodness’ sake, he understood that everyone had their own way and timing to fall in love, but he couldn’t help feeling like he had been fooled.

At that moment, his phone which was sitting on the bedside table rang. He sat up a bit to peek at the screen and saw Shota’s name flashing on it. His hand moved but got blocked by his aching heart, which was too afraid of suffering even more. Despite fully believing that it couldn’t get any worse, he didn’t know if he had already hit rock bottom, or if this was just halfway through it.

The phone rang 4 times before stopping without Ren managing to pick it up. His hand was still hanging mid-air while his eyes read the missed call notification. There was no other attempt by Shota, but he wasn’t someone who would insist on calling in the first place. And indeed, in place of another call, a text arrived.

Have we broken up?

Ren took his phone and went to the window, letting the cold air of the 1st of January hit his face, in the hope of clearing his mind, as he read over and over again the text.

When he left the building yesterday, his words had been pretty final, leaving no room for any possible happy ending. However, when Raul asked him what he was going to do about their relationship, he lacked an answer. On one hand, he wanted to just forget everything and go on, forgive Shota and not talk about this ever again. But on the other hand, could he entrust his heart to him one more time?

He wasn’t that sure he could take it anymore. Getting broken and fixed time and time again wasn’t what he yearned for. Nonetheless, his fingers refused to type any affirmative answer to Shota’s text, showing the unsettledness of his feelings: he wasn’t ready to let him go, to have him out his life just yet, but he was uncertain on whether he could trust him again.

Ren wanted to be able to look into Shota’s eyes and feel secure. He needed to know that that was his safe place. But now, was that even possible?

There was only a temporary solution that came to his mind at that moment.

I think we should take a break.

The reply came some seconds after.

Okay.

“He’s not even opposing it,” he noted.

Some drops of water fell on his phone screen, but raising his gaze he saw a clear sky, with the sun shining brightly that morning. When he touched his cheeks, he realized he had tears streaming down his face, quietly.

— — — — — — — — —

Ren had hoped that some days of rest would have helped him figure out what he wanted, but most importantly needed. However, the only thing he had figured out was that there was more mess in his brain than in his own room, and that said it all.

Even during his soccer practice he was so completely out of it that his coach ended up sending him home earlier, fearing that he wasn’t feeling well and that he could injure himself. So, upset about his hopeless state, Ren entered his house with a heavy sigh escaping his mouth.

“Ren, welcome home!” his mother greeted from the living room, where she was working with her PC, “A friend of yours came over. He’s waiting in your room.”

“Thank you,” he said, leaving the busy woman to her work.

As he climbed the stairs to the upper floor, his heartbeat sped up, wondering if the person in his room was the one he didn’t want to see but still longed for.

Opening the door slowly and taking a peek inside, he didn’t know what to feel when he spotted a pink-haired head looking around. Was he relieved or was he disappointed?

“Sakuma-kun,” he called the man, coming inside. “I’m here, sorry that you had to wait.”

“No worries! I didn’t notify you either since I came here on a whim.”

“What brings you here?” he asked him, but as soon as he saw the look Sakuma was giving him, he understood the reason for his visit. “He told you, I suppose.”

“Well, after seeing him overloading himself with work or things to do, I had to ask him.” When he frowned, Sakuma explained to him. “Shota tends to keep himself busy when he’s going through something that upsets him or saddens him.”

Ren smiled at that, finding that remedy against negative emotions to be very ‘Shota’. Everyone had their own ways of dealing with pain, and while some people liked to wallow in that, like Koji, for example, Shota was someone who hated to dwell too much on things, especially because he considered that a waste of time. It would have just made him feel worse, something which he avoided as much as he could.

“And isn’t that good for the group? Don’t you have the debut concert on the 22nd?”

Sakuma tilted his head to the side, wearing an unsure expression, “Yeah, I guess, but I know that he’s actually suffering inside, that’s why I don’t like to see him too engrossed in his work.”

Leaving his soccer bag on the floor, Ren went to sit on his bed, “Did you come here to convince me to return to Shoppi so he can go back to normal?”

“Not really,” Sakuma replied, leaning on Ren’s desk. “I just wanted to check if you were doing any better, but judging by that face,” he pointed his finger at Ren, “ I assume that’s not the case.”

There was no use in faking it with Sakuma, so he nodded, confessing his distress. “I’ve been doing awful the past few days. I was even sent home by the coach today since he thought that I was sick or something.”

“But he’s got a point, you’re lovesick after all.”

“You’re here to twist the knife into the wound then.”

Sakuma clasped his hands as a sign of apology, which Ren accepted, assuring him that he was just joking.

“I just wanted to check up on you for real. You know, I think you are really good for each other, so it would be a bummer if you were to break up—you’re not breaking up with him, right?”

“I just need time to think Sakuma-kun, there’s a lot for me to process,” he confessed, while ruffling his hair, “It’s not easy to take in that the person who hurt your boyfriend is the same person that has been next to you and who you treated as a friend. You know, I hated Shoppi’s ex for that.”

“Because you see it through Shota’s eyes.”

Those words made Ren lock his gaze with Sakuma since what he had just said implied that this matter had another interpretation. As if his opinion could change if he changed his point of view—if he saw through Fukazawa or Sakuma’s eyes. But to do that, he needed to know what happened. Once and for all.

“Sakuma-kun, can you tell me what happened between them?”

Crossing his arms, probably having anticipated already that this was going to happen, Sakuma answered after some moments of silence.

“Long story short, Shota and Fukka ended up making out once and from that moment on, they saw each other as more than just friends. So, they started dating and their relationship lasted quite some time, something like 3 years. But then Fukka broke up with him because he had fallen out of love. The band kept on going but there was a clear awkward atmosphere between them which then reflected on us. At that point, Fukka took it upon himself to be the one leaving the band, since he was the one who broke up with Shota and – as per what he said – the one to blame.”

He hadn’t known Fukazawa for long, but Ren found that sacrifice befitting his personality. It was crystal clear how the man loved Snow Man and its members, so it wasn’t that surprising to him that Fukazawa had preferred leaving than to drag the group down. However, despite what he thought before, Ren found himself disagreeing with him.

Fallen out of love… There’s no one who could be blamed for that. Unfortunately, that was a scenario that could have happened. Even though he was mad that Shota had already pictured the end of their relationship and its consequences, he couldn’t deny that love wasn’t everlasting in many cases. Relationships end, and people part ways. It was what had happened to Fukazawa and Shota, and no one was to blame. It was just how life goes.

He wondered if there had been any particular reason for Shota to believe that he wasn’t enough for Fukazawa, something that was said during their breakup, but then a light bulb went on in his head.

“Could it be that Shoppi blamed himself for that? Like, that he wasn’t enough and so Fukazawa-kun left him? Could he have thought such crap?”

“Precisely! I’m glad that you seem to agree with me here,” Sakuma exclaimed, relieved. “At the time, Shota gave himself this stupid complex that if he had been a better boyfriend material – as he used to say – then Fukka would have stayed with him and wouldn’t have to leave the band. And no matter how hard I tried to explain to him that he was wrong and that he was blaming himself without reason, he just wouldn’t listen.”

“And I guess that when he saw that Fukazawa-kun got together with Iwamoto-kun…” he trailed off.

“Well, kind of, but he wasn’t jealous or anything of the sort. He really doesn’t have any feelings for Fukka—”

“Then why did he plan for him to walk in on us?”

That was the thing he didn’t get the most. If he really wasn’t still in love with Fukazawa, then why did he think up that scheme? Usually, moving on from someone meant not feeling the need of planning acts of revenge against them, because there wouldn’t even be the desire to waste time over that. Or at least that was what Ren thought.

Despite Ren’s serious tone, he found a laughing Sakuma in front of him after he asked that question.

“Meme, you’re dating Watanabe Shota and you didn’t realize how vengeful he can be?”

“Even towards someone who should be his friend?”

“Towards anyone, Meme,” Sakuma specified, “He just needs to get his little victory.”

“Isn’t that… petty?”

“A little bit perhaps? But that’s not important right now,” Sakuma dismissed that topic with a move of his hand, “What’s important is that you know that Shota is into you and no one else, even though I know he made a bit of a mess when telling you that?”

He couldn’t hold back a chuckle when he saw Sakuma’s apologetic face. The man even went as far as bowing to him.

“I’m really sorry for my dense friend!”

Ren laughed out loud at the sight of that.

“It’s fine, Sakuma-kun, please get up.”

“He’s dense and slow, but he surely feels something more than just ‘like’, I’m sure,” Sakuma continued.

“How do you know that? Do you have any proof?”

Sakuma scratched his pink hair while having a pensive frown on his face, before snapping his fingers when something crossed his mind. “The other day we were at a convenience store and he was reaching for a pack of cigarettes, but then stopped because – and I quote – ‘Meme wouldn’t like that’.”

“He said that?”

Crossing his arms, Sakuma looked at him with a confident and proud expression, upon seeing that Ren was indeed struck by that information. “He did. Now, would he have done that if he didn’t love you?”

And, well, Ren had to admit that the man had a point. Shota would have just grabbed that pack and soothed his nerves if he wasn’t that much important to him. But then again, that could have also meant that the break from their relationship wasn’t weighing on him to an unbearing extent, and so focusing on work was enough to deal with it.

After all, Shota was convinced that they would eventually break up, so he could have prepared himself for this outcome.

Sakuma saw the uncertain look on his face and asked, “Did I perhaps make this worse?”

“No, you were actually helpful. It’s just that…” he pondered on whether to ask him the other question that was bugging his mind. But since Sakuma was there and willing to help him understand Shota’s behavior, he reckoned that he might as well do it. “Why did Shota believe that we would have ended up just like him and Fukazawa-kun? Love can end, that’s true, but isn’t it too early to think about that? We have gone out for only two months.”

“How do you know that he thinks that?”

“He told me that the reason why he didn’t want to tell you guys about us was to protect the group since Raul and I have fit in. He didn’t use conditional. He said when.”

“I guess he’s just insecure—”

“Why start a relationship with me in the first place then?”

Sakuma went to sit next to Ren and patted his shoulder to comfort him, “Listen, Shota is not the easiest guy to deal with on this planet. It could even be said that he’s high-maintenance. The question is: do you think he’s worth it?”

Had it been time ago, he would have replied ‘Yes’ without faltering. But now he felt that he wasn’t quite sure anymore. Not because he believed that Shota wasn’t worth it as a person, but just because he couldn’t ascertain the nature of his feelings. He needed an actual proof, something that could move his heart and let it beat again for the man. But before that, there was something else that was due.

“Sakuma-kun, can I ask you a favor?” he said after some moments of silence.

The pink-haired man nodded vigorously, his eyes beaming, “Of course, ask me anything.”

“Can you give me Fukazawa-kun’s contact?”

— — — — — — — — —

Ren took a deep breath as he stalled before the condominium’s gate. He stared at the intercom and pressed its button anxiously. Not long after, a voice replied.

“Hello, who is it?”

“It’s Meguro Ren.”

“Ah, Meme, come up. Second floor, unit 3B.”

“Got it.”

The gate was opened and Ren entered the yard, before climbing up the stairs to reach the floor where Fukazawa lived. With every step he took he felt his nervousness raise, but he knew that he needed to talk with the older man to wrap his head around that story completely.

He rang the bell when he arrived and was surprised when he was met with Hikaru’s figure standing at the entrance.

“Hi, come in,” he greeted him, passing him a pair of slippers.

“Thank you.”

Ren was led to the living room, where he found Fukazawa typing on his PC feverishly. He glanced at him one instant before his eyes returned to the screen.

“I’m sorry Meme, I just need to send this last email and then I’ll be done.”

“Snow Man is getting busier and so is our manager,” Hikaru explained, as he signaled him to take a seat. “Do you want something to drink?”

“I just had a black coffee before coming here, so I’m fine, thanks,” Ren sat at the coffee table, right across Fukazawa.

Hikaru nodded but still brought to the table some candies and chocolate snacks and then sat next to his boyfriend. Ren gladly accepted a candy, hoping that chewing would help him in releasing a bit of tension.

Fukazawa showed Hikaru the content of the email and they briefly exchanged opinions over it before they sent it out. At that point, the manager closed his PC and set it aside, taking off his glasses and rubbing his eyes tiredly. He added some stretching too, moving his shoulders and back.

“I’ve been replying to emails for hours,” the manager complained, taking his cup of tea and drinking the rest of it. “I’m beat.”

“If you don’t stay up playing games tonight, you may get a long, deserved rest,” Hikaru told him, gaining a face from his boyfriend, which made him laugh.

Fukazawa sighed one last time before putting his glasses back on and finally addressing Ren properly. “So, Meme, sorry, let’s get down to business. You told me you wanted to talk, I suppose it’s about Nabe?”

He nodded, “If it’s possible, I’d like to know more about what happened between you two.”

The man clasped his hands together, becoming serious all of a sudden, “I have no problems with it, so, shoot. What is it?”

“Before you start,” Hikaru cut in the conversation, “Are you okay with me being here? I can move to another room if you prefer.”

“I have no problems, and you? You’re okay with…” he trailed off, pointing at his eyes at Fukazawa.

Hikaru laughed at that. “Meguro-kun, I’ve seen them dating in front of my very own eyes. Something like distant memories is not going to leave a scratch on me.”

Right… he thought, realizing at that moment that Hikaru had witnessed his two bandmates dating, and even at close distance. He didn’t know if Hikaru liked Fukazawa at the time, but if that was the case, then the man must have suffered a lot.

“If you don’t mind, then, I’ll start,” Ren informed him, and when he had the green light from the other two, he asked the first question. “Sakuma-kun mentioned to me that you got together after making out. Does this mean you didn’t have any feelings for each other at first?”

Fukazawa hummed in agreement. “Basically, yeah. Everything changed after that kiss, but you could consider that a mistake. Well, I see it as that, and I’m sure Nabe does as well.”

A mistake? Why did that seem familiar to him?

“What do you mean?”

“We shouldn’t have kissed that night. We were half-drunk and we ended up doing it without really meaning it.”

And at that Ren’s brain flashed a memory before his eyes.

“I realized that we were kissing out of nowhere and I didn’t want to repeat the same mistake with you.”

So, that’s why Shota had thought that after their kiss. He feared that what happened with Fukazawa was happening again with Ren, and he wanted to avoid that. Especially when he didn’t know that Ren was meaning every single attempt of flirting with him. Shota had wanted to prevent another careless mistake.

“Of course feelings came after, as well as attraction,” Fukazawa continued talking, “And we were happy, you know? But at some point, I realized that we were going out just out of habit.”

Ren frowned and leaned in to listen more carefully, “Out of habit?”

Fukazawa runs a hand through his lips, probably reasoning on how he should convey his thoughts and feelings. After a while, he seemed to have found the right way. “Nabe would rely on me for literally everything, while I was gratified that someone needed me. And since we had Snow Man, well, it was easier being together than not.”

“So, it’s true that you broke up with him after realizing you had fallen out of love?” Ren asked the second question that mattered to him.

“That’s what I told him, but the truth is that I always felt incomplete where I was with him, somehow. As if there was something missing.” At that moment, Fukazawa turned towards his boyfriend, “And after being with Hikaru, I understood that Nabe and I just weren’t meant to be together to begin with. Some people are better off just as friends and others… as lovers.”

Hikaru gave a smile to the man and despite his current broken heart, Ren was glad that at least these two were happy together, and that Fukazawa had found his missing piece.

He wondered if Shota felt the same though, or if Fukazawa was the piece that completed his puzzle.

“Do you know if Shoppi felt that as well?” he said, before specifying, “About the incomplete thing.”

Fukazawa’s eyes returned to Ren, before he smirked as he rested his chin on his folded hands, “Well, it so happened that I met him some days ago, and we finally talked openly about everything. When I mentioned that, he agreed with me.”

“Did he?”

“Yep,” the other gave him a nod, “Also, when I said that when I got with Hikaru, I didn’t feel that apprehensiveness at all, I asked him if he felt the same when he was with you.”

“What did he reply?” Ren urged, needing an answer.

“Nothing. He stayed silent, but if you know him, then you know that when he does that it’s because you’ve hit the mark.”

Ren bit his lips to hold back a grin but in vain. He couldn’t hide the happiness that that information brought him. Shota’s silent reply was louder than any other love confession that appeared in movies and tv shows.

He ended up lowering his gaze to the table to conceal his smile, but he burst out laughing when a candy was thrown at him. Looking up, he saw that the culprit was Hikaru.

“All those days of long face and it only took you a moment to forget all that?”

“I can’t help it, I thought Shoppi still had feelings for Fukazawa-kun after all,” he justified himself.

“For me? Dude, have you seen how he looks at you?” Fukazawa exclaimed, “You’re the apple of his eye.”

That comment made Ren blush, so he looked away, not bearing the knowing looks of the couple in front of him.

“We’ve had the chance to see you a lot of times, and it’s clear that you’re each other’s most important person.”

When Ren noticed how Fukazawa nodded in agreement to Hikaru’s statement, he thought back about Shota’s words in the green room, and he wondered if Fukazawa shared those feelings of hurt when looking at them. So, he addressed the older man as he asked, “When you see us, does it hurt?”

Fukazawa averted his gaze just for some seconds before returning back to Ren. “At first, it did. I realized how you could make him happier than I ever did. But after some time, it went away. When I talked with you that night in the van… That was my moving on.”

So, this was what that was all about. That night, Fukazawa had let go of any remaining feelings he had for Shota, and had entrusted him to Ren.

“By the way, the other day Shota bought me bubble tea unprompted. It’s that him moving on as well?” Hikaru asked the man.

“Totally!” Fukazawa exclaimed, “After we talked we had finally sorted everything out, so, it’s all a finished chapter—no, rather, it’s a finished book.”

“Is that so?” Ren wanted to be sure of that one last time before he could overjoy.

“Yeah, and now,” the other pointed a finger to him, “It’s your turn to write a new book with a whole new story with Nabe.”

Hikaru exchanged a look with Ren, and he appeared to be ready to crack up anytime. Fukazawa instead was too busy putting on a cool face while posing with a hand under his chin.

“I just said something great, didn’t I?”

Hikaru crossed his arms over the table and told Ren, “You know how Shota told you that Koji and Sakuma are noisy?” The man waited for him to nod to continue, “Well, he’s noisy as well. We call them dorama-han for this reason.”

“I can hear you, you know?”

“My bad, I thought you were lost in your own performance.”

As he looked at the couple playfully bickering, Ren felt a huge weight being lifted from his heart. Talking with Fukazawa had been a good call, because one of his other worries was not being able to feel comfortable with him, knowing that he was Shota’s ex-boyfriend. Even though he had cleared that Fukazawa wasn’t at fault for hurting Shota, it had never happened to Ren to know what someone’s past looked like after all, and he was afraid that hanging out with Snow Man would have been impossible from then on.

But that afternoon proved him wrong because he could still look at Fukazawa, still laugh with him and tease him as if nothing else mattered. And the other could be at ease as well, showing that what he said was the truth, he had moved on and now he was ready to support Shota and Ren’s relationship.

That’s why when he was going away, Fukazawa offered him a ticket to their debut concert he had prepared beforehand. Even though Shota had forbidden him to do so because he didn’t want to impose on Ren when they were on a break, the older man felt like it was the right thing to do. All the more if it could imply a chance of reconciliation for them.

Ren, though, had to turn him down, because a match had been scheduled for that day, so he probably couldn’t have made it to the concert. However, that didn’t put Fukazawa off, as he still pushed the ticket into his hands and asked him to take it, because according to him ‘you never know, right?’. The man also claimed that Shota would be grateful if Ren managed to attend without doubts, and he found himself accepting the ticket.

He exited the apartment with a relaxed smile on his face, feeling lighter than when he had entered. He had successfully cleared some of his doubts. For the remaining ones, the only one who could make them disappear was Shota himself, so the last thing left to do was to talk with him. Seeing though how the concert’s date was drawing close, he figured he should have let him focus on his band.

So, Ren went home, with definitely more answers than questions, and a stronger faith in his boyfriend’s feelings thanks to none other than his ex – it made him laugh somehow when he thought about that, but he had discovered a great person in Fukazawa that day.

Also, that afternoon he had discovered the story behind Fukazawa and Hikaru’s relationship, but that wasn’t for him to tell. He had his own book to write after all.

— — — — — — — — —

The day of the concert had arrived at last, and while Snow Man’s fans were having the time of their life at the venue, Ren was having a briefing with his teammates and coach, analyzing the match that had finished half an hour ago. His coach was going through every detail and sneakily glancing at his watch, Ren understood that it would be impossible to even attend the second half of the concert.

So, when their meeting ended and his coach dismissed them, Ren didn’t even hurry to get out of the locker room. Instead, he sluggishly put on his down jacket and grabbed his bag. He even waited for Hara to finish talking with one of their teammates, before they exited the room.

They walked out of the campus while chit-chatting about their coach’s directions, when Hara changed the topic abruptly.

“Meme, isn’t tonight Snow Man’s concert?”

He was much taken aback by that, since he didn’t expect his friend to know such information.

“Why the sudden question? And how do you know?”

“My girlfriend is there with her sister.”

He nodded, not knowing what Hara was aiming at by starting that conversation.

“You’re not going?”

Ren frowned at that question. As much as he knew, Hara shouldn’t have known about their friendship, but then he guessed that the reason for that question might have been Raul. The guy knew that Raul was a fan, since this is how Ren justified how he got his interview with Shota, and so he must have thought that Ren would have accompanied him.

“We had the match, didn’t we? Raul’s fine alone.”

“Raul? What does this have to do with him?”

“Weren’t you asking because you expected me to go with him?”

Hara shook his head, “No, I asked because you’re their friend, right? The ones who came to see you play that day were some of them, weren’t they? I recognized them when my girlfriend showed me their picture.”

“Ah—Well, huh, yeah, I guess,” Ren stuttered, confessing at that point. “Sorry for not having told you.”

“It’s fine,” Hara assured him, giving him a strong pat on his back, “Must keep the secret when your friends are rockstars.”

“Indeed.”

“So? You’re not going to catch the concert?”

Ren sighed, “It’s almost over anyway, why should I?”

“Because someone may be waiting for you?”

Snapping his head towards his friend, Ren stared at him with wide eyes. “What do you mean?”

“Isn’t this like a milestone for them?” Hara started, “Don’t you think they would like you to be there? That he would like you to be there.”

“Hara, since when…” Ren trailed off, completely dumbfounded.

The guy laughed when he saw his reaction. “I would like to say that it’s all thanks to my keen observation skills. But I have to admit that it’s partly because I happened to eavesdrop on you by mistake when talking on the phone about a date you were planning with this ‘Shoppi’ person.”

Ren closed his eyes and threw his head back in frustration. All this time holding himself back from any explicit mention of Shota that could have slipped off his mouth, when Hara had been knowing all along.

“You could have told me!”

“Why? If you wanted me to know you would have already done that.”

“Well, yeah, but I could have really used some help recently.”

“What do you mean?”

Hara was looking at him with concerned eyes, but Ren didn’t really want to go through the whole issue again. So, he opted for a vague reply.

“We had a pause—we’re still having it actually.”

Hara didn’t let him elaborate any further as he urged, “Shouldn’t that be the main reason for going then?”

“Why so?”

“I don’t know if there’s someone in the right or in the wrong, or someone who needs to be forgiven, but if you want to keep on being by his side, isn’t this the moment when you should show him your support? That even if you’re on a break or whatever, you’re still there for him?”

Ren had never thought of Hara as a master of love, but he couldn’t deny that his friend had just said something that seemed to have come out of some shojo manga,one of those lines that spurred the main character to not give up on their loved one.

He was certainly not going to give up on Shota, but he hardly believed that he could have made it even for the end of the concert. It was just too late. However, the tiny chance that Shota might be waiting for him to appear in the audience made his body become restless. He wasn’t going to stand in his room, twiddling his thumbs, as Shota was having one of the most important moments of his life.

“Hara,” Ren called, before throwing himself at his friend to hug him, “Thank you.”

“O—Oh, sure.”

Ren dashed to his car and in a matter of minutes, he was on the road to reach the arena where Snow Man were holding the concert. However, contrary to his usual luck, the traffic was crawling causing him to fidget in the driver’s seat. He would eye the time on his car’s clock every second and his hands were surely going to leave marks on the leather of the steering wheel by the pressure he was putting.

The situation had become so unbearable for him that when he felt that he was close enough to the venue, he stopped in the first parking area he found. He got out of the car after taking the concert ticket from his bag. Securing it in his hands, he started to run as fast as he could toward the arena, which he could see in the distance.

He arrived without causing any collisions with other passersby in the sidewalk, even if he almost tripped right in front of the arena’s security.

“Please, let me enter,” Ren panted while showing the ticket to the guard.

The woman stared at Ren for some seconds, before exchanging a nod with her colleague, and granting him permission to come into the venue. At that point, Ren didn’t even bother to check which was his seat or the area Fukazawa had gotten for him. He searched for the first door that brought him inside – the guards were too slow to keep up with him anyway.

As soon as he spotted one, he pushed the door open and found himself in what should have been the stands in the upper floor. There was no music, but some members of Snow Man were on stage, talking and entertaining the fans – Sakuma and Koji were having some weird pun contest while Abe stood by his microphone and laughed. Some minutes later, Hikaru and Shota arrived on stage as well, probably after a costume change. The thing that baffled him though was that Shota was wearing a rose shirt, his rose shirt to be precise.

What on earth…

“Are we all ready?” Koij asked upon seeing his other two bandmates arriving. They gave him a nod and so he continued. “Alright everyone, this is going to be our last song for tonight—not really though, since there’s still the encore—”

“Why did you make a spoiler for them?” Sakuma complained, “It should have been a surprise!”

“They would know it anyway,” Koji retorted back, gaining chuckles from the audience. “Anyhow! As I was saying, our last song. Shoppi is going to introduce it.”

Shota cleared his throat before approaching his mic stand, “This is actually a new song I wrote recently. I… got the inspiration from a book actually. The main character committed a lot of mistakes and let the person who mattered to him the most go out of their lives.”

Ren felt his heart clenching, an excruciating pain surrounding it as he realized what the man was talking about.

“The main character also sucked at words and failed to express their feelings. I wrote them a song and I’m dedicating it to their lover today so they can finally convey them.” Shota overlooked the audience for some instants, as if he was searching for someone, before talking, “I don’t know if these words will reach them, though; I hope they will. I didn’t really finish that book so I don’t know its end yet.”

The fans laughed at that, but Ren was doing anything but that. Instead, he took some steps forward to have a closer look at the man on stage. He watched as Shota adjusted his in-ear monitor earphones while he announced the title of the song.

“This is Everything is Everything.”

It didn’t take rocket science or anything of the sort for Ren to understand that Shota had written that song for no one else but him. First of all, Shota didn’t read novels, and second, all that premise he did… He was just describing what had happened between them.

The protagonist not being able to express themselves, their mistakes, and even the book’s end that he didn’t read. Of course he didn’t, it hadn’t been written yet after all. What he didn’t know though was that Ren wasn’t going to write the word ‘end’ that easily. Their story was just in their first chapters.

All that time spent thinking about their relationship, searching for any proof that it showed him once and for all that the other did care about him deeply just as he did, when Shota was writing for him the most obvious evidence of his sincere feelings.

Holding the microphone tightly with one hand while grasping the rose shirt right across his chest, Shota was wearing his heart on his sleeve, singing those emotional lyrics which carried deeper feelings than just the ones of randomly inspired by a book. But no one else knew that. Only Ren understood.

Hara was right. Shota was still hoping that Ren was out there in the audience, that he had come to the concert nonetheless, so he could let him hear his song. Shota was singing it for the sole purpose of confessing all his unspoken words.

“So, everything is everything with you… My Love.”

Shota closed his eyes after singing that line as he prepared for the bridge.

“Let’s come back to this place, with our storyline.”

He held his breath as he understood that now, during that specific part, Shota was sending him his message.

“I want to touch your smiling face at least one more time.”

The hand that was on Shota’s chest was moved to the microphone, his fingers intertwining together as if in a praying gesture.

“Give me one more chance.”

After that, Shota opened his eyes but looked at the ground during the pause before the last chorus.

Ren’s mind was overwhelmed by the lyrics he had just listened. Shota had asked him to give him one more chance. Even though he had accepted that pause, even though he hadn’t tried to contact him after that, Shota still didn’t want Ren to give up on him.

Everything is Everything was overflowing with all his longingness and pining. Not a single line lacked conveying Shota’s vacant heart while being apart from him.

Ren had to blink his eyes to send back some tears that were threatening to fall. He would usually cry alone, and after everything he was going through dawned on him, so tearing up in public right after having listened to that song wasn’t something he was used to. And surely wasn’t something he wanted others to witness.

Taking advantage of the dim lights that made it impossible to make out people’s faces, Ren let go of the railing he hadn’t realized to be holding as if for dear life, and went away. He dried his eyes with his hands as he exited the venue with his gaze fixed on the floor, hiding his shaken expression.

When he found himself outside, he dragged his feet towards the street where the car parking he had left his car in was. He didn’t feel fully conscious of what he was doing though. His legs were moving because they had to, his brain telling them where to go as if it had taken over control and went on auto-mode, while Ren’s soul and heart were still in that arena, still lost in Shota’s beautiful voice, repeating those touching lyrics.

When he reached his car, he realized that he didn’t want to go home. Not after that song, not after Shota had broken down the wall he had built around him just to let Ren see, just so he could touch his heart without anything else shielding it. He just couldn’t.

There was only one place he wanted to be at, only one person he wanted to see. So, he turned on the engine and drove for Tokyo’s streets until he reached the building where Shota’s apartment was.

He was perfectly aware that the singer wouldn’t have returned home until late at night, what with the concert itself and the post-concert celebration. But he didn’t care. He preferred to wait hours there than to stay in his room and spend a sleepless night, during which he would have just stared at the sky, waiting for the sunrise so he could go to Shota.

So, after he arrived at the front of Shota’s door, he crouched down on the floor, brought his knees to his chest and waited for the person he loved the most to cross the elevator’s door and appear before his eyes.

— — — — — — — — —

Ren’s eyes opened when he heard a chime sound coming from the elevator landing. Raising his head, he had to blink a few times due to the sudden light that hit his eyes. He didn’t even realize he had fallen asleep, but he did manage to rise up from the ground at once as soon as he saw Shota exiting the elevator.

The singer gaped at him, dumbstruck, surely not expecting to find Meguro Ren waiting on his doorstep at such a late hour.

“Meme,” the man could only whisper, clutching tightly the bunch of keys in his hands, Badtz-Maru stuck between his ring finger and pinkie.

“Can… Can we talk?”

“Of course—Yeah, sure—Let’s,” Shota stumbled over his words, talking as fast as he never did before.

“Can you stand a conversation or—”

“I just had a few drinks, I’m perfectly fine,” the other informed him.

Then, he went past Ren to open the door and let him in. However, Ren stopped at the entrance after changing into the slippers Shota offered him, not following the other inside. Seeing that, Shota stopped as well and went back to him.

“I talked with Sakuma-kun, and also with Fukazawa-kun and Iwamoto-kun,” he announced.

He saw the other gulping, but still nodding after, signaling him to continue.

“I have a bigger picture now, they explained a lot of things to me. Sure, I would have preferred to work it out with you, but at least now I’ve got proper insight.”

“I’m sorry, Meme. That day I was just—I let myself be trapped by the past again, and I’ve hurt you in the process. I have no excuses for the way I treated you and I would understand if you’ve gotten too fed up with dealing with me. So, if you’re here to break up because I’m troublesome, because I can’t speak my mind when it comes to emotions, because I’m just not worth all the pain—”

“Why are you deciding on that by yourself? Shouldn’t I be the one to make the choice? And shouldn’t you be the one who instead has to prove to me that, in fact, you’re worth it?”

Shota exhaled a deep sigh, looking down.

“Why didn’t you stop me when I asked you for a pause? Why didn’t you oppose it?”

“How could I?” Shota blurted out, “After using you and making you suffer? I don’t even have anything to offer.”

Ren shortened the distance with every step he took until Shota was within reach, so he could raise his hand and caress his cheek, holding his face and staring right into his eyes.

“You make me happy. Isn’t that already something?”

“But I have also hurt you,” the man retorted.

“Love isn’t all roses. I could hurt you as well in the future, we don’t know who’s going to be the next one who will make a mistake. What’s important is that we’re ready to take the risk and that we don’t regret our choice.”

Shota bit his lip imperceptibly, his voice as feeble as a feather falling on the ground. “And do you?”

Giving him a reassuring smile, Ren shook his head, “I don’t regret a minute spent with you.”

“So will you forgive me?”

Ren’s nod was replied with a huge grin on Shota’s face. They were still looking at each other though, no one moving an inch, as if any movement could have broken the magical spell that was being cast upon them, which had finally made them make up.

Ren’s free hand joined the other in cupping Shota’s face, his thumbs tracing circles on the man’s cheeks. His skin was as soft as always and it felt so nice to the touch. It was at that moment that Ren understood just how much he missed the other. Even just locking his gaze with his had been the missing life and soul of him. He needed Shota way more than he thought, and he hoped that that went both ways.

“There’s only me, right?” he ended up asking, wishing to hear it right from the person himself, and not from Sakuma or Fukazawa.

With a shy smile on his face, Shota’s hands run over Ren’s arms before wrapping around his wrists.

“Yeah,” Shota replied, “Since I know you there has only been you.”

Ren couldn’t help but smile when he heard that, his heart coming back to full life and overflowing with more love than before for the man in front of him. He did mean it when he told Shota that love wasn’t all roses. It would have been too utopic to say that they weren’t going to hurt each other from now on. But that didn’t matter anymore to him, as long as in the end their hearts could still beat for each other, then he was ready to face anything.

Shota went to touch Ren’s lips with his fingertips, touching his smiling face as he had written in the song.

He wanted to say so much but at the moment his mind had blanked out anything that he could possibly tell the other, and no words were coming to his mind to fill the silence or to prompt them to do something other than just staring at each other in awe.

“I don’t know what should be said in this kind of situation,” Ren said, realizing only after he had quoted his boyfriend’s words of the day they had gotten together.

Shota leaned in and whispered on his lips, “Sometimes there’s just no need for that.”

With a jump, Shota threw himself at him, wrapping his legs around his waist and claiming his lips. He responded to that immediately while supporting the other’s weight by sweeping two hands under his thighs.

It was so nice to taste Shota’s lips again, to meet his tongue and feel their breaths coming together. He was really his lifeblood, and he found himself sucking on his lips, as if nourishing himself with every bit of Shota. The other was of the same mind as him since Ren’s hair was currently being messed up by Shota’s hands, which were running feverishly on his head, face, and neck, before settling on the collar of his shirt, clutching it so firmly that he could have torn it apart.

Be it the fact that they hadn’t seen each other in weeks, that they had finally reconciled, or that it went without saying that making up would always call for making out, be it whatever it was, Ren soon found himself atop Shota, lying on his bed, while the man tugged at his upper clothes to signal him to get rid of them.

Ren took his clothes off all at one go but was rather slow in undressing his boyfriend instead. He raised his shirt very slowly while leaving kisses all over his stomach and torso, sucking on his nipple at one point also, before removing the piece of clothing. Then, he moved to his neck, on which he hovered with his mouth, brushing against the skin but not really touching or leaving any kiss.

He wanted to take his time, but the way Shota’s hips thrust against his to find some friction made him speed up his pace. The man was obviously craving for Ren and for his body, he wanted him now, and who was he to deprive him of that?

Without further delay, Ren stripped Shota of his lower clothes, before reaching for the bedside table to fish out a bottle of lube from the drawer. However, when he opened it, he just found a bunch of condoms.

“Sorry, I’m short of lube.”

“Not an issue I hope?”

“Of course not.”

They exchanged a smirk, before Ren brought two fingers into his mouth, licking and sucking on them to wet them at his best, and then proceeded on inserting them into Shota’s hole, while his free hand worked his dick up. It was a matter of seconds before Shota’s mouth started to let out moans and whimpers.

When Shota arched his back and held onto the pillow under his head with his fingers, Ren decided to add another digit inside him, fingering him to loosen his hole as much as possible.

With a last flick of the wrist, Ren left Shota’s erection, causing him to whine and thrust his hips against his fingers, in search of relief. Ren would have liked to see his boyfriend come undone because of his fingers, but he had other plans for that night, so he removed them and clutched a condom as he tore it open with his teeth. After putting it on, he took Shota in his arms to roll them over.

“Ride me.”

With a nod, Shota followed his instruction, taking Ren’s cock into his hands and positioning it right on his entrance before impaling himself on it. The man placed his hands on his chest as he bottomed out a few times to adjust himself. When his movements became more consistent and his huffs and puffs louder, Ren understood that he could meet his thrust, and grabbed Shota’s hips to have easier pounding.

He had thought that Shota during his Cry Out performances was the most erotic sight he could have ever seen, but he had to change his mind, because Shota with his head thrown backward, mouth wide open, and eyes closed as he lost himself in the pleasure Ren’s cock was giving him definitely won over it. The fact that that view was a treat only for his eyes added up a lot of points as well.

Ren didn’t care of who came before or if someone would come after in Shota’s life. What mattered to him was that at that moment, in that precise moment of their lives, Shota was only his. Those loud moans, those expressions, those nails piercing his skin, that dick bouncing up and down because of Shota’s frenetic thrusts. Everything for and because of Ren.

Sitting up, Ren’s hand reached for Shota’s dick to jerk him off, while he gripped the other’s hair and joined their foreheads together. They were both at their limits, on the verge of going insane when Shota wrapped his arms around Ren’s shoulders for a heated and sloppy kiss, while spilling on his hand and stomach. Shota still rode him while climaxing, as Ren’s mouth took in all the vibrations that the other’s groans were sending him.

Shota parted from him panting heavily, but he still found the breath to whisper something to him which he didn’t really quite catch as his own orgasm welled up and he came with a shudder and a throaty moan.

“What… did you… say?” he panted.

Shota searched for his gaze and when their eyes met, he repeated loud and clear this time.

“I love you.”

— — — — — — — — —

Shota was drying his hair when Ren peeked out from the bathroom’s door, already dressed in his own spare T-shirt and sweatpants he had kept at Shota’s place. His boyfriend was looking extremely dazzling with a bathrobe on so he couldn’t help but stare at him. Noticing that, Shota raised an eyebrow at him, but Ren just shook his head and mouthed ‘nothing’.

He approached the other only when the hair dryer was turned off and put down. His two strong arms went to hold Shota’s waist gently, while his nose buried itself in the man’s hair.

“I don’t want to be a broken record but you can’t even imagine how much I love this scent.”

“Well, you have it on you too now, we used the same shampoo,” Shota pointed out.

“But I can’t smell it from my hair,” he whined, before shifting his head and resting it on the crook of Shota’s neck, “So I guess we’ll have to stay like this forever.”

“Let me go, I have to get dressed,” Shota complained, pretending to hate that proximity, even if the huge grin on his face betrayed him.

Still, Ren freed him – not before stealing a quick kiss on his lips – and followed him back to the bedroom. He let himself fall on the bed while the other got changed, and a content sigh escaped his lips.

“What is it?” Shota asked. “You’ve been having some sort of aura around you since before.”

“I’m just happy I guess. I told you that you give me happiness, didn’t I?” he replied, still looking at the ceiling, “Plus, Everything is Everything is still playing in my ears.”

“You… were there?”

“I was,” he paused, “It’s a beautiful song, Shoppi. It really moved me and it brought me here tonight. I couldn’t wait any longer to have you in my arms.”

He didn’t hear anything else for a while, before he felt Shota falling next to him and hugging his body.

“I promise that I’ll cherish you for real from now on. I also won’t keep any more secrets from you. And I’ll be more clear with my feelings so that you won’t doubt me. I will show that I’m worth it.”

“And I promise that I’ll protect you and that always be by your side. If anything happens to you, I’ll become your shield or anything, just to keep you safe in my arms. I’ll show you just how much you mean to me every day, as I had promised from before.”

Shota shifted his head to look at him, “Did you? I don’t remember.”

“It was a promise I made to myself the day you confessed.”

Shota hummed, before snuggling closer to him and starting to give him little pecks all over his cheeks and neck. Ren felt a shiver running down his spine, caused by the other’s lips and by his hair that would tickle his skin. He still embraced his boyfriend and held him close, bathing in all the affection he was receiving.

It felt incredibly great when Shota showed his tender side and showered him in cuddles. It was a rare event to get him in the mood for petting after all, so Ren always made sure to make the best out of that time and enjoy it as much as he could.

When Shota had his head buried in his chest while caressing his firm body, Ren’s eyes happened to fall on the window. It was still dark outside despite the late hour, so, being the romantic he is, he suggested an idea.

“Do you want to go to the veranda to look at the stars?”

Shota didn’t look at the window but at Ren.

“Yeah, why not.”

“Even though I have the brightest one right in my arms.”

— — — — — — — — —

Some months later…

“This is the last one!” Raul announced as he entered the apartment, placing down the cardboard box at the apartment’s entrance.

“Got it, thanks, Raul,” he said, “This goes to the living room.”

The boy nodded and the two moved to the said room, where an absorbed Shota was checking that all Ren’s boxes were in their place.

“Make sure to not have this place become a dump as soon as you unpack.”

“I just tend to be messy, but my room has always been clean.”

“How can something be clean but messy?” Shota frowned, totally lost at the combination of those two words.

Sighing, Ren approached the other to cup his face. “I’ll make sure to keep it tidy when you come around, alright?”

Shota nodded, a pout forming on his lips showing how he wasn’t that satisfied by that reply, but before Ren could make it disappear with a kiss, their friend cleared his throat to remind them that he was there too.

“I guess I’ll take my leave here. As the cupid who had made it possible for you two to get together, I like seeing you two happy but I’d rather not see you smooching in front of me,” Raul said, causing them to laugh embarrassedly. “I also have to drop by the library to do some research for an assignment.”

“Thanks for making time for me today,” Ren told him.

The two exchanged a high five before Raul excused himself and exited Ren’s new apartment. When he heard the front door close, he looked around at all his boxes and rolled up his sleeves, “I guess I should start with my clothes? Or do you reckon I should unpack my kitchen stuff first?”

“Clothes,” Shota replied, before checking his wristwatch and sighing.“I’d like to help you but it’s almost time for recording,” he informed him.

“Don’t worry, I can manage here.”

“Before I go, though, I have something for you,” Shota started. “I didn’t have time to buy you a proper present for the new apartment, so you can consider this a knick-knack since you’ll probably be too embarrassed to use it.”

Ren eyed his boyfriend curiously before a Cinnamoroll keychain was hanging from Shota’s hand, swaying left and right. He took it in his hands and stared affectionately at the cute white dog holding a strawberry.

“I went back to that gachapon and tried to get a Cinnamoroll keychain for you,” Shota explained when Ren was still not uttering any words.

“How many pulls were needed?”

“Well, I’m not as lucky as you so I may have had to pull half of the prizes if not all of them…” Shota mumbled, scratching his nape and looking anywhere but at him.

Ren burst out laughing when he heard that.

“You emptied a gachapon just to have matching keychains?”

“What?! We don’t have matching keychains!” Shota retorted, a hint of red on his cheeks, “They’re just two Sanrio keychains. They’re not related at all.”

“So you didn’t win this so that my Cinnamoroll could match with your Badtz-Maru.”

Shota opened his mouth to say something but then he stopped, chewed on his lips for some seconds before walking past Ren, “You can even hide it in a drawer.”

He caught the man before he could exit the room, hugging him from behind as he loved to, and planted a kiss on Shota’s lips, right on his mole.

“I’ll definitely put it up somewhere. Thank you,” he mumbled, “I love you, you know that.”

Shota hummed and nodded, pretending to not care too much about it. One of his hands raised up until caressing Ren’s cheek, as he whispered, “I know.”

They stayed like that for a while, relaxing in that by-now-familiar embrace. The first to move was Shota who, still with his hand on his cheek, patted it a few times.

“I really have to go now,” he said. “I’ll call you tonight.”

Ren released him as he replied, “Okay.”

“Okay,” Shota repeated, now standing on the threshold of the door.

“See you,” Ren waved a hand at him.

“See you,” the man mimicked him.

“Bye.”

“Bye.”

“Shoppi,” Ren started, an amused grin on his face, “Do you perhaps want to stay here with me?”

“What makes you think so?”

“You’re stalling like I did the first times we talked.”

Shota crossed his arms, “I’m not keeping the conversation going.”

“Doesn’t seem like that to me.”

His boyfriend sighed before going into the hallway to reach the front door. Ren trailed behind. Shota directed at him only a last glance before exiting the apartment red as a tomato.

Ren was left looking at his front door, teeth biting his lips at the thought of his boyfriend acting so cutely without even realizing.

“Time to unpack now,” he told himself.

He returned to the living room to start working but not before having placed the Cinnamoroll keychain on the couch, the sole piece of furniture as of now.

His boyfriend still may not have been the most vocal person when it came to expressing his feelings, but he would do that through his actions. Ren had now learned that so, while looking at that keychain, he could feel Shota’s gentle voice whispering into his ears.

“I love you too.”

Comments

[greatesthits]

once again claiming my spot here so i can return when i'm done with my day and can sit and enjoy part 2. I'M SO EXCITED! a bit late, but i'm here!

this was soooo good. starting it off strong with shota being the one to pick up meme 🤩 So, this is Shota-kun when he does things seriously <- i love that meme has this thought. meme proceeding to tease shota is so funny and sweet, and him making shota ask him out properly... wow, i love it! but the fact that shota is taking meme as an exclusive guest to a shop he frequents is so sweet, and all of it being followed with some more light teasing 🥹 but hold on, shota expressing that he wants to keep things on the low had me worried and it made me super curious to know what happened, ah! ALSO JURI APPEARANCE... and meme being jealous and wanting to ask but chickening out 👀

the entire scene of meme trying to get a cinnamoroll and then getting a badtz-maru for shoppi instead was so precious! i will be honest and say that i was listening to taylor swift when i read this specific part:

Shota’s fingers brushed Ren’s ones as the man took the keychain in his hands, admiring it. “It does,” he affirmed, before raising his gaze to look up at Ren. “Thank you. I’ll cherish it—I’ll cherish the both of you.”
Shota seemed to have lost himself in Ren’s eyes since he wasn’t uttering a single word while staring at him. Then, in the blink of an eye, Shota threw a quick glance at their surroundings before lowering his mask and pecking Ren’s cheek.
Yes, he was definitely lucky.

and it really was almost enough to make me tear up.

the scene with the journalist was very interesting too, ahhh. of course meme wouldn't give up any info but that convo with shota had me 👀 because of the juri mention and then the entire reveal that juri isn't actually his ex was so funny. you almost got me there, ngl! meme's words were so sweet and i'm glad they were able to resolve that small issue! AND THE NEXT SCENE... suno performing at best artist was so nice but after that... i loved shota falling asleep on meme and then him telling meme to not belittle himself over his interview article, what a #supportive boyfriend! the mention of meme also being supportive and helping shoppi when he didn't feel like he sang well enough - i caught that! and then meme waking him up by blowing in his ear - a mention to another one of my favorite mmnb moments? 🤔 but then i noticed it immediately as the conversation drifted after shoppi left... his ex is fukka, just by the things he told meme. it is too on the nose oh my gosh like this: “And I know you’re going to treat him right. He… He deserves that.” MY NABEFUKKA 😭

now now now the next scene... dear author, bless you because this line here:
“If you need to blow off something, you can always blow me, you know.” — it was absolutely world stopping for me. what a nice scene! i can't say much else given the nature of it but the fact that it was topped off with a confession of "I love you" (THAT WASN'T HEARD BY SHOTA!) really made it complete.

the concert scene. firstly: i agree with meme on cry out shota. next, OH MY GOD.... THE DRESSING ROOM SCENE. I WAS READING WITH BATED BREATH. and fukka walking in.... naurrrrr i knew it. i knew he was shoppi's ex 🥲

“I’m an idiot,” Ren muttered to himself, before addressing the other. “So what? You just wanted to show off to him now?”

another moment for misunderstandings 🥹 it was painful to read through this (in a good way) and when it got to this part:

“Come on, it has only been some months, who will already feel love?” Shota asked, justifying his reply.

i was about ready to scream like shota... please... be quite, you are making this worse 🥹 the fact that meme did tell shoppi he loves him earlier but he didn't hear... wow, this is pain.

“You told me you wouldn’t leave.”
“And you said that you’ll cherish me. Guess we’re both liars.”

NO 😭 and the knife was only twisted with the text messages they exchanged like, shota why are you agreeing to a break, please fight for your man 😭

sakuma coming over to check in on him is so sweet and i think very needed. also, more information on nabefukka's relationship. it was super interesting to read and it did answer a lot of questions i was beginning to have! i can't imagine how it'd be for this to go down with a bunch of young 20-somethings... like, talk about messy, of course it'd end up this way 🥲 sakuma apologizing for shoppi... meme, i too apologize. and i'm happy that meme went to see fukka (and hikaru). it was a big relief to have the misunderstandings resolved so nicely.

now the debut concert. hara being the best friend ever and encouraging meme to go while revealing he knew about shoppi, such a wonderful friendship ☺️ the banter between suno at the concert is funny and then shota introducing the song... EVERYTHING IS EVERYTHING?! god, it's so fitting. meme knowing the meaning right away and going to wait outside of shota's apartment door. I LOVE IT.

i love every part of them making up but this:

“Yeah,” Shota replied, “Since I know you there has only been you.”

absolutely exceptional. and another saucy scene also followed by an "I love you" FROM SHOPPI... this is the perfect way to wrap it up <3 the after of it is also so sweet and i'm glad they were open about their feelings and thoughts with each other. and meme referring to shota as the brightest star... they're so perfect together 😭

naberau helping meme move, i love them 😭 also rau calling himself the cupid that made it possible for them to get together, AHHHH, intentional or not, thank you rau. shota's gift to meme being a cinnamoroll and then denying that they do in fact have matching keychains... STOP, that's so sweet. and all the dialogue in this last scene is so perfect. THE FINAL LINE...

“I love you too.”

wow 🥹 this was absolutely amazing.

once again, author, this was so wonderful to read. there was so much i wanted to comment on but i wanted to keep it a bit shorter this time! anyway i am so thankful to have received such a beautiful fic. it hit all my favorite things and it made me so happy. i think i have an idea on who you might be after looking at the signups and i guess i'll have my answer soon so i can't wait to thank you personally!