A snowflake for halocinated!

[snowmods09]

Title: Until the Day I Find You

Pairings: Iwamoto Hikaru/Fukazawa Tatsuya, implied past Fukazawa Tatsuya/Meguro Ren

Genres: Historical romance,

Rating: Explicit

Summary: After his death, Tatsuya reawakens back in his body at twenty-nine years old. With no way of truly knowing the life his body has lived so far, he must navigate the season to ensure his sister gets engaged. What he never expected was for her to want to be with the man he loved most.

Warnings: Mentions of death (not detailed), explicit sexual content

Author's notes: To my recipient, I had a lot of fun trying to combine as much as your wants as I could and I hope you enjoy the result. I truly wish I could’ve written more for you. Instead of the British Regency era, this takes place in Japan during the Meiji era (1868–1912), which is why there is a combination of Western and Japanese elements. Big thank you to my beta, E, and any mistakes left are my own.

 

 

Tatsuya would never get used to it.

He had woken up in his bedroom, and when he entered the dining room for breakfast, he found his sister alive.

She was alive and completely well, her full cheeks flushed a pretty pink and her dark eyes twinkling as she laughed at some joke their mother said. She turned to him momentarily, as if waiting for his reaction to what Mother had said, and Tatsuya was taken aback by how the morning sun that poured in from the open doors behind her illuminated her outline with a soft halo and made the silk satin of her purple kimono shine.

When he gave no reaction, so lost in his own thoughts, she returned her attention to their mother, changing the topic of conversation.

Her delicate voice was easily tuned out in Tatsuya’s mind; his thoughts were much louder than anything she said. With so many uncertainties, there were only a few things that Tatsuya was sure of.

The first thing was that he had died yesterday. The phantom pains still lingered in his abdomen when he woke up, but when he pulled up his shirt, there was not a mark on his body. And the next thing he was sure of was: this was no dream or hallucination, despite his very real death. There was no denying that everything around him was concrete.

The third and final thing Tatsuya was sure of was that, years before his death, his sister had died. Despite the years, he could still remember it vividly—how her body had been so frail and her face drained of the life she was supposed to have, the sickness she had made her so weak that she could not lift even a finger. Tatsuya had remained by her side all those days, clutching onto her hand with tears in his eyes and a sob in his throat as she took her final breath.

And this morning, they were both alive.

It wasn’t the first time that Tatsuya had woken up and found himself in his family’s home once again. It happened each time he reached the end of his previous life. Even though the days and seasons in which he awoke changed, it was always the same bed in the same room.

This time it seemed like he had returned to the age of 29, a difference from the last time he’d woken up as a young child. In some previous lives, at this age, he was already married to a beautiful woman and had moved out with a child or two to care for. If he was still unmarried at this age, then the soul who’d been occupying this body until now hadn’t made any major mistakes with him.

Because the ultimate goal for Tatsuya was to never be married. He had to remain that way, no matter the cost, because by never marrying, Tatsuya would be able to ensure three things:

1. His sister lived happily,
2. His father remained in the House of Peers, and lastly,
3. He was guaranteed to keep the love of his life by his side.

Each person meant a great deal to him, and he couldn’t bear to be without one of them. Yet in all the lifetimes he had lived through thus far, he always managed to misstep and lose, resulting in their often untimely deaths before his own unfortunate death. From what he’d learned, one of the only sure ways to maintain everything as it was was to be unmarried. It would always give him more time to think about what he should do next.

If Tatsuya could decline the arrangements made by his parents, then keeping everyone around him and himself alive would be much easier, but that wasn’t the case for an eligible viscount like him, especially not when he spent months surrounded by aristocrats with daughters ready for marriage.

“With parliament going back into session soon, we’ll be returning to Tokyo at the end of the week, and we will remain there until further notice,” Mother said as they finished eating their breakfast. There was a nervous jilt to her voice, giving her away, despite the serious expression on her face. “I have great expectations for this season.”

Of course Mother was beginning to feel nervous for what may happen this season, Tatsuya thought. If he was 29, his sister was near the end of her prime years to be married. If she didn’t get engaged this season, she never would. In his past lives, this almost always led to her death. From what Tatsuya had gathered, it never mattered who she married, just as long as she was, but the ideal marriage partner for his sister, of course, was someone who shared their status or, even better, held a higher one.

“Not only do I expect great things from Yurina,” Mother continued, taking Tatsuya by surprise. She looked at him, her expression still serious and giving away very little of her true emotions. “But from you as well, Tatsuya.”

This was no different than any other time he’d been told this. “Of course, Mother,” he said, bowing his head.

He would let her down—he always did—but Yurina wouldn’t. This season, Tatsuya would make it his goal to secure an appropriate engagement for her. Of course, the issue lay in the fact that Yurina was possibly the most stubborn woman Tatsuya had ever known, and her want for independence was not easily waned.

“Mother, take it easy on us,” Yurina said, her airy laugh breaking the tension within the room. “Tattsu has time to marry, and so do I.”

Tatsuya grimaced at that, turning away from their mother. He could already imagine the annoyed look on her face.

“Think of what others will say!” she exclaimed. “Two grown, unmarried children. What will that do to your father’s reputation when the time for election comes?”

Yurina huffed, a tell-tale sign that she was preparing for an argument, and that was Tatsuya’s cue to excuse himself. He stood up, smoothing down the front of his coat, and the attention fell on him, Mother’s annoyed expression turning confused as she asked him what he was doing. He was glad to be able to take Mother’s attention away from Yurina just this once, and he’d made sure that she repaid him for saving her from an argument later.

“If we are to leave at the end of the week, I must attend to some business here,” he said.

Mother seemed unconvinced, but she nodded anyway, looking away and out the open doors. “Very well.”

With her looking away, he took the chance to reach out and pinch Yurina on the shoulder, amused by her pained reaction. Come see me later, he mouthed to her. She seemed to understand, quickly recovering from the pain and nodding.

He left the room with one more look in Yurina’s direction, the maids who were standing outside bowing their heads as he stepped out. Yurina’s own excuse to leave the room was cut off by the door closing behind him.

Tatsuya had no official business, just as Mother suspected, but he still needed to straighten a few things out before they departed. He had woken up in this body knowing nothing of the 29 years it had already lived through, and he needed to gather as much information as possible before making a mistake that’d ruin everything.

⁂

Preparations for the Fukazawas’ departure to Tokyo were made in earnest in the following days. Tatsuya’s only job was to leave it to the staff and simply be wherever he was asked to be.

Tatsuya saw Father around less, not that he was around much to begin with, and even Mother was also busy with making final arrangements with the staff. Whatever she asked for, the staff scrambled to prepare it quickly. The most pressing matter seemed to be about their appearances, even though Yurina had commented that it hadn’t been long since they had purchased new garments specifically to wear in Tokyo. Mother hadn’t been pleased with her remarks, seeming to have changed her mind about it now that the time to go was near.

And despite knowing that they’d be receiving new clothes once in Tokyo, Mother had the seamstresses come in to make Yurina all-new dresses and kimonos, all of them more extravagant than what she already had, and each one was carefully packed into trunks for their departure. Tatsuya had his own fittings with a tailor and had at least a week’s worth of new suits prepared to be packed into his own trunks, which would be more than plenty until he bought more suits in the city.

There was also a need for winter clothes since it was still the start of the year and the weather remained a bit unforgiving, especially during travel.

Tatsuya decided to leave his share of the money for winter clothes to his sister. He could get by with wearing last year’s garments without anyone commenting on it too harshly. He was a man, after all. However, Yurina needed to stand out no matter what she wore, and the fashionable muffs and cloaks of the West were expensive and difficult to obtain in such a short period of time this far from the capital.

It took a few more days for Yurina’s clothes to be prepared, but Tatsuya appreciated the delay, using it to gather as much information as he could. There was only one person in the estate that Tatsuya knew he could trust regardless of what life he’d lived before, and he tried to spend as much time with him as possible.

But as a member of the family, Tatsuya’s being seen with a member of their staff that wasn’t his valet was a bit suspicious. For that reason, he made sure that they met in secret.

“You mustn’t tell anyone about this,” Tatsuya reminded him when they met for the fourth day in a row.

“You have my word, my lord.”

Tatsuya sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Shunsuke,” he breathed out. “Like I said before, you can leave the formalities out there.”

“Apologies, my lord.”

Shunsuke covered his mouth a second after, an apologetic expression crossing his face for a moment. The sight was a bit amusing, so Tatsuya held back his laughter and let it go. He knew that Shunsuke would get used to it soon enough if he was anything like the previous Shunsukes he’d met before.

For some years now, Shunsuke, only a few years younger than Tatsuya, had been working for the Fukazawa family, but he was full of potential for becoming more than a mere footman. Tatsuya knew that he’d eventually move on to a better life if things went as he wanted them to and he’d be better off without the Fukazawa family name hanging over him, but for now, he was the closest person in this residence that Tatsuya could call a friend.

In previous lives, Shunsuke had been someone who was close to Tatsuya regardless of his job as a footman, but it seemed like they weren’t as familiar with each other this time around. Shunsuke had definitely been taken by surprise when Tatsuya had approached him, but he had been open to speaking with him, even through his stuttering and worried glances around.

“I’ve brought the ledger from the previous year as you requested.”

Shunsuke offered him a thin, weathered hardcover book.

Tatsuya quickly noticed how Shunsuke’s hand was shaking, and he took the book, noticing the breath of relief Shunsuke released. “Thank you,” he replied, tucking it underneath his arm. Shunsuke bowed his head in response. “Does the housekeeper know you have it?”

“She doesn’t.”

“Of course she doesn’t.” Tatsuya clicked his tongue and then sighed, meeting Shunsuke’s eyes again. He took the book from under his arm and used it to motion to Shunsuke. “Thank you. I’ll return it by the afternoon. Meet me in the library shortly after luncheon.”

Shunsuke only nodded, the anxious expression on his face making Tatsuya feel a little uncomfortable. He motioned for Shunsuke to go, and he picked up on the cue immediately, rushing out into the main hall. Tatsuya heard a crash, followed by a maid’s wordless exclamation and Shunsuke apologizing.

It would take a while for Tatsuya to earn Shunsuke’s trust fully, but he was prepared to work at it. After all, it would be thanks to Shunsuke that Tatsuya would make it out alive.

Over the past few days, Shunsuke had seemed confused and then alarmed by the nature of Tatsuya’s questions, but he had answered honestly. Apparently, in the years Shunsuke had been working for the Fukazawa family, Tatsuya had always been a pleasant and charming man in public, just like any other aristocrat his age, but he seemed to keep most of his hobbies and feelings to himself unless around his close acquaintances.

And from the searching Tatsuya did, he managed to gather a short list of those who could be closest to him. He had several letters from them dating back over the last few years, carefully kept in a locked box in his room. However, there was one person missing. The most important person to Tatsuya.

He looked at the book, weighing it in his hand.

Even if Tatsuya had confirmed the identities of those closest to him, he knew the ways of gentlemen like him. If he had any other acquaintances he needed to be familiar with, friendly or otherwise, he’d find out this way. If he held any other secrets he should know of, the expenses noted by the housekeeper as his would give him away. It would be impossible to get the ledgers for every year, but all Tatsuya really needed was something recent to keep up with any appearances from the previous season.

The spine of the book cracked as he opened it and flipped through the thin yellowed pages, doing his best to find his name in the housekeeper’s messy scrawl. But it seemed like he didn’t do anything out of the ordinary. There were purchases that were common, such as clothes, books, or other materials needed for his hobbies, but none of them stood out or provided him with any further information.

And then he spotted it.

In the fifth month of last year, several yen were paid towards various games he had lost at a gentlemen’s club. All paid to the order of Lord Iwamoto.

A sigh of relief escaped him.

⁂

The Fukazawa family finally departed in the late morning at the end of the week. Following breakfast, the house staff gathered in front of the gates to bid their farewell.

Tatsuya lingered behind, standing near Shunsuke, as Mother was helped into the rickshaw.

“Thank you for your help,” he whispered to Shunsuke, catching him by surprise. “I sincerely appreciate it. Should I need anything else, I will send for you directly.”

“My lord…”

Tatsuya took a step back, far enough that Shunsuke couldn’t finish what he was saying without raising his voice. He offered a tight smile and a slight bow of his head to the members of the staff, holding his hands behind his back, before walking down to where he was supposed to be.

Mother was already sitting comfortably in the rickshaw next to Father, a blanket draped over their laps. There were two more rickshaws, one for Tatsuya and one for Yurina. Before the rickshaw driver was able to, Tatsuya offered her his hand.

“Oh!” she exclaimed as he appeared beside her.

She carefully grabbed onto him, the thick burgundy wool of her shawl draping over his hand, and hoisted herself up into the rickshaw. The rickshaw driver quickly and quietly offered her the blanket and helped her drape it over her lap. As he did so, Yurina looked at Tatsuya carefully and then moved her attention to somewhere behind him, the hat on her head casting a shadow across the top half of her face.

Through the clear net of her hat’s veil, Tatsuya saw her lips barely move and her voice was a mere whisper. “It seems you’ve been keeping secrets, Tattsu.”

Tatsuya stepped back in surprise. Had she seen him speak to Shunsuke? He looked at her carefully. She seemed serious and her eyes, still hidden in shadow, were asking questions Tatsuya couldn’t decipher. He knew that before anything happened in Tokyo, he’d have to speak to her.

Instead of answering her question now, he turned to the rickshaw driver and reached out to squeeze his shoulder. “Be careful with this one, driver. She’s dangerous.”

Yurina’s expression quickly changed as she let out a startled laugh, the sound muffled by the rickshaw’s hood once Tatsuya walked away, a smile on his own lips. He got into the last rickshaw and took the offered blanket before looking back at the house and the staff in front of it. He met Shunsuke’s eyes once more and gave him a subtle nod, prompting him to bow his head, before turning back to face the front and leaning back against the seat. As the driver picked up the shafts of the rickshaw, Tatsuya sighed and adjusted the hat on his head.

“Is everything all right, my lord?” the driver asked.

“Yes, yes. Everything’s fine.”

The driver didn’t ask anything else, leaving Tatsuya to his thoughts. He didn’t know whether things would remain all right in the future.

Compared to the tame countryside, time seemed to move much quicker in the busy capital, and depending on parliament, the season could end in a few short weeks or last until the start of fall. Either way, Tatsuya knew he had to achieve his goal no matter what.

At least he wouldn’t have to wait long before he spoke to Yurina, as it only took an hour to reach Yokohama, where they would take the train the remaining distance to Tokyo. Though they usually stopped to look around the area and often spent some money in some local shops, Mother seemed to be in a hurry to get them to their destination before luncheon, rushing them to board the train that arrived right after they had. Tatsuya escorted Yurina through the busy station, slipping in between other ladies and gentlemen that had just alighted the train to not lose sight of their parents.

Tatsuya had only a moment to catch a glimpse of the tall brick buildings and the sails of ships that had departed the nearby port into Tokyo Bay as Yurina was helped up the steps of the train’s passenger car.

“Tattsu,” she called out, getting his attention. “Hurry now before Mother has a fit.”

He looked towards the train attendant and offered him a nod before grabbing onto the rail and taking the steep steps up. He followed behind Yurina to their seats near the back. He looked around the car as they got settled, noticing how a few eyes lingered on them. They were faces that Tatsuya didn’t recognize, but they sure seemed to recognize who they were.

“Tell me,” Yurina started, smoothing down the fabric of her skirt. “Why were you speaking with a footman?”

Tatsuya hushed her, looking around once more. Without the privacy that came with being in a compartment, they’d have to be careful about what was said and where.

“We’re close friends,” Tatsuya replied, keeping his voice low.

“Spare me the jokes.” Yurina huffed out a small laugh and rolled her eyes. “Close friends with a footman…. Not even you and I are friends, much less close ones.”

Tatsuya nearly rebutted, but he bit his tongue. He hadn’t had the opportunity to speak to Yurina much in private since waking up in this body, but he had also noticed that she hadn’t seemed to want to speak much with him anyway. They only saw each other at mealtimes, and there wasn’t much that they could speak about then. From what Tatsuya remembered of his previous life, one of his closest confidants had always been Yurina. Could it be that they had a different relationship in this life?

“That’s my fault,” Tatsuya murmured, turning his head away. He didn’t want to see her face. “If I’ve ever made you feel that way, I apologize.”

There was an odd ache in his chest, but he kept from pressing his hand on it. Instead, he clenched his hands into fists over his thighs. How could he and Yurina not be close as siblings? What had happened for their relationship to be like this? Tatsuya breathed out slowly and quietly.

If Yurina didn’t trust him, it’d be much more difficult to secure an engagement for her without it seeming like he was trying to get rid of her. She wouldn’t understand that Tatsuya’s intention was simply to protect her, and he couldn’t risk worsening the already weak ties he was working with.

Whatever this body had been through and done to create such a relationship with his sister, Tatsuya would have to correct it quickly. And he’d only be able to hope that, for once in her life, Yurina wasn’t stubborn about the change.

“You know, you’re different these days, Tattsu,” Yurina muttered, playing with the hem of her shawl. “I wonder why.”

Tatsuya returned his attention to her, surprised that she had seemed to pick up on the difference between him and the person who’d been in this body before. Of course she would, Tatsuya thought. He likely wasn’t acting like the brother she’d known all her life, and it was something to worry about. He wouldn’t know what kind of person she lived with all these years, but if he could be a better brother to her moving forward, that’s all Tatsuya needed.

She didn’t seem to notice his staring, her gaze still cast down. He said nothing, choosing to place his hand over hers and squeeze lightly, with the hope that it would be a comfort to her. If the future that Tatsuya had lived through dozens of times remained the same, he knew that she would need him to be by her side until her very last breath.

⁂

Upon arriving at Shimbashi Station in Tokyo, there was yet another rickshaw ride to the Fukazawa residence. It was much smoother than their first, the rickshaws moving effortlessly over the wide stone-paved streets.

Tatsuya remained quiet during the ride, listening to the hustle and bustle of a version of Tokyo that he hadn’t seen in years. When Tatsuya died, the Tokyo he had left behind had been completely different, a capital much larger and far more advanced than it was now. As it stood today, it reminded Tatsuya of a different time—a time that was still untouched by the disasters he knew he was unable to prevent no matter how many times he returned—and it provided him with a feeling of comfort that he hadn’t felt thus far in this life. It was surreal to see buildings that he knew would eventually be destroyed. Even seeing the current fashions being worn by so many, still heavily influenced by the West, felt strange. In only a few short years, everything would change drastically, and Tatsuya would have to live through the change all over again.

He’d never get used to it, he thought once more. But he could enjoy it.

After some time, the rickshaws slowed in the gravel driveway of Fukazawa Manor, and Tatsuya felt much calmer. He carefully stepped out of the rickshaw, the gravel crunching under his shoes, and gazed up at what would be their home for the foreseeable future.

As with many residences of Japanese aristocrats, Fukazawa Manor in Tokyo was much different than the one they had in the countryside. With the growing influence from the West in recent decades, many members within the House of Peers had their homes rebuilt to embrace modernity and display their wealth. Count Fukazawa had been no exception to this, destroying the comfortable home that Tatsuya had spent his infancy in and replacing it with something much more grand for him to grow up in.

So, unlike the traditional countryside home they lived in during the autumn season, Fukazawa Manor was a great two-story stone and brick structure that, even though it’d been completely designed and built by Japanese men, was awfully reminiscent of a French estate. From the details carved into the white stone to the shape of the windows to the hardy trees and shrubs planted around, it felt like stepping into a different world altogether.

The staff for the house were lined up in front of the portico, their heads bowed in greeting. Compared to the countryside, the number of staff here was much larger and the estate more well-equipped but, of course, they had more responsibilities for receiving guests and hosting events while the season and parliament session were ongoing. Mother and Father went ahead, the house’s butler and housekeeper walking a few steps behind them. Tatsuya wouldn’t be surprised if they were informing them about the invitations to future balls that had already come in.

Yurina seemed to be waiting for Tatsuya, peering over her shoulder as she slowed her steps a short distance in front of him. Tatsuya silently fell into step with her and they walked to the large front door together, entering a moment after their parents and being greeted by the butler and housekeeper. When Tatsuya looked around for their parents, they were already gone, Father likely off to prepare for the session and Mother to rest in her room after the journey.

“It’s been a while since we were here,” Yurina said once the butler and housekeeper excused themselves. He turned his attention to her, finding her already looking at him with knowing eyes. “You can never get used to it, right?”

Tatsuya simply hummed in agreement.

Like the exterior, the interior of the house seemed to be pulled directly from a modern Western home, complete with a telephone line and electricity. Even though they still lived with the dim light of andon lamps in the countryside, Fukazawa Manor had been built with intricate light fixtures in the ceilings and walls to illuminate every inch with warm white light. Such bright lighting, combined with the parquet hardwood flooring that was blanketed with a plush red carpet and the matching elaborate wood trims on the walls, made it clear that the house was nothing short of an ostentatious display of the Fukazawa family’s wealth and power.

“Home, sweet home,” Yurina murmured sarcastically beside him before taking a few steps forward.

She was approached by her lady’s maid, the two of them quickly jumping into conversation as they moved towards the grand staircase.

“My lord,” his valet’s voice said from behind him.

Tatsuya turned around, meeting his old, familiar eyes. “Oh.”

He was prepared to take Tatsuya’s coat and hat from him. “Shall I prepare a bath and change of clothes before luncheon as usual?”

Tatsuya paused, not making a move to remove his outerwear. “No, that’s all right,” he said. He kept his tone light and smiled at the older man. “I’ll be taking a stroll around the gardens before luncheon.”

Even if this was Tatsuya’s first time here as part of this life, he knew the place by heart. He politely declined his valet’s offer to accompany him and made his way to the large doors at the back of the house.

Stepping back out into the chill was a welcome relief from the all too warm stuffiness that the inside provided. As he exhaled, a white cloud appeared in front of his face. Through his breath, Tatsuya observed the gardens.

From the top step, he was able to see the entire thing. Unlike the peaceful garden of a traditional Japanese home, the gardens here were designed to be as extravagant as the rest of the home, with a manicured lawn, tiered fountains made of white marble, and dozens of thoughtfully chosen flowers arranged into neat borders and complicated geometric designs. Given that spring was still a few short weeks away, it looked a little worse for wear, but Tatsuya knew that by next month, the garden would begin to bloom with color.

For now, the garden’s dreariness would have to provide him with comfort.

He took the steps down and started his walk around the gravel path, wondering if he was truly prepared for everything that was to come. Since he had already lived through this year multiple times before, Tatsuya knew the bills to be discussed in parliament and the outcome, but the time that was spent deliberating was never the same. There was no telling how much he had.

He was also curious about the events of the season. Like the time Parliament spent deliberating over drafted bills, the hosts or number of events in any given season never seemed to remain the same. The only event that seemed to happen without fail each season was the grand ball held by the Duchess of Miyadate, as it had been used to open the season with a great show of spectacle since the House of Peers had been established a few years prior. It’d surely be the only opportunity for Tatsuya to socialize with everyone and anyone of importance.

For a moment, he wondered if the Iwamotos would be present. If Iwamoto were to be present, Tatsuya had to be prepared to take advantage of it.

He stopped walking, the dust that had been kicked up from the gravel settling on the toes of his shoes, and he considered the chances.

The Iwamotos were always invited to balls, but whether they all attended was always a surprise to the rest of the attendees. The Duchess and Lady Mai were always in attendance at balls, but the Duchess’s sons were often easily swayed into meeting with friends at gentlemen’s clubs instead of balls or not leaving Iwamoto Manor at all. Gentlemen’s clubs were more private, allowing for the freedom to be as crude as they wanted to be without worrying if they’d offend anyone. Tatsuya could only hope that he wouldn’t be forced to come to and from a ball and a gentlemen’s club just to see Iwamoto.

If he could just speak to him once before anything else…

“I see you’ve arrived, Fukazawa,” a serious voice called from the steps of the door.

Tatsuya turned quickly, the gravel crunching beneath him. “Sakuma,” he breathed out, the sound of his voice easily swept away as the puff of white that appeared in front of his lips dissipated.

Sakuma’s expression lightened up immediately upon being noticed, his furrowed eyebrows and frown replaced with a wide grin as he all but bounded down the steps and rushed over to Tatsuya, not bothered by the amount of gravel or dust being kicked up in his wake.

In the long list of acquaintances Tatsuya had created, Sakuma was someone who sat comfortably at the top. Like Tatsuya, Sakuma was the son of a man elected to sit in the House of Peers, and as a result, they had been introduced during their adolescence, their friendship growing stronger just as they did. Regardless of the boisterous personality and talkative nature Tatsuya knew him to have, Sakuma proved himself to be a person worthy of confiding in. They had been great friends in previous lives, it was only obvious that they’d remain so in this one.

And it was truly surreal to see Sakuma standing in front of him after all this time. At the time of his previous death, Tatsuya hadn’t seen Sakuma in over a decade. It seemed to always happen that way with Sakuma, even though they had such a great friendship for so many years, and Tatsuya never knew what became of him in any lifetime. So to be back in a time where they were as close as family, left him dazed. It’d been too long since he’d been on the receiving end of Sakuma’s bright smile. It was almost dreamlike, and Tatsuya felt speechless.

“It’s been a while!” Sakuma exclaimed, slapping Tatsuya’s shoulder firmly.

If only Sakuma knew how long it’d truly been since they’d seen each other last.

“You seem to be in better condition than the last time I saw you!”

Tatsuya had little idea of what condition that might’ve been, but he smiled in appreciation anyway. He couldn’t help but think of how his life had ended, how alone he had been in his last moments, and how hearing such words now provided him with great comfort, especially after having lived through it all over in the night terrors that had plagued his sleep each night this week. But he couldn’t let such memories affect his attitude now. Sakuma, much like Yurina, would quickly catch on if anything about him was amiss.

He reached out to punch Sakuma’s shoulder like he used to do when they were messing about. “And look at you!” he replied teasingly. “Not even this weather can dampen your spirits.”

Sakuma laughed loudly, seeming absolutely pleased with Tatsuya’s words. “Why, of course!”

He quickly collected himself and inspected his nails for a moment with feigned interest, his dramatic pout and raised brow enough to make Tatsuya laugh at him. Sakuma met his eyes and grinned again, tossing an arm around Tatsuya’s shoulders and leading him back down the gravel path.

“Y’know, there are an incredible number of lovely ladies to dance with tonight. How can one not look forward to such an event?”

Tatsuya halted, pulling Sakuma back. “Tonight?” he asked, shrugging off Sakuma’s arm from his shoulders. “There are still a few days left. Surely not everyone is able to attend, even if they responded to the invitations.”

“Then consider yourself very lucky that you arrived today. The Duchess had issued a warning of the date on the invitation, so I heard, but she is also resolved to maintain some mystery about the ball this season.” Sakuma clicked his tongue, hiding his hands in the pockets of his coat as he turned to face Tatsuya. He rocked back on his heels, shrugging his shoulders. “Only those who attend will know what happened. Very exclusive, isn’t it?”

It was much sooner than Tatsuya thought, but he also hadn’t been privy to any invitations sent to them in the last several weeks. And even if he had, he wouldn’t know it now, as it was the first week he was living in this body.

If the Fukazawa family had received an invitation, Mother would have replied immediately and taken note of the date. This would give reason for her insistence on their departure and the hurried manner with which they’d been traveling all morning. It wouldn’t be long before she appeared to inform—or, in her mind, remind—Tatsuya of the ball. But more than that, if the Duchess wanted to add a flare of exclusivity to her party, the guest list would have to have an interesting selection of families. Only those that the Duchess deemed worthy of welcoming into Miyadate Manor would be in attendance, given that they had managed to arrive prior to today.

“Have you any idea who may be attending?” Tatsuya asked, taking a step past Sakuma and ascending the steps.

Sakuma followed behind him, humming. “Shota is a given.”

They stopped on the landing, the door still a few steps away.

“Has Nabe arrived?” Tatsuya asked.

Count Watanabe was a bit unpredictable with the timing of his arrival in Tokyo and, because of it, his family often suffered great embarrassment. As respectable as they had become over the years, Tatsuya had to admit that, due to the Count, the family was not as reputable as they should be. Thankfully, Count Watanabe’s children were some of the most charming people in the entire city, and many were quick to look past the Count’s missteps, if only for them. Not to mention how close the Watanabe family was to some of the most prominent families in the House of Peers! They were especially close to the Duchess and her children. It’d be a shame if they weren’t in attendance.

“I believe I heard that he has,” Sakuma replied. He took the last few steps to the door, pulling it open. Tatsuya stepped inside first, turning back to make sure Sakuma followed. “I suppose we’ll see if he shows his face tonight.”

Tatsuya had grown up alongside the Count’s children, and just as Sakuma had been introduced to him, so had Watanabe. The three of them, being the same age and having been schooled together in Tokyo for a few short years, had formed a strong, almost brotherly bond. He was sure that Watanabe was going to show up, knowing the kind of person he was.

Besides, the Countess wouldn’t miss such an opportunity for her children in such a crucial season. Like Yurina, it was about time that the young lady of the Watanabe family was married.

“He must,” Tatsuya said once the door was closed behind them. He kept pace with Sakuma as they returned to the entrance hall of the house. “He enjoys the compliments from the ladies far too much to not attend.”

Sakuma laughed, shoving Tatsuya a little. “As if you don’t!” he exclaimed. “What a devious group we make!”

“Life is too short to not indulge,” Tatsuya joked, elbowing Sakuma in the side.

“That’s for certain.” Sakuma let out a sigh, his expression hardening a little. He looked at Tatsuya with a careful gaze. “I have heard that Iwamoto is here.”

“What?”

It took Tatsuya completely by surprise. He hadn’t expected Sakuma to mention Iwamoto. Could it be that he had revealed things to Sakuma in the past? What other reason could he have for mentioning someone like him? From the correspondence Tatsuya had sorted through, it seemed like he had no personal connection to Iwamoto, only the debts paid to him during last season.

“It’s about time for luncheon, so I must go now, but Fukka…” The sound of the name made Tatsuya hold his breath for a moment. Sakuma reached out and grabbed his hand, squeezing. “Don’t start anything with Iwamoto again. We can’t take sides between you two any longer.”

⁂

Tatsuya was fairly quiet during luncheon; his mind was still stuck on what Sakuma had said before leaving. Mother hadn’t seemed to notice how withdrawn he was, too busy preparing for tonight. It had been the first thing she had told them when they gathered in the dining room for luncheon and she just had to make sure her children looked perfect, even if they were fully capable of choosing their own attire.

Yurina, seated on Tatsuya’s left, had noticed his mood, of course. She had tried to ask him questions, but he kept his replies short under the excuse of not wanting to disturb their mother’s focus as she had maids come in and out of the room with different items.

“Did Lord Sakuma say something troublesome again?” Yurina asked, picking at her food with her chopsticks. “I swear, he’s nothing but bad news, Tattsu. Why you still enjoy his company, I will never understand.”

Tatsuya clicked his tongue in disapproval. “Insulting Sakuma is not a pretty look on you, sister. Is it because he thinks you’re unsightly? Afraid he won’t ask for a dance tonight?”

“He never once said I was unsightly!” Yurina complained, the corners of her lips pulling down into a frown and a deep pink blush coloring her pale cheeks. She set her chopsticks down and pressed her hands to her bright cheeks, narrowing her eyes at Tatsuya. “Even if Lord Sakuma asked for a dance, my dance card would be full!”

Tatsuya snickered, shoveling some rice into his mouth. “To have a full dance card in the first place, you should at the very least be a pretty lady,” he muttered, still chewing on the rice grains in his mouth. “I suppose you’ll have to accept Sakuma’s dance afterall.”

“How rude,” Yurina huffed, crossing her arms over her chest in a childlike manner. “As if you’re such a prize yourself.”

“It’s not the lady that proposes to a gentleman. It doesn’t matter if I am a prize, but I’ll tell you now, I know that I am.”

Before Yurina could say anything else, Mother cleared her throat. “Control yourselves,” she said firmly. “How humiliating to have my children insulting each other so openly.”

The two of them smiled, hiding their amusement behind their hands. They said little else for the remaining half hour, finishing the rice in the bowls and enjoying the various side dishes presented on the table in calm silence. When Mother excused herself, they followed, free to continue roaming around until it was time to prepare.

“I suggest you rest. It’ll be a late night,” Mother said before she retreated to her room again.

They watched her ascend the staircase, and when she was out of sight, Tatsuya turned to Yurina.

“I have to speak to you,” he said carefully.

“What for?”

“The footman.”

Tatsuya led Yurina to the sitting room, knowing that they’d be left alone in there. When they were younger, it served as a playroom of sorts to keep their destruction away from the front room, but as adults, it saw little use. Because of its lack of use, the furniture and decor were not as updated as they were in other rooms of the house, but they were familiar and comfortable to sit in. Yurina sat in the ladies’ chair, the skirt of her dress spreading out and hiding the entire bottom half of it, and Tatsuya sat in the gentleman’s chair.

Upon seeing Yurina in the chair, he remembered something from their childhood. It was common for the wives of lords to visit Fukazawa Manor, and with them came their children. The boisterous laughter of children causing trouble always rang down the halls of the house and, at the heart of it, the Fukazawa children. As much as Tatsuya enjoyed the attention from his playmates, it was his sister that was the real star, commanding all the boys to obey her words.

“You used to stand on that chair and boss me around,” Tatsuya said, the image of his sister from those days still vivid in his mind.

Yurina looked surprised. “You remember such a silly thing?”

Tatsuya realized how odd it was to recall a memory like that, especially if the brother Yurina had known wasn’t fond of reminiscing. “I mean”—he cleared his throat—“of course I remember. Do you know how embarrassing it was to have you boss me and my friends around?”

“Pfft. It’s not my fault you always listened.”

“What choice did I have?” Tatsuya laughed, bringing a hand up to hide his smile.

If he had refused, she would’ve tattled on them all to the mothers in the morning room. Although he felt better knowing that, even in this life, he and Yurina were able to have a memory like that together, he had to collect himself and not fall back into the past again. It took another moment before he was able to speak again.

“That isn’t the point of the conversation. I want to speak about something else.”

Yurina nodded. “Very well. Go on.”

The conversation lasted a little over an hour, and it did not go as Tatsuya expected it would. Firstly, he wasn’t even sure of what he wanted to tell her, but he knew that he could never reveal that he had woken up in this body at the start of the week. She would think him absolutely mad.

Instead, he told her that he had suddenly woken up with a new resolve to take proper care of his responsibilities as a member of the family and asked for her understanding. To explain his sudden relationship with Shunsuke, he simply used the excuse that, as one of the most junior members of the staff, Shunsuke was likely the only member of the staff that would do as Tatsuya asked as he prepared himself—which was not far from the truth—and he mentioned that he had an interest in him as a potential valet in the future.

She had listened intently, which was more than Tatsuya expected her to do, but she still thought him a bit odd if her expressions were anything to go off of. She had some questions, calmly interjecting to ask them as he spoke, and Tatsuya answered them as best as he could. She asked the most questions when Tatsuya mentioned helping secure a potential marriage for her, and she seemed to have saved the question she wanted answered most for last.

“And who, in your eyes, is an ideal marriage partner for me?” she asked. “Perhaps, Lord Sakuma?”

Tatsuya had wrinkled his nose at the suggestion. “Absolutely not. Stay away from him at all costs.”

And then, she asked the question that shook Tatsuya to his core. “And what do you think of The Lord Iwamoto?”

“Lord Haruto Iwamoto?” Tatsuya asked in response, hoping that it was him she was referring to. “He’s younger than you, but he’s still a smart, athletic, and handsome man. I would not be opposed.”

Yurina laughed, turning her face away from him and hiding her mouth behind her delicate hand.

“No, not the younger brother,” she murmured. Tatsuya noticed the blush on her face, and this time, it reached the tips of her ears and crawled all the way down her neck, disappearing underneath the high neckline of her dress. Tatsuya quickly realized that this blush was not out of annoyance and embarrassment, as it had been in the dining room, but out of shyness. “I mean The Marquess Iwamoto. He’s just as smart and athletic as his younger brother, and also just as handsome, if not even moreso.”

Tatsuya felt himself unable to speak. “The Marquess Iwamoto…”

“Never mind it.”

Yurina sounded panicked and embarrassed when she saw Tatsuya’s hesitant reaction. She laughed nervously and waved her hands in front of her, and Tatsuya looked away, focusing on the old curtains hanging in front of the window as he listened to her continue to ramble.

“Ah, but his grace may not be looking to marry this season after all. It’s foolish to think I could have a chance with someone like my lord. I can’t promise I won’t be stubborn, but if—if the gentleman you find ideal for me is kind and respectable, it could be enough. I, too, should begin to think about the family and—”

“I will speak with Iwamoto as soon as possible,” Tatsuya interrupted. His voice sounded flat in his ears. He looked at Yurina again, noting just how embarrassed she looked. “I cannot coerce him into proposing, but I’ll do my best to turn the tables in your favor.”

Yurina clutched at the fabric of her skirt. “Tattsu! Would you?”

“Yes. Now, go rest,” he breathed out, looking away again.

There was a sense of finality to his words, and Yurina obliged, leaving the room quietly and closing the door behind her. Tatsuya didn’t turn to see her go, but he was relieved that she said nothing for once. He didn’t want to receive any words of gratitude from her, especially not if he purposely kept himself from honoring his words.

This had never happened before, and Tatsuya had no clue how to proceed. How could he ever allow his sister to marry Iwamoto? Of all the gentlemen in Tokyo, why did Yurina have to be interested in Iwamoto?

Tatsuya felt like he only had a few options.

If Iwamoto accepted and married Yurina, what would become of Tatsuya? It would be nothing short of devastating for him.

It was difficult to explain the relationship between Tatsuya and Iwamoto, and Yurina, or anyone else for that matter, would never understand it.

Simply put, Iwamoto was the greatest love of every life Tatsuya had lived, and he knew that Iwamoto would be the greatest love of his life in every life that followed. Their history was one that transcended this life and all others, following no reason for what was supposed to be possible. He felt almost capable of holding the threads of their souls in his hands, entangled together so beautifully as to never be separated.

Tatsuya had always known that there was no one else he was meant for but Iwamoto.

Even though hundreds of years had passed since the first time Tatsuya had lived, he could still remember the first time that he had laid eyes on Iwamoto, the two of them still a few years away from knowing what love could be, and how instantly his curiosity over the young lord had formed, something Tatsuya had thought was simply the want and need to befriend him. Only when they had both come of age, becoming as close as friends could, had Tatsuya realized what his interest in Iwamoto truly meant.

The thought had come to him slowly and naturally one morning after breakfast as he watched Iwamoto laugh under the shade of a tree amongst a group of other gentlemen and ladies, untroubled and lively in an honest show of vulnerability that the young lord didn’t give others often. Tatsuya had felt something odd—a tightening in his chest, a dryness in his mouth, and a desire to be the only one to witness this side of Iwamoto and never leave his side—and he remembered just how the young ladies had described the sensations they went through when they were falling in love.

Love.

As it had been his first life, Tatsuya had not yet experienced romantic love. He’d always heard it to be something everlasting with one person, but from what he’d witnessed, he’d come to think of it as something fickle and false. How could a person remain so steadfast in their commitment to another? Not even the most noble of men truly loved a woman enough to have her as his only wife.

Tatsuya never saw himself sharing a life with any lady, as interesting or lovely as she may be. A young lady could not keep him company in the same way a close friend like Iwamoto did. There was no other person that could take the role of greatest, most loyal companion as Iwamoto had, and there was no other person Tatsuya wanted to spend time with and share his most vulnerable thoughts with.

If he had to choose one person to spend his life with, he’d choose to be with Iwamoto. There was no other person for Tatsuya—no one else possessed Iwamoto’s beautiful, sharp eyes that hid so many secrets and feelings but could also be the most honest display of his feelings; his charmingly steely manner that gave way to a much softer, gentler demeanor after some time and trust; or his bright laugh and deep, smooth voice that whispered sweet words under the cover of darkness that Tatsuya could listen to forever.

And with that thought, the conclusion had come.

Ah, this was love.

In its rawest, realest form, it was love. Tatsuya, together with Iwamoto, spent years learning how to navigate it. And since then, they spent each lifetime finding each other and learning how to love, over and over again. In this life, Tatsuya wanted to find Iwamoto and do it all once more. There could be no other way.

But what would become of Yurina if Tatsuya denied her the opportunity simply because of his own selfishness? Even if she married some other fine gentleman and lived a full life just as Tatsuya wanted her to, would she be truly happy?

Regardless of the decision he made for his sister, he knew that it would weigh heavily on his shoulders. And maybe he wouldn’t physically die this time around, but it would surely feel like he had.

⁂

Just as the name suggested, the Miyadate Manor was a grand estate well-suited for the noble residents it housed. It was much larger than Fukazawa Manor, or any other house that wasn’t the Imperial Palace, for that matter, standing at three stories with enough surrounding land to have several water features and sprawling gardens fit to entertain.

As the Fukazawa family arrived and deboarded their carriage—something Mother had been insistent on now that they were in Tokyo and had the horses available to them—, Tatsuya admired the facade of the residence.

The late Duke had been one of the first to have his family’s residence rebuilt shortly after being ennobled as the Duke, and he had been inspired by his travels in the West as a young man. If Tatsuya thought Fukazawa Manor was a gaudy home straight out of a French novel, Miyadate Manor was Versailles itself.

Stepping into the manor felt like leaving Japan—the music, the dresses and suits of guests that passed by, the food and refreshments being served exactly as they would be in the West. Tatsuya escorted Yurina to the ladies’ room, leaving her in the charge of a maid, and then went to the gentlemen’s apartments to divest himself of his outerwear. He followed Father, who returned to the ladies’ room to retrieve Mother. He called for Yurina, leading her to the ballroom once she finished preparing herself.

On entering the ballroom and Yurina receiving her dance card from the waiter, they were greeted by the Duchess herself, a show to the other guests that the Fukazawa family was one she particularly favored. Tatsuya once again felt a bit awestruck to be in front of someone who he hadn’t seen in the last years of his previous life—the Duchess had passed of old age years before Tatsuya, and even then, she had been weak and gray.

And here she was once again, strong and lively. Her black hair was neatly brushed back and hidden under a headdress of lace and ribbon, and she wore an ivory-colored silk dress that seemed to shimmer under the warm white lights as she moved, her gloved hands motioning towards the rooms where the ball was being held. Her voice was smooth and calm as she welcomed them with a gentle smile, complimenting them on their dress.

At her insistence, Tatsuya and Yurina went ahead, descending the staircase to the main floor. He found an empty seat for Yurina, and the moment she seemed comfortable, he spotted the first gentleman of the night approaching them.

“Lord Fukazawa, Lady Yurina, it’s a pleasure to see you here tonight.”

“Lord Abe.” Tatsuya couldn’t help but grin, bowing his head just as Abe did. “The pleasure is all ours.”

Yurina smiled up at Abe, greeting him quietly with a smile. “Lord Abe, I’m relieved to see you back in Japan after so long.”

The Marquess Abe was another good friend of Tatsuya’s, and if his memory served him correctly, this was Abe’s first year back in Japan after nearly six years. Unlike Tatsuya, who had little concern for learning more than was needed, Abe was well-suited for the life of a scholar, enough that he had gone to study at two different universities in Europe once he reached adulthood.

“I’m relieved to be back home.” Abe smiled warmly at her and then bowed gracefully, offering his right hand as he turned his head up to meet her gaze again. “Lady Yurina, shall I have the honor of dancing with you tonight?”

Tatsuya watched the interaction carefully, curious about Abe’s intentions. To think that upon returning from his studies, Yurina was the first lady that Abe sought a dance with—what a way to make a talking point for everyone! It left an impression, not only on Tatsuya and Yurina but on all the others who witnessed it as well.

It had only been two or three past lives in which the gentleman Yurina liked happened to be Abe, but she never once managed to marry him as his travels kept him away far too often for him to become interested in marriage, which broke her heart. Oh, how the universe remedied its mistakes, Tatsuya thought as he noted Yurina’s blushing face.

“With pleasure, my lord,” Yurina replied.

As Abe wrote his name on her dance card, Tatsuya wondered if he was now the one who was interested in her; if this was a way to secure a marriage partner for her. Tatsuya shooed the thought away. He couldn’t possibly be comfortable with Yurina marrying such a close friend. For tonight, he’d allow it since there was no option to have Yurina refuse.

Abe didn’t idle for any longer than necessary, telling Yurina he would see her momentarily and excusing himself from Tatsuya, mentioning that they should meet soon. Tatsuya nodded, hoping that he’d be able to find Abe later to talk about the details.

Once Abe disappeared into the crowd, Mother and Father showed up.

“Tatsuya, you mustn’t ignore the ladies,” Father said.

Mother nodded from her seat. “That’s right. Don’t worry about your sister or you’ll scare off all the best gentlemen.” Mother looked around the room and, after a moment, she fixed her gaze on the north wall. “You should be keen to ask The Lady Mai Iwamoto for a dance before her dance card fills up.”

Tatsuya followed Mother’s gaze, immediately spotting the young lady taking her seat across the room. He looked back at Mother and offered a closed-lip smile. “Very well.”

He excused himself from his family and carefully made his way around the room, keeping close to the walls to avoid getting mixed up with the people dancing for the first set. As he walked around, he made sure to greet others, although he didn’t come across anyone that particularly interested him enough to delay.

Once he was close enough to Lady Mai, he noticed that Lord Haruto was standing to the left of her chair; sitting to her right was their mother, the Duchess. Despite Tatsuya’s earlier determination to speak to Iwamoto, a sigh of relief escaped him on confirming his absence.

He stopped in front of the Iwamotos and bowed his head. “Your Grace, good evening,” he said first. “Good evening, Lady Mai, Lord Haruto.”

“Good evening, Lord Fukazawa,” Lord Haruto said, quickly followed by Lady Mai.

“Lord Fukazawa!” the Duchess exclaimed, clapping her gloved hands together. “What a pleasure to see you! Oh, you were in such a state at the end of last season. It is a relief to see you recovered.”

Once again, Tatsuya was unsure of what state he had been in, but he lowered his head in gratitude. “Thank you, Madam. Now that I’m fully recovered…”

He turned his attention to Lady Mai. Just as Abe did for Yurina, Tatsuya bowed once more and offered his hand. He looked up enough to meet Lady Mai’s widened eyes.

“Lady Mai, will you honor me with your hand for a dance?”

She seemed surprised, her mouth hanging open a little. The Duchess quickly elbowed her in the side, which startled her even more. Lord Haruto snickered at this, and Tatsuya had to keep from doing so as well.

“W-with pleasure, my lord.”

Lady Mai offered her dance card carefully. Tatsuya opened up the small thing, taking the pencil hanging from it. It seemed like Lady Mai was engaged for two dances already, so Tatsuya wrote his name down further down the list. He returned the card and bowed his head.

“Until then, Lady Mai,” he said.

With an excuse for the Duchess and Lord Haruto, Tatsuya let them be, finding an empty spot to stand near the wall. The sound of a trumpet signaled that the first dance was about to begin, and he looked to the floor, easily finding Yurina and Abe lining up with the other couples.

From the program, the night would begin with the Grand March. The music began, and Tatsuya kept his eyes on his sister, noticing that her mouth was moving. Mother would be embarrassed and scold her later for speaking too much during a dance, but it seemed like Abe didn’t mind it at all as he nodded along and even replied.

Too distracted with spectating, Tatsuya didn’t notice there was someone beside him until he heard them clear their throat. He turned to his left and found none other than Watanabe.

“I expected to find you already dancing,” Tatsuya remarked.

Watanabe laughed, lightly hitting Tatsuya’s arm. “I should say that about you!” After gathering himself, he sighed, turning to observe the floor as well. “I’ve barely managed to arrive. I had no time to find a partner for the first dance.”

“There will be plenty of dances to come.” Tatsuya could already see some people looking in their direction, and it certainly wasn’t because of him.

“And have you asked any lady yet?” Watanabe asked.

“Lady Mai,” Tatsuya replied. He looked at Watanabe, seeing his shocked expression. “Only upon the insistence of my mother.”

“You should be glad that Iwamoto isn’t here to chase you off.” Watanabe kept his gaze forward and lowered his voice. “Sakuma said he visited you earlier.”

Tatsuya hummed, rocking back on his heels and half-heartedly smiling at a passing acquaintance and his partner. “He mentioned not wanting to take sides any longer”—he scoffed—“as if there were sides to be taken.”

Truly, Tatsuya had no idea what had transpired between him and Iwamoto, but it was clear that it was not good yet no one knew the true feelings he had for the lord. He was curious to know, now that it had been mentioned to him twice already, three times, if the Duchess’s concern for his well-being was also related to some sort of altercation he had with her son. Had they gotten into a fight? And if so, what was the reason? It would be odd to ask anyone to be reminded, so the only option Tatsuya had was to ask Iwamoto himself.

“You’re right,” Watanabe replied after a moment. “There shouldn’t be.”

On the floor, the Grand March was coming to an end. Tatsuya watched as Abe bowed to Yurina and offered his arm, leading her back to her seat by Mother. Beside them were Watanabe’s own mother and sister.

“Whatever happens between Iwamoto and I is something we will take care of.” Tatsuya felt his fingernails dig into the palm of his hands as he curled them into fists. “Surely, we can resolve our issues like men and not involve any mutual friends. My apologies if we’ve made it difficult.”

Watanabe chuckled. “Difficult, yes, but also very entertaining.”

Tatsuya smiled, not moving his attention from where his and Watanabe’s families were sitting. “It’s a pleasure to provide a show.” He nudged Watanabe in the side and raised his chin in the direction he was looking, his smile widening as Watanabe realized what was happening. “Now that Abe is back, he seems eager to dance with every eligible sister we may have. Who knows what he learned in London?”

“Excuse me,” Watanabe said quickly, breaking his stance and hurriedly moving back to where his mother and sister sat, even though it was too late to guard the young lady from Abe’s request for a dance. He turned briefly, a wide grin on his face. “We’ll meet another time.”

The second dance—a fast-paced polka—began, and the quick, short movements of the dancers caught Tatsuya’s attention for a couple of seconds. It would still be a while before he had to dance with Lady Mai, and if he lingered around and did not ask any other lady to dance in the meantime, Mother would definitely become cross with him, so he had to take advantage of such liveliness.

As the rest of the guests in the ballroom focused on their own conversations or on the dance, Tatsuya quietly and carefully left the room, knowing that the Miyadate Manor had various other rooms for entertaining during their balls.

It was not late enough that he could indulge in supper, so he made his way to the game room where the gentlemen would be. He entered quietly, picking up a drink from a waiter’s tray, and stayed to the side. Unlike the ballroom that was illuminated with a grandiose chandelier, the game room was dimly lit with only a few sconces on the wall, and it was further blanketed with a haze from the smoke of cigarettes.

Lifting the lip of the glass to his lip, he observed the room’s occupants.

The room was filled with mostly graying older gentlemen that made up the House, leaving their wives to dance freely with the bachelors or chaperon their children; the few men Tatsuya’s age were also married. He wasn’t closely acquainted with anyone, so he kept to the side until he found a free armchair in front of the fireplace. No one turned to greet him, and he was fine with that.

He continued to nurse his glass of whisky, staring into the fireplace.

The flickering red and orange flames were entrancing, doing their own quick dance over the wooden logs and ash. It reminded Tatsuya too much of his previous life and the night terrors that had followed him into this one. A flaming house—the Fukazawa House—that had slowly fallen apart around him as he bled, becoming weaker and weaker until everything finally collapsed, the red and orange blaze moving to dance over him.

It was horrific to have to live with the memories of each and every death he had lived through, and to dream of it every night was nothing short of traumatizing. It would be months, or possibly years, before he managed to put this one behind him like he had for the death before that, but he would never forget it.

“Damnation,” Tatsuya cursed under his breath.

He needed some air.

He set aside his empty glass and stood up, prepared to sit at a table and waste some money until it was time to return to Lady Mai. He had risen and turned so suddenly, the person approaching him was taken aback.

“Oh, Lord Fukazawa.”

The voice was low and his name had been said slowly, with absolutely no enthusiasm and only the hint of a question. There was no denying who it was, and the man’s identity was confirmed when Tatsuya looked up and met his dark eyes. He was close, almost too close for it to be comfortable.

“Lord Iwamoto,” Tatsuya breathed out. “Good evening.”

“You’ve asked my sister to dance,” Iwamoto stated, and Tatsuya felt the warmth of his breath fan across his face. “It’s a very bold move to make, all things considered.”

Iwamoto seemed to lean in closer, but Tatsuya couldn’t be sure that he had. He turned his head to the side, turning his gaze down to the hideous rug that had been picked out for the game room, and swallowed down, hoping that the nerves he felt didn’t come off of him in waves. Iwamoto would be quick to notice and take advantage of his uneasiness.

“A quadrille hardly qualifies as dancing with only Lady Mai,” Tatsuya said.

“I suppose you would not be opposed if I asked Lady Yurina to be my partner for the same quadrille then.”

Even though he knew he shouldn’t, Tatsuya turned back, ready to protest; in doing so, he realized that Iwamoto had leaned in, much more than he expected. They were nearly nose to nose, and when Tatsuya stumbled backwards in his surprise and tripped over a bump in the ugly rug, he instinctively reached out to grab onto Iwamoto’s arms and closed his eyes, tucking his chin down until it pressed against his clavicle. He was prepared to be pushed off and fall on his behind, but it never came.

Iwamoto had quickly wrapped a strong arm around him, pulling him close. He could feel the warmth of his large hand against the center of his lower back.

“From your reaction, I take it that you would be,” Iwamoto commented.

Tatsuya opened his eyes and found himself looking up at Iwamoto, his warm face illuminated orange by the fire. His dark, straight eyebrows were drawn together in concern, and his eyes wandered over Tatsuya’s face.

With a softer tone, Iwamoto whispered, “Are you all right?”

It reminded Tatsuya of the past—a past that he had lived through but had never happened to him in this life.

There had been moments of nights spent in front of the fireplace at Iwamoto Manor, tangled in each other’s embrace; moments of words of adoration carefully traced onto bare backs; moments of giving voice to those words in the same soft whisper Iwamoto had spoken in just now, and they all came rushing back to Tatsuya. It made him painfully aware that while this moment meant something to Tatsuya, it was nothing to Iwamoto. He had to remind himself that this Iwamoto was not his—at least not yet—and that as familiar as it was to be in his arms, it was out of place.

Tatsuya wondered if he looked just as lost as he felt.

Iwamoto opened his mouth, but Tatsuya spoke before he could say anything.

“Iwamoto, I—”

His voice came out scratchy, so he cleared his throat, also realizing that they were still in such a close position. He finally loosened his grip on Iwamoto, standing up straight and letting the lord’s hand fall off his back. He took a step back and looked around the room, but no one had paid them any close attention.

Unlike the ladies, gentlemen cared little for formulating any remarks, especially when their focus could be put to better use on their betting games. Besides, they were two men. Would anyone consider it to be anything? Even if Tatsuya wanted it to be…

“Apologies.” Tatsuya straightened the front of his jacket and smoothed down his vest. “I cannot stop you from asking my sister for her hand in a dance, just as you cannot stop me. I am not opposed, and you’ll find that my sister, or my mother, for that matter, isn’t either.”

“Fukazawa,” Iwamoto said, his hand reaching out.

Tatsuya looked at it for a moment, wondering what it could mean. Was Iwamoto trying to stop him from making an issue in front of everyone?

If that’s what Iwamoto wanted, Tatsuya would behave and be good. He had to anyway, at least until he found out the truth behind him and Iwamoto in this life, but tonight did not seem like the time or place to try and have a private conversation with him. He was much too rattled to gather up his courage to ask for a moment alone. It wouldn’t be good to get mixed up with Iwamoto and confuse what was reality and what was Tatsuya’s memories—he barely saved himself now, so tempted to pull Iwamoto closer.

“I should go,” Tatsuya said, clasping his hands behind his back. “I simply came to enjoy a drink, and now that I’ve had it, I shall return to the ballroom.”

As he walked past Iwamoto, their shoulders brushing, he swore that he saw him clench his jaw and scoff, his sarcastic and low chuckle drowned out by the sudden yelling of the gentlemen at the gaming tables. Tatsuya would let it be and move on. It would do him no good to confront anyone now.

Once he was outside of the game room, he leaned against the wall and exhaled, long and slow. He placed his hand across his chest, taking a few more deep breaths, and only when he felt calm did he make his way back to the ballroom.

⁂

Like the rest of the Iwamoto family, Lady Mai was a wonderful dancer. At the time of his return to the ballroom, she was engaged in a dance with another gentleman, the two of them moving fast yet gracefully to the upbeat song the orchestra played. Tatsuya wandered around a bit, finding himself a sweet refreshment that would help rid his mouth of the whisky taste, and part way through the song, he happened upon the master of the house.

“Your Grace,” Tatsuya greeted as the conversation he had dwindled down, grabbing his attention.

“Fukazawa.” Miyadate bowed his head politely, his smooth voice and cordial tone pleasant to Tatsuya’s ear. “Thank you for joining us tonight.”

Miyadate had only been duke for a little over two years, having inherited the title after the passing of his father, but becoming a duke had changed him little, for he had always had a gracious and calm air to him even in youth. Still, he was much younger than many peers and his rather extraordinary personality proved it. As adolescents, Tatsuya had looked over the duke in almost a brotherly fashion, and it was hard to remove that image of a young boy from his head upon seeing the duke now.

“It has been most entertaining,” Tatsuya commended.

Miyadate nodded in agreement. He planted himself beside Tatsuya, holding his hands behind his back as he watched the dance with rapt attention. After a moment, he hummed. “Entertaining, yes, but the Duchess is still rather displeased. There are plenty of wallflowers tonight, you see.”

Looking around the room, Tatsuya spotted some ladies hiding behind their fans and no sign of any gentlemen approaching them. “Isn’t it the duty of the master of the house to see that they dance?”

“I’ve signed my own name on at least a dozen dance cards tonight, but it’s impossible to attend to every lady when there are only so many dances,” Miyadate replied primly. “I am sure that these ladies would be delighted to share a dance with a handsome gentleman besides myself. Perhaps you can ask a few ladies.”

He elbowed Miyadate’s side. “You’re slowly getting better at getting others to do what you ask.”

Miyadate pulled his plush bottom lip in between his teeth to keep from smiling. “It’s a must if one is to survive in the House of Peers,” he said once he composed himself. He dusted off the front of his vest and then gave Tatsuya a determined look. “Please, Fukka.”

Tatsuya closed his eyes and nodded, pursing his lips. “I will find myself the most reclusive lady and ensure she has the best dance of her life.”

“Thank you.” Miyadate smiled fully this time, one corner of his lips a bit higher than the other. “You’ll surely be the Duchess’s favorite after tonight.”

Miyadate was quickly taken aside by another gentleman, the two of them retreating to a more secluded part of the room, and Tatsuya returned his attention to the dance floor, watching as the couples’ movements slowed and the song came to a close. It would be too hasty to ask a lady for the next dance, so he dawdled for a while, looking around the room to find who he might ask for the dance that followed, his eyes quickly landing on the eldest daughter of an unimportant viscount.

It was perhaps two or three dances, all back-to-back, that Tatsuya participated in, each with a different lady that seemed to have been waiting around for a gentleman to approach. None of the ladies were ones he knew particularly well, but he made sure that he held their previous acquaintance to avoid unnecessary introductions from their fathers, brothers, or the floor managers. They had seemed pleased with his request to dance and wore brighter smiles upon being reconducted to their seats, bowing graciously as Tatsuya thanked them for the honor.

When it was time for the fourth quadrille of the night, Tatsuya finally escorted Lady Mai to the dance floor, taking their positions across from Watanabe, who was paired up with the youngest daughter of a marquess. It took a moment for the third couple to appear, and it was Sakuma, accompanied by a young lady whom Tatsuya did not recognize.

“Fukka,” Sakuma said, nodding in his direction. He turned to look at Watanabe. “Shota.”

“Sakuma, you forget yourself,” Tatsuya scolded with a disapproving click of his tongue.

Beside him, Lady Mai snickered behind her fan. “Lord Sakuma, it’s a pleasure,” she said to him. “You’ve been very enthusiastic tonight”—she turned to look at Tatsuya, raising her eyebrows—“and after that much activity, it would be easy to forget oneself.”

Sakuma smiled, obviously pleased to have Lady Mai on his side. “Lady Mai, I—oh, Hikaru!”

Tatsuya turned his attention to the right, finding the final couple for their formation: Iwamoto and Yurina. He took a deep breath, biting the inside of his cheek.

“You forget yourself, Sakuma,” Iwamoto commented plainly. “Must you be so improper in front of the ladies?”

“Oh,” Watanabe exclaimed softly. “Fukka just said that.”

Iwamoto, whether he had or not, seemed to just notice that Tatsuya was there. “Fukazawa,” he said calmly. His attention briefly moved to Lady Mai for a moment before returning to him. “I took your advice, as you can see.”

“Has a mistake been made that two sets of siblings are in this formation?” Sakuma asked before Tatsuya could give Iwamoto a response.

“In this formation, we shall not even brush against each other once,” Yurina said matter-of-factly. “The floor manager ensured it.”

It was true that Tatsuya would not even take Yurina’s hand or Iwamoto Lady Mai’s, but that was the least of his worries. The thought at the forefront of his mind was that, in one of the five figures for the quadrille, he was required to hold onto Iwamoto himself, not once but twice.

Thankfully, the sound of the trumpet warned them that the music was about to begin, and they took their positions. At the first sound of the orchestra, Tatsuya turned to Lady Mai and bowed as she curtsied, and then the two of them faced the inside of the square they’d formed, bowing at the other couples. It only took a moment, and then Tatsuya took Lady Mai’s hand in one of his and placed his other hand on her back gently.

They galloped around the square, their small jumps perfectly in time with the rhythm of the music. Tatsuya was not so coordinated that he was able to speak as he danced, but Lady Mai, ever so elegant and talented, was able to without wasting her breath.

“I apologize for my brother,” she said, catching him by surprise. “He’s the one who forgets himself, especially when you’re involved, my lord.”

He was unable to respond as they reached their starting position and had to part as they crossed the square, passing outside of Watanabe and his partner. As he took her hand on the other side and they turned, he said, “There’s no need to apologize on behalf of a brute like your brother.”

She raised her free hand to hide her laugh. “My lord, you’ll find that he’s much more sensitive than he pretends to be.”

Tatsuya bit his tongue, letting her go so they could pass by Watanabe once more. “I’ve more insight into the type of person your brother is, more than you might believe,” he said once they joined again.

Her eyes narrowed, unconvinced. “Since when?”

He pulled her close once more, careful not to press his hand against her back more than necessary, and she squeezed his bicep, as if urging him to answer. “Since you were an infant.”—he tilted his head to the side a little, pursing his lips—“I suppose you wouldn’t recall such a time.”

Lady Mai said nothing as they galloped around the square once more and repeated the half right and left, but she seemed to be thinking. Of course, the small smile never left her face, and Tatsuya kept his own expression composed in the case that Mother was watching, or, even worse, Iwamoto. As he’d been caught in the conversation with Lady Mai, he hadn’t thought to look over and see how Iwamoto was faring with Yurina.

The first figure came to an end, and Tatsuya released Lady Mai, but before he could glance over, she cleared her throat. The music for the second figure began, and Tatsuya had to turn back, resuming the position for the gallop.

“It’s true I wouldn’t recall such a time, but I am still unable to think of any moment where you and my brother seemed particularly close,” Lady Mai murmured. “Were you close at Peers School?”

Lady Mai let go of Tatsuya, moving to the center of the square to circle around with the ladies. As she reached the other side, Watanabe caught her waiting hand, and Tatsuya clasped the hand of his partner, turning with her before letting go back to the circle in the center for the ladies chain.

Lady Mai returned from the ladies chain and took Tatsuya’s hand. “So?”

“He’s a year younger than me. Your brother and I shared no classes,” Tatsuya responded easily. Truthfully, he couldn’t comment on something he wasn’t sure happened. Sure, Tatsuya and Iwamoto were previously close, but he couldn’t be certain about it in this life. “Still, we shared mutual friends and acquaintances, so we saw each other often. Does that answer satisfy you?”

She laughed quietly once more, ducking her head so he couldn’t see. “For now,” she answered. “I shall make sure to confirm the facts with him later on.”

“Anyone from our classes would tell you the same,” Tatsuya said, fully confident that this statement was vague enough that Iwamoto himself wouldn’t disagree.

They quietly finished the gallop around the square, and this time, it was Tatsuya’s turn to move to the center.

“Speak of the devil,” he said to Lady Mai as he let her go.

Tatsuya placed his left hand in the center with the rest of the gentlemen. He felt the warmth of Watanabe and Sakuma’s hands over his, but he was most aware of Iwamoto’s, even through their gloves. More than that, Watanabe and Sakuma simply had their hands placed over top; Iwamoto had properly grasped Tatsuya’s hand upon reaching out.

As their hands joined, Iwamoto cleared his throat. “Fukazawa, you think your acquaintance with my sister is enough to be so flirtatious in front of others?”

At this, Tatsuya nearly sputtered. Iwamoto had been watching closely enough, despite the constant turns the dance required, that he had seen him speaking with Lady Mai. “I’ve been rakish, but even I have some sense and respect, especially for a lady such as Lady Mai.”

“Hikaru,” Sakuma warned at the same time that Watanabe scolded, “Fukka, that’s enough.”

The gentlemen’s chain split, and Tatsuya took the offered hand of Watanabe’s partner, smiling at her for a second before turning his focus to Iwamoto, who was already watching him with narrowed eyes. Unlike his sister’s, Iwamoto’s gaze was much more impassioned. For as long as Tatsuya could remember, Iwamoto had been that way, but it only meant that he was comfortable enough with him that he could show his displeasure so openly. Something about it pleased Tatsuya.

Returning to the gentlemen’s chain, Iwamoto grabbed Tatsuya’s hand tighter. “Don’t wear such a smug face,” he warned.

“I’m smug, but not for the reasons you believe me to be. And even if I was, could you bring yourself to wipe it off my face with your own hands?” Tatsuya quipped.

Iwamoto looked about ready to stop the dance and grab Tatsuya by the collar. “Fukazawa, if you—”

“Oi,” Watanabe admonished.

Sakuma clicked his tongue and subtly shook his head. “Shota, don’t get involved,” he said, maintaining a smile on his face.

They were able to say no more as they returned to their partners. Lady Mai seemed to have seen it all, because the moment she and Tatsuya resumed their position, she patted his bicep to get his attention.

“Did he accost you, my lord?”

“He is simply a brother who is looking after his only dear sister,” he replied. He made sure to smile at her reassuringly. “It’s not beyond what I can handle, Lady Mai, so I hope you won’t concern yourself with confronting him.”

“Very well,” Lady Mai agreed.

The hardest part was finished, Tatsuya thought. All he had to do was finish the dance, and then he could retire to the game room for the rest of the night.

⁂

After returning from supper, Father retired to the game room, leaving Tatsuya to look over Yurina and Mother. Unfortunately, Yurina had ripped her dress at the end of the dance following the intermission and had to be accompanied by Mother to the ladies’ room to fix it. Tatsuya was unable to leave the ballroom as he wanted to, the Duchess of Miyadate coming around to ask that he dance with a lady to complete a set.

Following the set, he was once again approached by a Miyadate—this time, the duke.

“Fukazawa, you cannot leave,” Miyadate said firmly. “A number of ladies have left and there is not enough to complete the set. You have to dance.”

Tatsuya snorted, waving him off. “If there are not enough ladies, who shall I dance with then?”

Miyadate didn’t hesitate to answer. “With Iwamoto. We’ll make an exception just this once.”

“I can’t,” he said, shaking his head and waving his hands in front of him. He took a step back, but Miyadate only followed. “Your Grace, it wouldn’t be proper.”

“Iwamoto has already agreed. The dance is to start in a few short moments.”

Tatsuya couldn’t refuse the master of the house, and Miyadate knew as much. “I’ll find him,” he said.

Miyadate nodded, a small smile on his face as he walked away, and Tatsuya sighed. It couldn’t be possible that he would get stuck alone in the ballroom and then be made to dance with Iwamoto. It was true that they’d danced together before, and it had been more than enjoyable, but those dances had been in the privacy of their own homes, away from judging eyes and moving lips—those dances had also been from previous lives. Iwamoto didn’t seem to hold Tatsuya in high regard, so why did he agree in the first place? Better yet, why had Miyadate asked him to be Iwamoto’s partner, out of all the other eligible men in the room?

In any case, Tatsuya needed to behave and say as little as possible while they danced. If he wasn’t careful, Iwamoto would really grab him by the collar this time, and neither Watanabe nor Sakuma would be there to save him.

Tatsuya found Iwamoto waiting alone not far from where he was standing. He stood beside him silently, holding his hands behind his back. Iwamoto glanced over at him but remained silent. Then, at the sound that called them to the floor, Iwamoto offered his hand.

“Fukazawa, take it,” he said when Tatsuya didn’t grab it.

After a moment of hesitance, he placed his hand over Iwamoto’s open palm, hoping that it wouldn’t be like earlier. Unfortunately, Iwamoto followed the rules of dancing etiquette very strictly and grasped Tatsuya’s hand securely, closing his fingers around it.

“It’s a waltz,” Iwamoto informed him, as they reached the floor.

They took the final spot in the line, Tatsuya realizing that he was standing behind a young lady. “Why must I take the place of the lady?” he asked, feeling himself frown.

“Because I’m going to lead,” Iwamoto said.

He turned away from Iwamoto, huffing as he resigned himself to the position he was told to take.

As Iwamoto dusted off his front, he heard him say, “You never liked waltzes.”

“How would he know that?” Tatsuya muttered to himself.

In every life, Tatsuya knew himself to avoid the waltz at any public or private ball. Even in impromptu dances, he had never danced the waltz. He wasn’t a lousy dancer—he could keep up with the most complicated quadrille or the most cheerful polka thanks to the lessons from the strict English dance tutor his parents had employed when he and Yurina were children—, but he simply couldn’t stand a waltz.

But even if it was obvious that he never participated in sets that contained a waltz, he’d never expressed his distaste for them explicitly, and he knew he wouldn’t have started to in this life, so how Iwamoto would know such a thing, Tatsuya had no idea. Perhaps they did know each other more than he was led to believe.

As the music started, low and slow, Iwamoto bowed. Tatsuya bowed back, and he swore that he saw Iwamoto smile.

“Shouldn’t you be curtsying?” Iwamoto asked as he took Tatsuya’s hand again.

Iwamoto turned to him, gently placing a hand on his back; Tatsuya rested his own hand on Iwamoto’s arm, feeling the firm muscles underneath his clothes. It was much different than it had been earlier in the game room, but it made Tatsuya feel all the same things, and he had to look away.

“I may dance in the place of a lady, but by no means am I one,” he replied curtly. “A bow is more than enough.”

They turned and turned in time with the music, and as graceful as it was, it wasn’t as beautiful as any other couple. With two men dancing, they didn’t have a large skirt that swooshed at their feet and added dramatic flare to each spin. It was, once again, out of place.

“Tell me, Fukazawa,” Iwamoto started, spinning Tatsuya around before pulling him close again, “are you truly interested in my sister?”

“I cannot see myself married to her,” he answered honestly.

“Is that an insult to her and my family?”

Tatsuya huffed out of a laugh and pinched Iwamoto’s arm. “Lady Mai is lovely, and it would be an honor to have her as a wife, but I am not yet in search of a marriage partner.”

Iwamoto leaned in close, almost enough that his lips brushed against Tatsuya’s temple when he whispered, “I would have liked to believe you when you said that you’d left your rakish behavior in the past.”

“If I were a lady, I’d accuse you of being the flirt here, Iwamoto,” Tatsuya said, not changing the volume of his voice. He cleared his throat to continue, “I’ve no interest in marrying or carrying on secret romances.”

“Is that so?”

Iwamoto made no move to move away, and he was only forced to when he had to spin Tatsuya around once more. Tatsuya huffed when his body collided with Iwamoto’s, and when he looked up at that moment, he found Iwamoto looking down at him curiously. The short second that the pressing of their bodies was supposed to take felt like an entire minute and Tatsuya could only breathe when they were back in the closed facing position, the space between them enough more than a hand’s length.

“What constitutes a secret romance to you?”

“A secret romance is exactly as it sounds,” Tatsuya said plainly. “It’s something…”

You and I once had. He couldn’t possibly say that to Iwamoto.

“I understand well enough,” Iwamoto said after a while. “I don’t care what you do, Fukazawa, as long as it does not involve my family.”

“You should know that it was only upon my mother’s suggestion that I asked Lady Mai. It would have been rude to refuse.”

Iwamoto shook his head, laughing dryly. “It’s not that,” he said. “Fukazawa, you speak of secret romances and yet…”

Something had definitely happened, Tatsuya thought, and it was clear that Iwamoto would not let himself say it out loud. Tatsuya would have to look into it before he came across him again, and maybe he could apologize for whatever he had done. Could it be that Tatsuya hadn’t done anything and he was already in a secret romance with Iwamoto himself? That would make little sense, given how Iwamoto had not let down his brutish demeanor towards Tatsuya all evening—he wasn’t someone who’d act cold towards a romantic partner, publicly or privately—, but maybe they had ended things on bad terms.

“It’d be best to end the conversation here,” Tatsuya said.

The rest of the dance went smoothly, but Tatsuya felt the awkwardness between him and Iwamoto. In the silence, Tatsuya considered the possibility of having ended things with Iwamoto in this life already. Was the soul that had lived in this body for twenty-nine years so senseless as to have committed such a foolish mistake?

Whatever the case, Tatsuya needed to fix it before the damage became irreversible.

The song came to a close, and Iwamoto silently bowed at Tatsuya, dropping his hand and retreating back to where his family was. It wasn’t necessary for Iwamoto to reconduct Tatsuya, but he could’ve at least asked.

“Tatsuya,” he heard Mother’s voice call.

He turned and found her standing alone. Quickly, he crossed the space between them and offered her his arm. “Mother, where is Yurina?”

“She’s in tears. Her dress seems to be irreparable,” Mother said, shaking her head. “We’re going home. It’s late enough.”

“Very well.”

As they left the ballroom, Tatsuya looked over his shoulder. Sure enough, Iwamoto was looking at him with a piercing gaze.

⁂

The respectable thing for any guest invited to a ball was to pay their hostess a visit not long after the ball. The Duchess kindly accepted the request from Mother, and one week after the ball, Tatsuya accompanied her to Miyadate Manor, this time dressed in their daywear. Yurina had been taken up with previous engagements, and the session for parliament had officially begun, so Father was away at the National Diet Building. The Duchess had not minded the absence of two family members, welcoming Mother and Tatsuya warmly.

Unfortunately, because Miyadate was also in the House of Peers, Tatsuya was made to sit in the drawing room with the ladies. There were other ladies that had come to show their appreciation to the Duchess as well, and as a group, they were quick to jump into conversation about all sorts of things. Tatsuya could only look outside the window, admiring the sprawling lawn that was slowly returning to its bright green color, and drink his tea quietly.

He cared little for most of what the ladies talked about—clothes, hair, the weather, and their children—but he did perk his ears up in certain parts. Apparently, the Duchess had found the daughter of a baron wandering the gardens alone with the son of a count, meaning Tatsuya probably knew who it was. They mentioned no names, but they all seemed to have an understanding of who the people in question were, and it made him curious as to how they had learned to communicate so efficiently without saying all the details.

There were also mentions of other happenings from the ball: which ladies ripped their dresses (Yurina included), a commotion that had happened at supper shortly after Tatsuya and his family had left, the unfortunate missteps of inept dancers, and the interesting couples that had paired up, especially those that danced more than once or were rejected.

“To believe that same young lady refused Lord Watanabe’s request to dance and then accepted another for the same dance!” a woman exclaimed.

Mother shook her head in disapproval. “Lord Watanabe is a very fine gentleman, and his family is reputable. To think she’d have the nerve to humiliate him so boldly in front of everyone.”

Tatsuya hadn’t been there when it happened, but he had heard it from Yurina and Mother the morning after the ball during breakfast. They always divulged everything they witnessed with their keen eyes, and this had been the most shocking event of the night. Tatsuya had assured them more than once that Watanabe’s pride was not so easily damaged by rejection, but seeing as Watanabe was a good friend to Tatsuya, they’d still taken the offense on his behalf.

“It is unfortunate,” the Duchess lamented, “how some people lack proper etiquette.”

“It is what happens when you hand a title to just anyone,” another lady criticized.

They laughed together, as if it was the funniest thing in the world, and Tatsuya had to tune them out, feeling himself becoming more bothered by the sound.

After some time, the door to the room opened and a maid came in to inform the Duchess of another guest. It was Iwamoto and his mother. There was a minute of greetings and making sure the Duchess of Iwamoto was comfortable in her seat. Iwamoto idled by the door, his hands behind his back.

Tatsuya set aside his tea cup and stood, quietly excusing himself from the ladies before walking up to take a spot on Iwamoto’s left.

“Iwamoto, good afternoon.”

“Fukazawa, were you also dragged here against your will?” Iwamoto asked.

Tatsuya felt him look over, but he kept his gaze straight ahead, continuing to admire the outdoors. “It’s only proper to pay the Duchess a visit,” he replied, chuckling.

He very much had been dragged here by Mother, but he’d never admit that when she was in the room. Finally, he looked up at Iwamoto, curious. Iwamoto’s expression was impassive, and his eyes were guarded.

Clearing his throat, Tatsuya asked, “If you were dragged here against your will, why not allow Lord Haruto to escort the Duchess?”

“My sister is in his charge, much to their displeasure,” he answered. One corner of his lips twitched up. “Little do they know, I’ve saved them both from sitting in this tiresome room.”

“Oh, but you’ve missed the best parts of the conversation, Iwamoto,” Tatsuya joked, smiling to himself. He scuffed the toe of his shoe on the parquet, sighing. “Not even Miyadate is here to entertain us. Would it be wrong if we snuck into the game room anyway?”

“Wrong, yes,” Iwamoto agreed, “but far better than listening to a lady complain about her children.”

Carefully, the two of them exited the room, excusing themselves from the house staff that were waiting outside the room. They fell in step as they moved down the hall, their footsteps muted by the thick carpet that ran down the center.

Miyadate Manor was much more imposing than Fukazawa Manor in the daytime, with even larger windows and heavier curtains. The halls were neatly adorned with fresh flowers, landscape paintings, and grand lighting fixtures. Yet it was familiar to Tatsuya, as it had been a place he’d been to often growing up. He knew the manor just as well as he knew his own home, and he and Iwamoto were able to take the easiest way up to the game room without being spotted by too many maids or footmen that were running around.

They were silent as they moved and only let out a collective breath of relief once the game room’s door was closed behind them. The game room seemed much larger when the curtains were drawn and the sunlight poured in, but moving further into the room, Tatsuya felt as though it was closing in on him, forcing him to be with Iwamoto.

He stood by the window, looking out and wondering when Mother would finish so they could go home. Although he had taken advantage of the opportunity that had presented itself, Tatsuya was suddenly anxious about being with Iwamoto alone.

“Fukazawa, I must confess something,” Iwamoto said suddenly.

Tatsuya turned around, looking down at Iwamoto, who sat in one of the chairs facing the fireplace—the same chair Tatsuya had occupied at the ball. His back was to Tatsuya, displaying his broad shoulders that rose and fell as he sighed.

“Yes?” Tatsuya asked, stepping closer.

“I am not opposed if you seek the hand of my sister,” Iwamoto admitted dryly, “as long as you’ve ended what you had.”

“I’m not sure I understand.”

Was there something that Tatsuya had with someone else? He’d never been interested in anyone else, as he’d always been firm in his feelings towards Iwamoto in every life, and he wasn’t able to think of any person who he might start a romance with. There’d been no evidence in the correspondence he kept or the balances he paid; and no one in particular had seemed to be especially flirtatious with him since arriving in Tokyo. Fukazawa Manor had no visitors apart from some close friends, none of whom were or had children that were Tatsuya’s age or seemed to be overly familiar.

Iwamoto stood from the chair and rounded it, moving to stand in front of Tatsuya. He pressed a finger to the center of his chest.

“You spoke of not having a desire to carry on a secret romance, which I take to mean that you’ve ended the one you had last season.”

So it was true. Damnation.

Tatsuya would not be able to pull himself out of this so easily. He knew nothing of a secret romance he might’ve had last season, but he couldn’t deny it if he hadn’t broken it off properly, and he also couldn’t confirm it if he had no clue who it was with in the first place.

“I already told you,” Tatsuya started, “that I have no interest in marrying. If Lady Mai so deeply misinterpreted my request for a dance”—he bowed his head—“the shame is on me.”

“So you haven’t.”

“Iwamoto, any secret romance I may have, and whether I’ve ended it or not, does not concern you.”

Iwamoto looked bewildered, his eyes wide and his mouth agape. “Are you serious?”

“Yes, I’m—”

Suddenly, Iwamoto pressed both his hands against Tatsuya’s chest and pushed him back harshly. Tatsuya stumbled backwards and fell, barely saving himself from hitting the back of his head against the floor.

He clutched his chest, trying to catch his breath after it was knocked out of him upon hitting the ground. He was heaving, his chest rising and falling deeply, and he felt a knot form in his throat. Iwamoto took a step closer, looking down on him with disdain in his eyes.

“Fukazawa, you disappoint me,” Iwamoto whispered, his voice full of hurt.

Tatsuya was baffled by Iwamoto’s actions and words.

“Hikaru,” he breathed out, desperate for Iwamoto to stay and explain, and then he wheezed, having to turn over to cough. “Wait.”

“You don’t get to call me that anymore.” Iwamoto sounded resigned now. “If you see Meguro, tell him it’s over.”

Tatsuya heard Iwamoto’s footsteps move further away, and then the door opened. It closed with a thud, and he was left on the ground, trying to compose himself. Now that a minute had passed, he felt a throbbing in his left ankle and on his chest where Iwamoto had placed his hands. Not only that, but there was a different kind of ache in his chest, one that he knew would not go away so easily.

It was a while before Tatsuya was able to pull himself up off the ground. As he placed his weight down on his left foot, he felt a sharp pain shoot up his leg, and he determined that he had sprained his ankle at the very least. It wasn’t unbearable to walk on, but it did give him a bit of a limp as he trudged out of the room and made his way back down to the ground floor, finding the ladies leaving the drawing room.

“Oh, Tatsuya, what happened to you?” Mother asked upon seeing him outside in front of the portico.

Not far from them, Iwamoto was standing with his mother. Tatsuya looked at him from the corner of his eyes, noting that he was staring, and then returned his attention to Mother, smiling at her through the pain.

“I tripped in the hall,” he said. “It’s nothing that some rest won’t fix, Mother.”

Tatsuya let himself be doted on by her once they were in the carriage, and once they were on their way home, he spared no glance back to Miyadate Manor.

⁂

It was a long three weeks of rest for Tatsuya.

Once he and Mother had returned from their visit to Miyadate Manor, she had the physician come and check on him, and it was confirmed that he had sprained his ankle. It wasn’t extremely severe, but he did need a few weeks where he kept himself off his feet unless absolutely necessary. He wouldn’t have minded much, but he was practically bound to his bedroom, drawing room, and dining room. There were some visitors that came—ladies who Mother was close to—but they didn’t come for him and he hadn’t received them, leaving it to Mother and Yurina.

However, Watanabe, Sakuma, and even Abe had come to see him specifically a few times, and he entertained them in the second drawing room. Since Tatsuya was unable to leave the manor to attend the few balls that the Fukazawas had been invited to, his friends were able to recount the happenings for him from their points of view, which provided a relief from the way Mother and Yurina tended to describe things. It was nothing out of the ordinary, at least until the start of March, when the topic of conversation turned to a new arrival.

“Meguro has arrived in Tokyo,” Watanabe informed him.

“Ah, Ren is here?” Sakuma asked.

Watanabe shot him a biting look at the use of Meguro’s given name. “Have you ever referred to Meguro as such?” he asked incredulously. “It’s one thing to use mine, but Meguro?”

Sakuma pouted. “Of course!” he said loudly. “Ren has been Ren since I first met him.”

“Isn’t that a bit too improper of you, Sakuma?”

“Nabe,” Tatsuya whispered, getting Watanabe’s attention. He waved his hand, a silent ask for him to let it go this time.

Watanabe dropped the issue without another word. “Anyway, Meguro will likely be the center of attention at your mother’s ball,” he said to Tatsuya. “It’s surely going to be crowded.”

“Had Mother known Meguro would arrive in Tokyo right before her ball, she would’ve had his name printed directly on the invitations”—Tatsuya made a show with his hands, slowly spreading them out in front of him as if he were looking at a billboard—“‘Back in Tokyo, The Marquess Meguro’. Now that would ensure every family’s attendance.”

Watanabe laughed, hiding his mouth behind his hand. “You know that he gets embarrassed by things like that!”

Tatsuya shrugged. “I suppose even the most handsome of gentlemen had his faults.”

The Marquess Meguro hadn’t grown up with any of them, but they were still familiar with him. He was a handful of years younger, closer to the age of Watanabe’s sister, but he had always been part of a noble family, even before the aristocracy had been formed in the restoration. Like Miyadate, his family was one of the first to be ennobled because of their lineage, and he had been graced with the title of marquess at a young age, shortly after his father was promoted to duke. With his family history, he had much more land, wealth, and power than Watanabe, Sakuma, and Tatsuya combined, but it wasn’t his riches that made him attractive.

Meguro was a handsome young man without a doubt. He was charming in his outward appearance—taller than the average man with sharp but not overly strong edges; dark long hair that was always neatly styled; big and bright kind eyes that were only hardened by his thick, dark straight eyebrows; and long limbs that somehow gave off an aura of elegance and not clumsiness. His personality was like that of a small animal—bashful, simple, and very endearing. He also laughed and smiled easily, which subdued his otherwise serious exterior.

As far as Tatsuya could recall, the moment Meguro came of age, he became one of the most sought after bachelors in Tokyo, and every mother wanted to get their hands on him for their lovely daughters. The only other person comparable to Meguro was Iwamoto.

“If Ren shows his face, Hikaru is sure not to come,” Sakuma said after a while.

Tatsuya hummed. “You think?”

He had yet to find out why Iwamoto mentioned Meguro to him at the Miyadate Manor, though it seemed that the issue was known between their close friends. Watanabe made no comment about it, quickly changing the conversation to something his sister had said. Tatsuya engaged in it half-heartedly and the afternoon continued calmly without any other mention of Iwamoto or Meguro.

It was still a few more weeks before the Fukazawas were to host their ball, and they passed by quickly. Slowly but surely, Tatsuya was well enough to be able to walk around, and he wasted no time in finding ways to leave the manor. He helped Mother in her preparations with her committee, and when he wasn’t with her and Yurina, he kept to his room, playing card games alone.

On the odd occasion, he went to the gentlemen’s club, finding his friends and other acquaintances to play games and drink with, but neither Iwamoto nor Meguro were ever present. However, both of them did like their privacy more than the average gentleman, so it was not too unusual not to see them around, especially when they both had younger brothers who could accompany their mothers when needed.

Tatsuya half-expected Sakuma’s prediction to come true, as he had heard that Meguro would be attending the ball, and Iwamoto had prior engagements to attend on the same night. So on the night of the ball, he felt calm and collected. It had been a while since he’d seen Meguro, and it would be nice to catch up with him without worrying about Iwamoto. Yurina also seemed excited, and Tatsuya had joked about speaking to Meguro for her.

“I would not be opposed to marrying Lord Meguro!” She had swooned, turning around and around, her pale silk pink dress dancing around her legs. She had grabbed onto Tatsuya’s arms, squeezing tightly. “Please, Tattsu!”

Unfortunately, once the Iwamoto family arrived in the early evening, Tatsuya felt a bit betrayed. Iwamoto was here—standing tall and proud behind his mother and sister.

An hour later, Meguro arrived, accompanied by his parents and brother.

Tatsuya hadn’t bothered saying hello to Iwamoto, leaving that to his parents, who were the hosts, but the moment he spotted Meguro, he excused himself from the conversation he was in and walked around the ballroom.

“Meguro,” Tatsuya breathed out.

Meguro smiled kindly. The expression on his face was different. It was friendly, but also somewhat affectionate. “Fukazawa, it’s been a while.”

Tatsuya took a small step back, feeling the pieces fall into place. “That’s right… it has been,” he said slowly.

Could the person that Tatsuya had a secret romance with be Meguro himself? That was impossible.

“Meguro, if it’s not too presumptuous of me, would you care to dance with my sister tonight?” Tatsuya asked, hoping to keep the conversation focused on anything else than their possible relationship.

“I’d be honored. She’ll be the first lady I ask,” he replied. “Now, how have you been, Fukazawa? I heard you fell and had a sprained ankle.”

“I’ve fully recovered,” Tatsuya answered. “Did you take care of business in Meguro City?”

“Ah, yes,” Meguro confirmed. He pursed his lips. “Now that my brother is preparing for his travels in Europe, the division of work has changed and I’m still trying to adjust myself. Oh, but you mustn’t want to hear about such things. Shall we speak somewhere more private?”

“Sure.”

Tatsuya led Meguro out of the ballroom and down the long hall that would take them to the back of the house. Since it was spring now, the gardens were beginning to bloom beautifully and the weather was nice enough to take an evening stroll around. It’d also give them some peace and quiet, which Tatsuya needed to keep his mind straight.

They remained quiet until they were far away from the house, where they no longer heard the playing of the orchestra or the chattering of the guests. Meguro kept his hands behind his back, his attention focused on the gravel pathway as they walked. He made no move to jump on Tatsuya, but he hadn’t expected him to do something aggressive in the first place. Meguro was anything but aggressive; Tatsuya had to remind himself of that. There was no need to be wary of him.

Once they were sitting on a stone bench among some of the rose bushes that Mother used to tend to herself, the air around them seemed to fill with tension.

“Fukazawa, if I may say something,” Meguro said.

“Please,” Tatsuya murmured.

“I left Tokyo last season unsure of some things that were important to me, and I returned with the hope of remedying them. In the last couple of weeks since I’ve returned, I’ve spent a lot of time wondering how to confront you about what happened. It was not my greatest moment, and I know that I embarrassed you greatly. For my mistakes towards you, I sincerely apologize.”

Oh, no, Tatsuya thought. He laughed nervously and waved his hands in dismissal. “No, no. Meguro, there is no—”

Meguro held his hand up, asking for a moment. Tatsuya shut his mouth.

“Fukazawa, to me, what we had was—no, is because it is—very special to me. I know that you’ve had reservations about this in the past and that Lord Iwamoto has caused many difficulties. I understand that he is a close friend of yours, much like Watanabe and Sakuma, but I hope that you do not let his opinions influence your feelings.”

“Meguro.” Tatsuya exhaled, pressing a hand to his chest. This was absolutely unbelievable. “Meguro, it is me who should apologize. I believe that I have misled you, and I am the one who has caused great embarrassment for you.”

Meguro paused, surprised. “Ah…” He laughed. It was an airy, empty sound. “So it’s true—what Iwamoto said.”

“What did Iwamoto—”

“I said that Fukazawa was not interested in maintaining any secret romances.”

Tatsuya jumped up from the bench, looking behind where they were sitting. Iwamoto was standing there with his hands in his pockets. His expression was indiscernible, but his voice was firm.

Meguro stood up as well, but he was less surprised. He clapped his hands a few times and laughed again, and it certainly seemed more genuine, but there was nothing amusing about this situation. “Your timing is impeccable, Iwamoto, as always.”

Tatsuya moved his attention from Meguro to Iwamoto to Meguro again.

“It’s just as you said, Meguro. I’m one of Fukazawa’s closest friends. More than that, I’m protective of those I care about.”

The words formed an ache in Tatsuya’s chest. Iwamoto… who was he in this life?

“I know as much.” Meguro kicked up some of the gravel, a cloud of dust and dirt billowing at his and Tatsuya’s feet. “Then… Fukazawa, my apology remains.”

Tatsuya reached out, prepared to grab Meguro by the arm. Exasperated when he passed by, he said, “Meguro—”

Meguro stopped a few paces away and turned to look at Tatsuya. “I hold no ill feelings against you, Fukazawa. We were both simply searching for someone else in each other.”

Tatsuya held his breath. That was a definite sign that Meguro knew about his feelings for Iwamoto.

“For wanting some more with someone else, I will never blame you.”

With a final nod in his direction, Meguro left, leaving Tatsuya no choice but to watch as he became smaller and smaller, before he went back inside the manor. Once he was sure Meguro was inside, Tatsuya turned to Iwamoto and pointed at him.

“You ruined it,” he accused.

Iwamoto came closer, scoffing. “Do you truly like Meguro that much?”

“That wasn’t the point.”

Tatsuya had been prepared to reject Meguro gently and ask for his forgiveness, but he also wanted to help Yurina and try to put her on Meguro’s good side. It would now be impossible for him to be able to do so without it seeming like something else. He’d have to ask not only Meguro to forgive him but Iwamoto as well.

“Why?” Iwamoto asked.

“Why what?”

“Why are you so bothered?”

Tatsuya stomped across the remaining space between them, grabbing the front of Iwamoto’s coat and pulling him close. “I may have made a mistake becoming involved with Meguro, but I was going to fix it! Why must you insist on involving yourself?”

Iwamoto grunted, his hands wrapping around Tatsuya’s wrists in an attempt to get him to let go.

“You have no idea what I have gone through,” Tatsuya whispered, hearing the anger in his voice. “You have no idea what my sister and my father will go through if this season doesn’t go well. And you, what you—”

He stopped, realizing that he couldn’t tell Iwamoto anything more. He quickly let go of him and pushed him back, letting him stumble down onto the grass. He was breathing heavily, looking up at Tatsuya with wide eyes.

Tatsuya, like Iwamoto had done to him, looked down on him. Mustering all the courage he could, he said, “If you care so much for me, you’ll leave me be.”

It hurt to say, but he needed more time. It was becoming clear that their relationship in this life was much more complicated than he originally thought, and he couldn’t have Iwamoto close while he tried to sort through his thoughts.

“Fine!” Iwamoto called out as Tatsuya began to walk away. “We will never see each other again!”

⁂

Tatsuya and Iwamoto had no choice about whether they saw each other again or not. Apparently, Yurina had expressed her interest in Iwamoto to Mother, who was quick to set up a meeting with the Duchess. A date was set a fortnight after the ball, and on the night of the dinner between the two families, Tatsuya tried to make an excuse of not feeling well.

“You are in perfectly good health,” Mother huffed.

“All right, then, Watanabe has actually asked me to accompany him to watch a kabuki show,” Tatsuya tried.

“The Countess is hosting a dinner of her own tonight with the Duchess of Miyadate.” She wagged a finger at him. “You are not so young that you can lie yourself out of a dinner by involving your school friends. Lord Watanabe would not like his name being used in your shenanigans.”

Tatsuya did not have the heart to confess how many times he had used his friends’ names to excuse himself from events and how his own name had been used to help his friends out in their times of need. Instead, he cleared his throat, trying his best to smile at her. “Mother, is it not best to have Yurina and Iwamoto be the only ones present with the parents? Why involve us siblings?”

Mother shot him a harsh look and Tatsuya raised his hands in defeat.

“Very well. I’ll be on my best behavior.”

He was determined to make it through the night without speaking a single word to Iwamoto unless necessary, though he was sure that the focus would remain on Yurina for most of the night if Mother was trying to make a match and appeal to the Duchess. No attention would be brought to Tatsuya unless it boosted Yurina’s appearance, and that was fine enough.

Still, Tatsuya didn’t think it would be so quiet that the sound of their silverware hitting the porcelain dishes would be so piercing to his ears. The awkwardness increased ten-fold when Iwamoto ended up not saying a word to Tatsuya at all, despite being seated next to him, but perhaps the awkwardness and tension were only lingering at their part of the table. The Duchess had been speaking more than usual tonight, directing questions at Yurina, who managed to give no answer of her own as Mother interrupted her every time to answer the questions herself.

Despite Mother’s rudeness, the Iwamotos were gracious hosts, smiling all throughout dinner. The Duchess politely asked them to enjoy some more entertainment in the drawing room, perhaps a short, friendly card game or an impromptu dance to songs played by Lady Mai. Tatsuya noted how Yurina’s eyes seemed to shine as she accepted the Duchess’s invitation.

This would be the life that Yurina would lead if she married into the Iwamoto family, and Tatsuya had to admit that she would suit it well. While Father was a bit withdrawn and stern, Mother spoke more than she should and lacked a bit of insight into social situations. Tatsuya was no better—as charming as he was, he was also often vulgar and loud. Yurina was different from the family she had been born into, and Tatsuya knew that it was better if she married into one that elevated her status. Instead of being the daughter of some count, she could be a future duchess in her own right.

Tatsuya cursed in his mind.

As much as he wanted to make the decision, it was ultimately up to his parents, and Mother was extremely fond of Iwamoto as a son-in-law. Yurina was pleased to go along with the plans as it was what she wanted, especially now that Tatsuya had indirectly convinced her to take her responsibilities as a daughter more seriously. It left him helpless and without options, unless he was willing to go as far as to ruin a possible engagement.

“Fukazawa, do you have any plans on marrying?” the Duchess asked as they retreated to a drawing room.

Tatsuya took a seat and graciously accepted the offered tea cup and saucer from the maid. “Not at present. If I must, I will marry in due time. For now, I’d like to see Lady Yurina married first,” he answered.

At this, Mother laughed, commenting on how thoughtful he was, and the Duchess agreed. They moved on, speaking of an engagement that had already been announced. It was the first of the season, but Tatsuya didn’t care to listen more. He took a sip from his cup and looked around, taking in the details. It’d been a while since he’d been in this particular room.

Iwamoto Manor was only slightly bigger than Fukazawa Manor, but it was more sparsely furnished—the Duchess enjoyed keeping a more minimalist home—yet it didn’t take away from the flashiness. If anything, the lack of furniture made everything a bit more tasteful and pleasing to the eyes.

“—move forward with the wedding,” the Duchess was saying. “It could be sometime in the summer.”

Tatsuya looked between Iwamoto and Yurina, wondering what part of the conversation he had missed.

Yurina was sitting on the loveseat beside Lady Mai, the two of them quietly conversing about something else, and Iwamoto remained by the door, seemingly uninterested in the conversation. It eased Tatsuya a bit. They must be speaking about someone else. Though Tatsuya couldn’t be sure that Iwamoto would protest if it had been about him and Yurina.

Not only had he not addressed Tatsuya once tonight, but he had kept his comments to a minimum with everyone else as well. He’d remained attentive and polite, just quiet.

And the night ended in that manner—quietly. When it was nearing ten o’clock, the Fukazawas finally excused themselves, thanking their hosts profusely for the delicious meal and entertainment, which ended up being Lady Mai playing a few songs and the Duchess dancing with Tatsuya. It had been pleasant, but Tatsuya was definitely ready to return home and be away from Iwamoto’s silent gaze.

As Mother and Father boarded the carriage, Tatsuya looked back, ready to beckon Yurina over, but he paused when he saw her standing with Iwamoto, her hands clasped in front of her mouth to hide her smile. Iwamoto was speaking, but the expression on his face was unreadable. Whatever he said, Yurina agreed, nodding her head with enthusiasm. She was practically jumping for joy.

“Ah, isn’t that nice?” Mother commented, poking her head out of the carriage.

Tatsuya hesitated, feeling his breath get caught in his throat. “Sure,” he managed to say.

Finally, Yurina came rushing over, taking Tatsuya’s hand and getting into the carriage without a word of thanks. “Iwamoto had asked us to accompany him and his family to view the cherry blossoms!” she exclaimed, reaching out to grab Mother’s hands as the two of them squealed with joy.

Tatsuya looked back at Iwamoto, who only nodded in his direction.

Just what was this, he asked himself.

Unfortunately, he wouldn’t get an answer any time soon. It seemed that Iwamoto had not made his presence known in any gentlemen’s clubs, not even the club made especially for peers and their families. Tatsuya had tried his best to ask around discreetly, avoiding asking any mutual friends they may have, and yet no one had seen him.

“Iwamoto isn’t into this stuff, is he?” Miyata asked him.

Miyata, like Tatsuya, was a viscount who inherited the title after his father was promoted to a count rank. He was a better person than most—rational but also humorous and generous. Beyond that, Miyata was the only man who made card games worth playing for Tatsuya.

He had lifetimes of card playing experience to know what each twitch of the lips, slight change in breathing, or small dilation of pupils meant, and others were unable to hide such things, but Miyata had a demeanor that was never affected by his chances of winning or losing, making it impossible for Tatsuya to know which move he would make next.

“He isn’t,” Tatsuya agreed, placing his card down on the table. “I believe he only made himself known a few times last season. I lost some money to him.”

He carefully watched Miyata’s hands, which moved to grab one card and then another. It was almost mesmerizing.

“You’ll be better off finding him outdoors,” Miyata finally said, slapping his card down onto the tabletop. And with that, the game was over. “That’s three for me, Fukazawa.”

“Damn.” Tatsuya dropped his cards onto the table as Miyata took the money that had been collected over the games they’d played. As Miyata was counting, Tatsuya collected all the cards. “Let’s play once more.”

Miyata smiled warmly. “Unfortunately, I think I’ll be taking my winnings home before you manage to take them back.” He stood up to pocket the money and came around the table to pat Tatsuya on the head a few times. “Perhaps Takahashi will play with you. I will warn you that between the practice he gets between you and me, he’s beginning to get the hang of it. He played me out of all of my money last week, and Tamamori didn’t speak to me for the entire night.”

Tatsuya laughed, unable to see someone who was twelve years Miyata’s junior successfully take all his money in a few card games. “All right,” he said. “I’ll give Takahashi a chance if he’s available.”

“I’ll pay for everything,” Miyata offered.

“Thanks.”

Miyata left with one last wave, stopping to hand some money over to the owner of the club and collect his hat at the door, and Tatsuya sighed, setting the deck of cards aside. He picked up his glass and took one final swig. He could see Takahashi already playing a game, so he simply stood up to leave.

The club was dimly lit, so stepping outside had Tatsuya squinting his eyes for a moment as he adjusted to the sunlight. Once he could see, he headed down the street, knowing that it was about time for him to go home anyway. Today was the day that they’d go see the cherry blossoms with the Iwamotos.

It had been decided that they’d depart for a nearby river lined with cherry blossom trees and have a picnic under the shade of one for luncheon. Yurina had loved the idea and she had been going on about how she could take the moment to speak more privately with Iwamoto.

Tatsuya clicked his tongue. If Iwamoto was stuck at Yurina’s side, Tatsuya would have no opportunity to confront Iwamoto about his intentions with Yurina. The possibility of Iwamoto having fallen in love with Yurina was slim—or at least Tatsuya wanted to think so. But even the smallest of chances was enough to haunt his mind.

“Is something on your mind, my lord?”

“Huh?”

Lady Mai laughed, hiding behind her fan. “I asked, is something on your mind?”

He turned to look at her. She was beautiful today, dressed in a silk kimono instead of a dress. It was light blue and was decorated with various pink spring flowers; around her middle, a light pink obi with a similar but more subtle flower pattern. Her black hair was brushed and tied back, delicately adorned with some small cherry blossoms. Despite her softness, her resemblance to Iwamoto was strong and Tatsuya could not admire her beauty for long.

“Nothing,” he finally replied.

He looked ahead of them, where Mother and the Duchess were walking. In front of them, Iwamoto and Yurina. The ladies’ maids had also accompanied them but had gone far ahead to set up the picnic under the nicest tree they could find.

“Are you worried about Lady Yurina’s interest in my brother?” Lady Mai asked.

She was too perceptive for her own good. It made Tatsuya laugh, and he waved his hand dismissively. “No, no, that’s not it.”

“Then?”

“I lost some money in a game today,” he answered. It was true that he’d been a loser today. “It’s nothing you should worry yourself with, Lady Mai.”

“Well, I hope the next time you play, you can win double what you lost!” Lady Mai smiled softly.

They said nothing else and admired the trees around them. The trees were fully in bloom now, a line of pale pink going as far as Tatsuya could see.

The river that they’d chosen to walk along seemed to be more like a stream in actuality, but it was much better than what he was expecting. It was rather narrow, shallow, and fairly calm; the water babbling and burbling as it flowed down, with an occasional pitter-patter as it hit the larger rocks embedded in the riverbed. The scent of the water and wet earth outweighed any scent that the cherry blossom trees had, and it reminded Tatsuya of the countryside and how natural everything was there.

“Lady Mai, what do you think of living in the countryside?”

“Oh!” Lady Mai hummed. “Well, I’m able to wear kimonos instead of dresses, which I prefer. Other than that, I’m not very well-suited for the countryside.”

“Is that so?”

Her response was interrupted by a shrill scream from ahead. They turned to look and found Yurina on the grass, kicking her legs. Mother and the Duchess were rushing toward her. Iwamoto also seemed to have jumped back, startled by something. Lady Mai tugged Tatsuya towards them, asking what happened.

Yurina was crying, and Lady Mai rushed towards her, helping her sit up.

“There was a bug,” Yurina cried. She held her hand up and used her thumb and pointer finger to show how big it was. “It was huge!”

“Oh, dear,” the Duchess said, looking around at her feet. “I’m afraid I don’t fare well against insects.”

Mother followed, raising her feet and lifting her kimono as best as she could. “Neither do I.”

“I think it flew away,” Yurina hiccuped, wiping her eyes.

Tatsuya hummed. He knew to keep his distance from the commotion. If Yurina cried upon seeing a bug of that size, he would wail. He glanced over at Iwamoto, who also had a great dislike of insects. He was a fair distance away from Yurina, not making a move to help her up.

It was Lady Mai who did, pulling her up and fixing her kimono and obi. “There,” she said sweetly, placing her hands on Yurina’s shoulders. “You’re just fine.”

“Thank you, Mai.”

Lady Mai nodded and then proceeded to look around, moving her own kimono around. She seemed to have spotted it because she crouched and reached down into the tall grass. When she lifted her hand, there was a fat beetle about the size of Tatsuya’s thumb pinched between her thumb and pointer finger. She shot up, looking at it for a short moment, and then she rushed over to Iwamoto.

“Onii-chan, look,” she giggled, extending her arm and waving the beetle towards Iwamoto.

Iwamoto waved his hands, trying to push her away while avoiding the hand that held the beetle. “Oi, Mai! Quit it,” he insisted, taking a few steps back.

“Iwamoto,” Tatsuya called out, noticing that he was close to the riverbank.

Iwamoto looked at him wide-eyed, and then he fell, having stepped on a rock covered with mud. He let out a wordless shout, and Tatsuya rushed forward. At the same time, Lady Mai tossed the beetle aside and reached out, just barely missing Iwamoto’s failing arms.

Tatsuya managed to grab his hands and pull him towards him as hard as he could.

“Oof!”

His back hit the grass with a hard thud, and the air was knocked out of him. Not to mention that, while he had successfully saved Iwamoto from falling into the water, he had landed on top of Tatsuya, his shoulder hitting the center of Tatsuya’s chest with great force.

“Fukazawa,” Iwamoto said breathlessly, “thank you.”

Tatsuya dismissed him with a wave of his hand. “Don’t worry about it,” he panted.

Yet again, they were face-to-face, close enough that Tatsuya could lean in and just barely…

Iwamoto cleared his throat, rolling off of Tatsuya. He pushed himself up onto his hands and knees, took a few deep breaths, and then straightened up to rest on the heels of his feet. He turned his attention to Lady Mai, a deep frown on his face. “You!”

Lady Mai only laughed, taking Yurina’s hand and pulling her away. The two of them ran further down, giggling behind their hands. The Duchess said nothing, but she did give a warning look towards Iwamoto, and Mother simply motioned for Tatsuya to get up quickly before turning and falling into step with the Duchess.

Iwamoto huffed, standing up. He offered a hand to Tatsuya. “C’mon,” he muttered.

Tatsuya quickly accepted the offer, grunting as Iwamoto pulled him up off the ground. The two of them picked up their hats and dusted themselves off as best as they could. Iwamoto was left with a small stain on his elbow, and, though Tatsuya couldn’t see it himself, Iwamoto told him that he had a hardly noticeable grass stain on his back.

“For someone who exudes so much manliness, you sure are as delicate as a cherry blossom, Iwamoto,” Tatsuya joked as they resumed the walk side-by-side.

They had fallen behind by a fair amount, yet Iwamoto didn’t seem to be in a rush to catch up. He was still picking up some blades of grass from his coat, an unhappy expression on his face. Tatsuya’s comment only seemed to make it worse, and he had to hide his laughter behind his hand.

“Laugh all you want, Fukazawa, but you were scared of that thing too,” Iwamoto grumbled.

It was rather endearing to see Iwamoto so childishly bothered. It made Tatsuya want to poke and prod him even more, just to get a reaction out of him.

“I was not scared. I was merely surprised,” Tatsuya offered lamely. “Have you ever seen a beetle of that size?”

Iwamoto visibly shuttered. “No, and I hope to never see it again.”

Tatsuya laughed loudly at him, reaching out to shove Iwamoto.

Iwamoto smiled a little, albeit a bit shyly, but then he pouted, his lower lip jutting out a bit cutely. “Don’t make fun of me,” he sulked.

“All right, all right,” Tatsuya conceded.

They walked in silence, and when they reached the ladies, they already had the picnic set out—large round trays with meats, thick slices of white bread, bottles of imported wine, and an assortment of soft fruits. Mother patted a spot beside her. Yurina and Lady Mai were seated on a different blanket, engaged in conversation as they ate the slices of cake that had been arranged on golden tiered trays for dessert.

Iwamoto sat beside the Duchess and she said something quietly to him. He only shook his head and began to eat, picking at the bread and meat. Tatsuya reached for a wine glass, taking the offered bottle from Mother and filling it just a little under halfway. He offered it to Iwamoto, who took it with a nod, and then filled a second glass for himself.

They ate with little conversation. It was mostly Mother and the Duchess who spoke, conversing about this and that. After Tatsuya was satisfied with the savory foods, he excused himself quietly. He stood up and wandered over to the other blanket, unceremoniously sitting down beside Yurina and reaching for one of the sweets.

“Tattsu!” she sighed. She pointed to the spot beside Lady Mai. “You must sit next to Mai, so Iwamoto may sit next to me.”

“No,” Tatsuya said quickly as he shoved the doughnut he’d picked up into his mouth.

Yurina groaned, and Lady Mai laughed, poking her teasingly.

“It’s fine, Yuri!” she reassured. “It’s nicer if he sits across from you. He can see you much better that way!”

And that was all it took to convince her. It took a few more minutes for Iwamoto to wander over, but when he did, Yurina straightened up and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. Tatsuya nearly burst out laughing, and to keep himself from it, he picked up another doughnut.

Iwamoto greeted them quietly and then looked at the remaining desserts, picking up a small tart. He took a bite out of it and then looked up, surprised. “This is absolutely delicious,” he commented, hiding his full mouth behind his free hand. Once he swallowed, he looked at Tatsuya and then offered the tart. “Here, try it.”

“Huh?” Tatsuya laughed anxiously, feeling Yurina and Lady Mai’s eyes on him. Iwamoto didn’t move, still holding the tart in his direction. “Sure.”

He took the tart and bit off a little on the opposite side of where Iwamoto had taken his bite. “Ah!” he exclaimed, slapping a hand over his mouth when he heard how loud he’d been. “Sorry, but it is very delicious.”

“Right?” Iwamoto said. He was smiling, his eyes turning into soft crescents and a dimple on one of his cheeks appearing. He took back the tart and had another big bite. “Lady Yurina, you should have one.”

Yurina’s laughter was a bit staggered, clearly shocked if her confused expression was anything to go by. “Ah, all right,” she said, reaching out and taking one of the remaining tarts. She took a small bite and nodded, humming in delight. “It’s… very nice.”

Iwamoto smiled at her too, much softer this time.

Tatsuya looked down at the blanket, feeling his face grow warm. He couldn’t give any meaning to it, he thought. He shouldn’t.

Lady Mai cleared her throat. “Would anyone like a sweet lemonade?” she asked.

The topic of conversation quickly changed, with Yurina and Lady Mai taking charge once they had their refreshments in hand. Tatsuya listened as best as he could, busying his hands with picking blades of grass from the ground. Once it was time to go, he had accumulated a small pile beside the blanket, and Iwamoto snickered a bit when he spotted it.

“Was the conversation that uninteresting?” he asked.

Tatsuya shrugged. “I just don’t get ladies,” he replied.

Iwamoto laughed at him, shaking his head. It made Tatsuya feel a bit better, but he was still wondering what the offering of the tart meant, if anything.

They all stood up, Yurina calling to Iwamoto to ask him to get a closer look at the cherry blossoms with her, and Tatsuya kicked his sad pile of grass. Lady Mai appeared beside him and tapped his shoulder.

“I believe you now,” she said, a sweet smile on her face as she looked up at him. “You are close to my brother.”

Instead of answering, Tatsuya offered his arm to Lady Mai. “Shall we also take a closer look at the blossoms?”

⁂

The cherry blossoms came and went in the span of two weeks, not to be seen until next season, and with the end of the cherry blossoms, a rather uneventful April began. There were few events to entertain them. There were balls, but they were public ones, and Mother dreaded going to those, so they had only attended the Abe family’s private ball. Apart from that, Tatsuya was left to do whatever he wanted to do, which often included going shopping or visiting the gentlemen’s club to play and drink. And upon Mother’s request, Tatsuya accompanied Yurina to walk around Tokyo with Iwamoto and Lady Mai every few days.

Yurina and Lady Mai would often stop them to go into the different shops and look at what was being sold. When Yurina found something she liked, be it cheap candy or a new pair of shoes imported directly from Paris, Tatsuya reluctantly paid for it. Iwamoto laughed at his misfortune every time, and Tatsuya always made a comment about how someday Lady Mai would realize she could take advantage of Iwamoto just the same.

“She would never,” Iwamoto said as they left a candy store.

Yurina and Lady Mai walked in front of them, their arms linked as they enjoyed some suckers.

Tatsuya scoffed, kicking at the pebbles on the paved road. “Lady Mai is actually nice to you,” he said. “Yurina is an absolute terror. Or, at least, she used to be.”

“You and Watanabe seem to be in the same boat,” Iwamoto pointed out. “Apparently, Lady Miya convinced him to buy her a reticule and it turned out to be a Chatelaine—satin with all the trimmings.”

Tatsuya clicked his tongue. He felt for Watanabe. “I’m telling you.”

It was nice to have a casual conversation with Iwamoto, despite Tatsuya having told him to leave him be. Over a month had passed since that night now, so Tatsuya was willing to forget it ever happened. Iwamoto didn’t seem to be bothered by Tatsuya any longer, slowly showing signs of the Iwamoto that he was familiar with, but he wondered if he could switch back at the drop of a hat. Perhaps if Meguro became involved, Iwamoto would withdraw again, but Tatsuya had little time to even consider privately meeting Meguro, or anyone for that matter, when he was asked to escort Yurina everywhere.

He didn’t think it was all bad, though. Despite being the one who asked for Yurina to come out, Iwamoto didn’t seem to have any real interest in her. Whenever they met for a walk, he walked with and spoke to her for a short period of time before letting Lady Mai keep her company. It was more like allowing the two of them to meet. They’d always been close friends who spent time together, along with Watanabe’s sister, but as they’d grown, they were denied chances to meet outside of the safety of the manors. As older brothers, Tatsuya supposed they were just keeping them from getting into trouble—and paying for their wants, in Tatsuya’s case!

But if Lady Mai was simply using Iwamoto to get Yurina out of the house, wasn’t there a limit to what they’d do?

“Do you understand horse racing, my lord?” Lady Mai asked from beside him.

It was the middle of May now. Iwamoto had invited the Fukazawas out to watch the races a couple of weeks ago. Mother had been enthusiastic to come, but she had come down with a bug of sorts a few nights prior and was still feeling under the weather, leaving Tatsuya and Yurina to their own devices. But upon arriving at the track, they found only Lady Mai.

“Ah, yes, vaguely,” Tatsuya answered, unable to take his squinting eyes off the track. It’d been a great number of years since he’d been at one. “My grandfather taught me.”

“Oh, was he a rider?”

Tatsuya smiled and held up his betting slip. “A better,” he answered.

Lady Mai’s eyes widened for a moment, and then she laughed, lifting her fan up to hide the lower half of her face. “Well, I hope you win, my lord.”

He nodded in thanks and pocketed his slip. There were differing predictions on who would win today, and Tatsuya had carefully weighed all of his options before going to place a bet. He felt confident that he’d win.

But while he enjoyed horse racing, Yurina was rather uninterested in it all. It was far too warm for her, and she was beginning to sweat under her hat despite frantically fanning herself. “Mai, where is Lord Iwamoto?” she asked, clearly irritated.

Lady Mai whispered something to her, hiding behind her face. Whatever it was seemed to calm Yurina down, and she smiled bashfully, which had Lady Mai teasing her. Tatsuya had little concern for their secrets or where Iwamoto might be. The races were an odd choice for an outing, but he was enjoying himself, so he’d not complain about it at all.

“Oi, oi, oi!” Tatsuya heard from behind him. “Fukazawa!”

“Sakuma!” he greeted.

Sakuma grinned. “And Koji is with me!”

Sakuma moved, and behind him was Lord Koji Mukai, second son of The Marquess Mukai. He, much like Sakuma, was a jovial kind of person, but an added bonus—because Tatsuya would consider it a bonus despite his words—, he was also an extremely touchy person. Mukai moved around Sakuma and sidled right up to Tatsuya, throwing an arm around his shoulders.

“Fukka,” he said, much too loud in Tatsuya’s ear, “‘s been a while.”

Tatsuya elbowed him in the abdomen. “You, is that any way to greet someone older than you?”

Mukai grinned, tightening his hold on Tatsuya. “C’mon, Fukka, it’s a race day! Relax!”

He would let it go for now, especially because he had a fondness for Mukai—not that he’d ever admit that to him. “Sit then. Have you two placed any bets?”

Sakuma nodded and waved a small slip around. “We decided to bet on the same horse and then split the winnings,” he said.

Tatsuya snorted. “Incredible. Who did you bet on?”

“Why, we bet on Hikaru, of course!”

“Iwamoto? Is he a jockey today?”

He couldn’t believe it. Iwamoto was athletic, but he wasn’t a rider. Tatsuya hadn’t even seen his name on the list!

“Wait a minute,” Tatsuya said, motioning at Sakuma and Mukai, “did you two—”

The crowd around them drowned Tatsuya out with a sudden burst of cheering. He looked back towards the track and saw the horses being led out and moved into their positions in the wooden barriers. He scanned the horses and the jockeys on them. He spotted Iwamoto at the furthest end. He had on a yellow and white racing silks neatly tucked into his white riding pants, which were secured in his riding boots, and his black hair was hidden by a hat that was the same shade of yellow as his silks.

Tatsuya sat back down, astonished. “Ah…”

“Fukka, did you bet on Teru-nii too?” Mukai asked.

“No,” he replied hazily. “I bet on someone who will win.”

Around him, the cheers got louder, and there were some gentlemen waving their slips about, calling out the names of the horses or jockeys they’d bet on. On either side of him, Mukai and Lady Mai cheered for Iwamoto. The start signal of the race was barely heard in his ears, his eyes locked on Iwamoto as his horse shot out ahead of the rest.

Could Iwamoto be that good? Tatsuya kept his eyes on him, following him around the track. It was possible, he thought, but there were other horses that were better with jockeys that had much more experience in winning races, no matter how long Iwamoto had been riding now in this life. As the horses came around the curve of the track, Iwamoto fell behind, surpassed by one, two, and three horses in a few short seconds. He heard Mukai grumble beside him and Lady Mai clap on his other, speaking her own words of support.

After another minute, the first horse finished. A chorus of shouts—both in joy and disappointment—echoed in the stands. Tatsuya pulled out the slip from his pocket, seeing the name of the horse that had just won, but he didn’t feel satisfied.

“Oh, you won,” Mukai said with a pout, peering down at Tatsuya’s slip. He turned to Sakuma, slapping him lightly on the chest. “Maybe we should have followed Fukka. He knows more about this than we do.”

Sakuma moaned, “We should have, right?” He sucked on his teeth and scratched at a spot behind his ear. “Well, Hikaru got fourth at least. We should go find him to comfort him.”

The two of them excused themselves, leaving the stands. Tatsuya doubted they would be able to find Iwamoto easily since there were so many stables that held the horses.

“Lord Sakuma is right,” Lady Mai said, standing up. “Not about comforting him, but finding him.”

Yurina agreed, getting up from her seat as well.

Tatsuya led the ladies away from the rowdy stands, the three of them stopping to collect his winnings at the booth. It wasn’t much, but he could use it to bet on the next race or keep it and try to lose it at the gentlemen’s club. Yurina made a joke about how she wanted a new kimono, but Tatsuya only narrowed his eyes at her, telling her that she had allowances for her kimonos already in place.

As Yurina pulled Lady Mai into teasing Tatsuya, they stopped at a bench to rest. Tatsuya looked around, tuning out their comments, and was able to see the jockeys and other staff members leading their horses back to the stables.

“Ladies, I’ll find Iwamoto and bring him here,” he said, motioning towards the horses passing by. “It wouldn’t be right to take the two of you over there where you could dirty your dresses.”

They agreed, and Tatsuya made his way over, leaving the metal cover that protected patrons from the sun. It was not yet warm enough for Tatsuya to begin to sweat like Yurina, but it was bright enough that he squinted as he scanned over the wide dirt walkway. Iwamoto was nowhere in sight, so he continued on, coming closer to the stables. He peeked into a few but found only horses and the occasional jockey, assistant, or manager.

“Oi, Fukazawa,” he heard.

Tatsuya turned, finding Iwamoto coming out of a stable. “There you are.”

“Where are the ladies?”

“I left them waiting while I came to look for you,” he answered. He kicked at the ground a few times, the toe of his shoe getting covered in dirt. “They’re a bit sad for you and want to comfort you.”

Iwamoto laughed, shoving his hands into his pants pockets and turning away. It was a bright sound, and Tatsuya couldn’t help but smile himself.

“Sad for me?” he asked, facing Tatsuya again. “I’ve won plenty of races before. One loss is nothing to be sad over.”

“Koji is also a bit sad that you lost, but I’m not sure if it’s for you,” Tatsuya said, crossing his arms over his chest. He tilted his head and hummed in thought. “He did say something about betting on your horse and splitting the winnings with Sakuma.”

“Koji always bets on my horse,” Iwamoto replied. After a second, he clicked his tongue. “Then… who did you bet on?”

Tatsuya chuckled. “The winner, of course.”

“You didn’t bet on me?” Iwamoto asked, but he didn’t seem surprised at all.

“I considered all my options,” he replied with a shrug of his shoulder. When Iwamoto looked unconvinced, he clapped and spread his arms out. “What can I say, I’m a winner.”

Iwamoto laughed quietly, shaking his head. “It’s not that they’re sad they didn’t win,” he said gently, “but that I lost on my birthday.”

Tatsuya froze, thinking about the date. His own birthday had been at the start of the month, and they’d celebrated with an extravagant dinner, at which the Iwamoto family had been. It’d been a couple of weeks since then…

“Ah!” he exclaimed, pointing at Iwamoto. “It is your birthday, isn’t it?”

Another shake of Iwamoto’s head. “You, you don’t remember it?” he teased softly, lifting a hand up to his mouth and biting down on the nail of his thumb.

“Of course I remember,” Tatsuya answered. “At least, now that you mentioned it. Apologies for not getting you a gift, Iwamoto. If you’d like anything, just tell me.”

“It’s unnecessary,” Iwamoto said, dropping his hand from his mouth to wave it off. He took a few steps closer. “After all, I didn’t get you a gift either.”

“And yet you attended my family’s dinner like that?” Tatsuya joked. He inhaled sharply as Iwamoto took a few more steps, stopping only a hand’s width away, and looked up to meet his eyes. He swallowed the sudden knot in his throat. “Iwamoto?”

“Fukazawa,” Iwamoto whispered slowly, “what if I want this?”

Suddenly, Tatsuya felt Iwamoto’s hand rest on his waist; it moved across his back, his fingertips pressing hard into Tatsuya, serving as a reminder of the Miyadate ball and of every memory they’d had before that.

Tatsuya placed one hand on Iwamoto’s chest and grabbed his shoulder with the other, weakly attempting to push Iwamoto off. But the truth was that Tatsuya didn’t want to. If Iwamoto kissed him right now, Tatsuya would accept it wholly and happily. It was all he could ever want from Iwamoto, who had started this season so cold towards him.

Iwamoto exhaled as he bent his neck down to lean in closer, and the warmth fanned across Tatsuya’s face. His eyes moved across Tatsuya’s face rapidly, as if he were trying to commit every detail to memory. Tatsuya did the same, admiring Iwamoto’s handsomeness up close. Iwamoto tilted his head and Tatsuya breathed in once more, nearly shivering with anticipation.

Their lips had barely touched when a loud voice called out, “Teru-nii, are you here? Is Fukka with you? I ran into Meme with the ladies, and Sakuma—”

Mukai stopped as he turned the corner and saw them. With him was Meguro. Tatsuya let go of Iwamoto’s arm and used the hand on his chest to push him away, then he choked on his saliva and coughed, pounding a fist on his chest.

“Fukka…”

“I’ll be going now,” he said a bit breathlessly.

He avoided making eye contact with Mukai and Meguro as he hurried in their direction. He brushed shoulders with Meguro as he rushed by and shrugged off his attempt to stop him.

If no one knew about him and Iwamoto before, they surely would now.

Tatsuya was left shaken the rest of the day, and it affected his attention span and appetite greatly. He had excused himself early from both luncheon and dinner, unable to eat or partake in any conversation with his parents and Yurina. In his room, he called for his valet, asking him to bring the best imported whisky he could find.

He was desperate to forget today.

His valet returned after some time with a bottle, ice, and glass, preparing it for Tatsuya. He thanked him and let him go for the rest of the night. There was still light out, but the sun was beginning to slowly fall over the horizon. As he drank his whisky by the window, he wondered what Iwamoto would be doing right now. The Iwamotos kept their birthday celebrations a private and small affair for only family members, so perhaps a nice dinner and that’d be it.

“He couldn’t have been serious,” Tatsuya mumbled to himself, scoffing as he turned away from the window and refilled his glass with much more than before.

A kiss… No, Tatsuya couldn’t give Iwamoto a kiss. Something like flowers would be enough, and Tatsuya could also use it as a way to apologize. For everything. And he wouldn’t have to give Iwamoto the flowers himself. Then they could move on like nothing happened. At least until Tatsuya was ready for something to happen. Today, he’d been… absolutely out of his mind, he thought.

Finishing off his drink, he left his room and found one of the footmen, who directed him to the butler.

“Flowers, my lord?” the old man asked. Then, more seriously, he asked, “Have you been drinking, my lord?”

“Yes and yes,” Tatsuya said. He waved his hands. “Wait, wait, that’s not the point. Please make sure you do something like camellias or carnations, if you can find them, but white or red—ah, and absolutely no yellow if it’s a carnation. And attach a card that says, ‘Happy birthday and I’m sorry’.”

The butler seemed a bit miffed by the last-minute request, but he agreed anyway, promising Tatsuya that they would get it prepared as quickly as possible to be able to deliver it before the day ended. Tatsuya thanked him and hurried back to his room, falling onto his bed in a half-drunken state and drifting asleep before he could think twice about what it meant to send Iwamoto such flowers.

⁂

Four days after Iwamoto’s birthday, Iwamoto paid a visit to Fukazawa Manor. Tatsuya was the only one home since Mother and Yurina went to the modiste to have new dresses made for an upcoming ball Sakuma’s family was hosting in a couple of nights, so he went to the drawing room and had some tea prepared to receive Iwamoto alone. He figured they would talk for a bit, and then he’d send him off on his way without much fuss.

Unfortunately, Iwamoto walked in with a neatly made bouquet of flowers.

“Oh,” Tatsuya said, standing from his chair, “I apologize Iwamoto, but my sister is out. You can hand the flowers to one of the maids and they’ll arrange them in a vase in her room.”

Iwamoto came closer, passing by the maid who was waiting to take the flowers. “Oh, well…”

“I’m sure she’ll enjoy”—Tatsuya looked at them closely and found an assortment of white azaleas, Marguerite daisies, baby’s breath, and pink camellias—“such lovely flowers.”

“These flowers are not for Lady Mai but for you, Fukazawa.”

Tatsuya laughed, shaking his head. “No, you can’t be serious.”

Iwamoto looked a bit sheepish. “It’s only right to return the gesture,” he mumbled, offering the flowers to him. “A belated birthday gift.”

He took the flowers, their sweet scent hitting his senses for only a moment before it seemed to fade. “Th-thank you, Iwamoto,” he said, a bit unsure. He looked down at the flowers. “I’ll have them put into a vase right now.”

The maid from before rushed over and took the flowers from him, quietly excusing herself from the room. Another maid began to prepare tea as Tatsuya motioned for Iwamoto to take a seat. Instead of reclaiming his chair, Tatsuya sat beside Iwamoto on the loveseat. The maid handed Iwamoto a tea cup, and then Tatsuya sent her away so he could have some privacy with Iwamoto.

“So, what brought you here this afternoon, Iwamoto?”

“I’ve come to invite Lady Yurina to see a new kabuki show tomorrow night,” he said, setting his cup down on the small table beside the loveseat. “And I came to see if you would accompany us as well.”

Tatsuya nodded. He could go through a show with Iwamoto. They wouldn’t have to talk, and then they’d be able to go home. “Very well,” he said. “I cannot accept on behalf of my sister, but I know that she’ll be very happy to go.”

It was a bit of a lie. Yurina wasn’t all that interested in kabuki, but she’d go because it was Iwamoto.

“I’m beginning to think that you’re truly interested in my sister, Iwamoto,” Tatsuya continued. “Your invitations are certainly sending a message to her.”

Iwamoto smiled, but it seemed more like a grimace. “Yes, that is my hope.”

Ah.

Tatsuya cleared his throat. “I’ll relay the—”

“And what do you think, Fukazawa, of all this?” Iwamoto asked.

“I… don’t think I understand what you’re asking.” Tatsuya hummed. “About the possibility of you marrying my sister?”

Iwamoto huffed out a small laugh. “That’s not it.”

Then, Iwamoto reached out and pushed Tatsuya’s shoulder, pressing him down until he was laying on the arm of the loveseat. Iwamoto scooted closer, leaning down on Tatsuya. Once again, they were close enough that their breaths mingled between their lips and their noses brushed.

“Then what?” Tatsuya exhaled.

Iwamoto didn’t answer.

Instead, he leaned in the rest of the way, his soft lips pressing against Tatsuya’s gently. As they met, Tatsuya closed his eyes, moving up to press harder against Iwamoto. Iwamoto used one hand to grip himself on the back of the loveseat and moved the other away from Tatsuya’s shoulder to grab his face; it was a tender caress, the soft silk of his gloves smoothing over Tatsuya’s cheek. Then he moved closer, adjusting himself so one of his knees dug into the side of the loveseat and the other leg raised him up, trapping Tatsuya between his legs. Tatsuya felt Iwamoto’s weight settle across his thighs, making him let out a shaky breath.

Tatsuya placed both of his hands on Iwamoto’s face, holding him in place as he tilted his head to deepen the kiss, the soft sound being swallowed by the large room. He pressed his tongue into Iwamoto’s mouth carefully, testing the limits, and Iwamoto surprisingly did the same.

The kiss grew more passionate as the boundary was broken, their movements growing quicker and more frantic. Tatsuya grabbed hold of Iwamoto’s dark hair, pulling softly to make him gasp, and he took advantage of the opportunity.

A loud knock at the door had them pulling back, their breath shaky and their chests heaving. Tatsuya stared at Iwamoto, trying to commit his dark, beguiling gaze and prettily swollen pink lips to memory in case this was the only kiss they ever shared in this life.

The person at the door knocked again, breaking Tatsuya’s concentration. He tapped Iwamoto on the chest, and he obliged, moving to sit back down and smoothing over the front of his suit. Tatsuya cleared his throat as he stood up and made his way to the fireplace, leaning against it and using his hand to hide his mouth.

“Come in,” he called out.

It was Yurina, bounding in happily as she greeted Iwamoto with a sweet smile. Iwamoto greeted her politely and the two quickly jumped into conversation. The invitation to the kabuki show was given to her directly, and as expected, she accepted. She came over to Tatsuya and began to tell him about something that happened when she was at the modiste.

Tatsuya nodded along, but his gaze drifted to the loveseat, where Iwamoto was hiding his smile behind his hand.

And it seemed like the kiss wouldn’t be the only secret that they held.

The following night, after dinner, the Iwamoto and Fukazawa children made their way to the theater to watch the performance in the evening. It was a new kind of performance, written by an up and coming playwright, and the entire city was buzzing with excitement to see what he had to offer.

In the packed theater, Tatsuya had the pleasure of sitting in between Lady Mai and Iwamoto. As the performance began and the lights were dimmed, Iwamoto bumped his knee against Tatsuya’s.

“Do you enjoy kabuki, Fukazawa?” he whispered.

Tatsuya bit the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing. “Must you ask such a question now?”

Iwamoto didn’t press on. After a while, Tatsuya’s focus on the performance was interrupted by Iwamoto’s hand pressing against his thigh. He looked at it and then up at Iwamoto, who kept his attention straight ahead. Tatsuya wrote it off as a mistake and turned back to the show until Iwamoto’s hand moved further over his thigh, properly resting his palm on it.

“Iwamoto,” Tatsuya warned.

He went to move Iwamoto’s hand, but Iwamoto took him by surprise when he clasped his hand, tight enough that he couldn’t pull back. Tatsuya felt his face grow hot, all the way down to his ears, and he was glad that it was dark. For the rest of the act, Tatsuya had no choice but to let Iwamoto hold his hand. Once it ended, Iwamoto let him go.

“Shall we go eat?” he asked as the intermission began.

Their meal in the theater’s restaurant was lively, Lady Mai and Yurina keeping the spirits up as they drank and ate, but as time for the next act drew closer, Yurina seemed to calm down. As they began to make their way back to their seats, Yurina grabbed onto Tatsuya’s arm.

“Tattsu, shall we go home?”

Tatsuya knew it was bound to happen. “Yurina…”

Lady Mai noticed they fell behind and wandered back to them. “Is something wrong, Yuri?”

Yurina leaned over and whispered something to her. Lady Mai hummed, turning to look at Tatsuya with a curious gaze, and then she patted Yurina on the shoulder.

“I’ll ask Haruto,” she said quietly, excusing herself.

“Are we leaving?”

Yurina shook her head. “Mai and Haruto will take me home in our carriage. Please enjoy the rest of the performance with Lord Iwamoto.”

Tatsuya made a sound of agreement, a bit confused as to why they would leave them behind, but he couldn’t refuse. He walked out with the three of them, helping Lady Mai and Yurina into the Iwamoto’s carriage. He bid them goodbye and returned to the theater, taking his seat just as the next act began. Iwamoto looked at him curiously, but he shook his head, to which Iwamoto nodded.

The rest of the performance was splendid, and Tatsuya felt bad that the rest of them had gone home before seeing the story resolved. Iwamoto also seemed pleased with the show, offering his compliments as they made their way out of the theater.

“Would it be too presumptuous to ask for a ride home?” Tatsuya said, remembering that Yurina had decided to take their carriage home even though it would’ve made more sense to take the Iwamoto’s. “Yurina seems to have left me stranded.”

Iwamoto agreed with a laugh, and the two of them got into the waiting carriage. The ride was silent, the sound of the wheels and horses’ hooves clopping against the paved stones of the fairly empty road filling the air. Given the late hour, Iwamoto was probably tired and beginning to fall asleep. But when the carriage came to a stop, he straightened up.

“Now, would it be too presumptuous of me to ask if I can come in?” he asked.

Tatsuya held his breath for a moment. “It would definitely be improper,” he replied. “You shouldn’t come in.”

Iwamoto turned his head away to laugh. “You’re not a lady and I’m far from being a gentleman.”

“Well, look at you,” Tatsuya teased. “Fine, you can come in.”

The two of them got out of the carriage, and Iwamoto sent the driver away, telling him he wouldn’t be returning home tonight. Tatsuya then led Iwamoto inside. It was quiet and dark, with only a few lights on, as everyone had retired to bed. Quietly, they went up the staircase and walked down the hall to Tatsuya’s room.

“I could prepare you a guest bedroom,” Tatsuya said, closing the door behind him.

It was dimly lit with the fireplaces lit, so Tatsuya made no move to turn on the lights.

Iwamoto looked around the room. “This is fine,” he said. He looked over his shoulder at Tatsuya. “Just like when we were kids.”

Except it wasn’t because the moment Iwamoto finished his sentence, he crossed the room and grabbed Tatsuya, kissing him with such fervor, Tatsuya had to push him away to catch his breath. In his mouth, he tasted the sweetness of the dessert he had had earlier at the restaurant, accompanied by the slight bitterness of the wine.

“Iwamoto,” he gasped, gripping the fabric of Iwamoto’s coat tightly in his hands.

“Fukka,” Iwamoto said, his hands feeling Tatsuya up.

Tatsuya exhaled shakily and felt his knees buckle. He pressed himself back against the door to keep himself from falling. “Hi-hikaru,” he whispered.

Iwamoto leaned in, his lips hovering by Tatsuya’s ears. “Again,” he whispered, his warm and moist breath sending shivers down Tatsuya’s back.

“Hikaru,” Tatsuya repeated, breathless. “We, we can’t.”

“Why?” Iwamoto asked. “Why is it that Meguro can have a secret romance with you but I can’t?”

Before Tatsuya could reply, Iwamoto licked a long stripe up from Tatsuya’s neck to a spot behind his ear. Tatsuya gasped, the sound high and breathy, and he tightened his hold on Iwamoto’s coat.

“Why is it that Meguro can provoke you and make you whine so beautifully, and I can’t?”

“You”—Tatsuya gasped again as Iwamoto wrapped an arm around him and pressed their lower bodies together—“you can.”

Iwamoto kissed him once more, still hot but slower. He was deliberate in his movements, his warm tongue pressing further into Tatsuya’s mouth and his hand massaging Tatsuya’s ass. Tatsuya let go of Iwamoto’s rumpled coat and wrapped his arm around his shoulders tightly, the other moving down Iwamoto’s chest carefully. He felt the cold buttons of Iwamoto’s coat, and as Iwamoto kissed him, he undid them.

Tatsuya pulled back and turned his head away to stop Iwamoto. When he turned back, he grabbed the front of Iwamoto’s coat and carefully pulled it back over his shoulders. Iwamoto pulled his arms out of the sleeves, and Tatsuya let the garment go, hitting the floor quietly. Tatsuya undid the buttons on Iwamoto’s vest and slid it off him in a similar manner, then he pushed Iwamoto back a few steps to create some space between them.

“Tell me,” he said, licking his lips, “why do you think Meguro is so special to me?”

He held a hand up to stop Iwamoto from coming forward. Then, he walked towards him, carefully picking up his hand and pulling off the glove from his left hand slowly, finger by finger. He dropped his hand and walked behind him, following the line of his broad shoulders with his still-gloved hand. When he was on Iwamoto’s right, he leaned in, going on his tiptoes and hooking his chin over his shoulder. Iwamoto turned his head, inhaling sharply when their lips just barely grazed.

“I’ve hardly seen him this entire season,” Tatsuya whispered.

He grabbed Iwamoto’s right hand and took off his glove in the same manner that he had the left. He held onto it for a moment longer, admiring Iwamoto’s long, thin fingers. He slotted his fingers in between the spaces of Iwamoto’s hand and closed his fingers around it.

“So?”

Iwamoto was also looking at their hands. He raised Tatsuya’s hand to his lips and pressed a kiss on the back of it. “You have said it yourself,” he answered, his warm breath hitting Tatsuya’s hand. “Don’t you remember?”

“No,” Tatsuya answered truthfully. “I have no such memory because I’d never say such a thing.”

Tatsuya let go and moved to stand in front of Iwamoto again. He used his pointer finger to trace along his chest, feeling how Iwamoto inhaled sharply. Tatsuya moved his hand down and when he reached Iwamoto’s hips, he grabbed a fistful of Iwamoto’s shirt and tugged it out of his pants. He realized one hand was not enough, and Iwamoto seemed to realize it too. Four hands worked at pulling Iwamoto’s shirt out, and when Tatsuya had the hem in his hands, he pulled up, Iwamoto raising his arms to allow Tatsuya to pull it over his head.

Once the shirt was off, Tatsuya tossed it aside and admired Iwamoto’s well-built body. Whether it was horseback riding, running, or anything else, Iwamoto’s hobbies kept him in beautiful shape.

Iwamoto was still far too clothed and they both knew it. Iwamoto took off his shoes and then began to work on his pants, his fingers moving diligently. Tatsuya took the opportunity to take off his own gloves and coat, leaving himself in his shirt and pants. He stepped towards Iwamoto and dropped down to his knees, trembling hands reaching out to help Iwamoto.

“Fukka,” Iwamoto said.

Tatsuya paused, turning his head up to meet his eyes. “Yes, Hikaru?”

Iwamoto seemed ready to devour Tatsuya whole with his gaze alone. Tatsuya blinked a few times, confused.

“Damnit,” Iwamoto cursed, reaching down and pulling Tatsuya up to his feet again.

The two of them stumbled to Tatsuya’s bed, Iwamoto pushing him back onto the mattress and climbing over him. He started working on the buttons of Tatsuya’s vest, but his frustration slowed him down. Impatient, Iwamoto moved on, undoing the buttons on his pants. Tatsuya finished unbuttoning his vest and lifted himself up on his forearms to observe Iwamoto, who was finishing the last few buttons on his pants.

Once he finished, Iwamoto tugged at his pants and underwear, pulling both of them off Tatsuya in a swift motion. It left Tatsuya exposed, his semi-hard cock springing up. Instead of taking off his remaining garments, Iwamoto leaned down, pressing a soft kiss to Tatsuya’s thigh.

Tatsuya shivered, his hands finding Iwamoto’s hair and pulling. “Hikaru,” he breathed out.

Hikaru didn’t look up. He continued kissing Tatsuya’s thighs, alternating his attention from one to the other, pushing up Tatsuya’s undershirt as he moved up his legs.

“Beautiful,” Iwamoto whispered.

Tatsuya felt the vibrations of his voice against his skin.

“You’re so pretty down here.”

The compliment made Tatsuya grow warm all over, and he squirmed, but Iwamoto held him down. Tatsuya let out a cry when Iwamoto bit into the soft flesh of his inner thigh, and the spot throbbed with pain even as Iwamoto licked it with his hot tongue. He did the same on the other thigh, but sucked on the skin instead, hard enough that Tatsuya knew it would bruise. Iwamoto seemed to have little care about what mark he left on Tatsuya, wrapping his arms around his legs from underneath to keep him in place as he nibbled and sucked all over.

And then, Iwamoto wrapped his fingers around the base of Tatsuya’s cock, fully erect, red, and leaking precome.

“A-ah,” Tatsuya moaned, throwing his head back. He bit down on his bottom lip as Hikaru took the tip of his cock into his hot mouth. “Hi-hikaru!”

Iwamoto didn’t remove his mouth from the head of his cock when he hummed, the vibrations making him twitch. Tatsuya felt Iwamoto’s tongue flatten against the underside of his prick as he took more into his mouth. He couldn’t bring himself to look, knowing he would come undone at the sight of Iwamoto with his cock in his mouth. He tugged on his hair, urging him to do more.

Iwamoto pulled his mouth off, panting, and he felt his hand let go. Tatsuya heard him spit and then felt his hand at the base of his cock once more. Iwamoto began to jerk him, building a rhythm, and then he added his mouth. Tatsuya unfurled one of his hands and brought it up to his mouth, biting his knuckles. Still, he made sounds, moaning and gasping with each slight twist of Iwamoto’s wrist or swipe of his tongue on his cock.

It had been so long since Tatsuya had had this—something so sexual, so hot and heavy, and so full of emotions. He felt himself begin to cry, opening his eyes to stare at the ceiling, as he whimpered in pure pleasure.

“More,” he said, “more, Hikaru.”

Iwamoto pulled his lips off, but he didn’t stop pumping his dick. Tatsuya felt him press his tongue against his balls, and he groaned, arching his back, and then Iwamoto’s other hand began to massage them as well. It only took a few more moments of the combined stimulation for Tatsuya to come with a wordless moan, hot and white spurts shooting up and soiling his rolled up shirt and Iwamoto’s hand, which kept jerking him as he came.

Tatsuya took his hand out of his mouth and gripped the sheets on the bed, thrusting himself up into Iwamoto’s fist, panting.

Iwamoto came up and lay on his side beside him, holding himself up on his forearm. He carefully pushed back Tatsuya’s hair. It was only then that Tatsuya realized how sweaty and sticky he was. He was still half-clothed, his shirt sticking to his chest and back.

“Tatsuya,” Iwamoto said gently.

Tatsuya was surprised at the use of his name, and Iwamoto smiled kindly.

“Is it all right if we call each other by our names?” he asked.

“Ah… yes,” Tatsuya replied dumbly.

Iwamoto—Hikaru laughed. “So is this why they tell ladies not to let men into their homes at night?”

“Hikaru,” Tatsuya scolded. He reached up to hit him in the center of his chest. “I’m not a lady.”

Hikaru laughed, leaning in and hiding his face against Tatsuya’s shoulder for a moment. “With your dress of an undergarment, you seem a bit like one.”

Tatsuya clicked his tongue. “The long shirt is far more comfortable.”

“You’re so pretty,” Hikaru said, ignoring Tatsuya’s statement. “Has anyone ever told you that?”

You, Tatsuya wanted to say. “No,” he murmured.

“You’re so pretty,” Hikaru repeated.

He scooted closer, one of his hands moving down to caress Tatsuta’s bare skin. He smoothed the palm of his hand across his thighs and around to his ass. Tatsuya jumped a little when Hikaru’s finger pressed against him. He brought his hand back and, to his surprise, he stuck his middle finger in his mouth, pulling it out with a pop.

“Can I?” Hikaru asked, sitting up.

Tatsuya only nodded, parting his legs and pulling his knees up so his feet were flat on the bed. Hikaru grabbed one of the pillows and placed it under Tatsuya’s hips. Then his hand disappeared between Tatsuya’s legs. Tatsuya tried to keep himself relaxed, but he jumped once more when Hikaru’s finger pressed around his hole.

“Breathe,” Hikaru whispered.

It took a few more minutes to calm himself and get used to the feeling, but once he did and looked at Hikaru with a nod, he felt a finger push into him slowly. He exhaled shakily, his eyes fluttering shut as Hikaru curled his finger a little. He grabbed Hikaru’s forearm, feeling how hot his skin was.

It was slow work.

Hikaru pumped one finger inside Tatsuya for a while, leaning down to kiss and bite at his lips, ears, and neck in the meantime. Then, when Tatsuya felt ready, Hikaru removed his finger and got off the bed, finding a better substitute for his saliva at Tatsuya’s instruction. Tatsuya rested on his forearms as he watched Hikaru liberally coat two of his fingers with petroleum jelly. He left the jar nearby and then kneeled in between Tatsuya’s legs.

He inserted his fingers slowly once again, letting Tatsuya get comfortable with the stretch. Once he began moving, he leaned down, holding himself up with his hand planted to the right of Tatsuya’s head. They kissed much more slowly, Hikaru swallowing Tatsuya’s moans. Hikaru moved to suck a spot on Tatsuya’s collarbone as he quickened the pace at which he pumped his fingers. Tatsuya had his head turned to the side, a hand covering his mouth in a weak attempt to stop his gasps.

By the time Tatsuya was ready to take Hikaru, his cock was hard again. Hikaru removed his fingers and hastily wiped the excess jelly off on the sheets. He then finished unbuttoning his pants and pulled them down along with his underwear, leaving them at the middle of his thighs. Hikaru’s erection curled up towards his belly once freed, and Hikaru grabbed himself, using whatever jelly was left on his fingers to coat his cock. Even though Tatsuya had seen it more than he could count, it was a first in this life. Hikaru’s cock was girthy and a bit longer than Tatsuya’s, and right now it was red, leaking, and pulsating.

Hikaru let go of his cock and moved to lift up Tatsuya’s leg. He raised it a little to help Hikaru hook it over his shoulder, and winced as Hikaru leaned down, practically bending Tatsuya’s right side in half. Had he known he and Hikaru would fuck, he would have at least stretched before.

“Are you all right?” Hikaru asked.

Tatsuya nodded. “I’m just… too old to be bending like this.”

Hikaru laughed, leaning in to kiss the corner of Tatsuya’s mouth. “Don’t worry,” he said, “you’ll get used to it and I’ll start gentle.”

He didn’t reply to the teasing, and Hikaru moved on, ensuring that the pillow underneath his waist was fine and that the jar of petroleum jelly was out of the way. Hikaru took his cock in his hand and came closer. Tatsuya felt the head of his cock against his stretched hole and inhaled sharply.

“Go,” he told Hikaru.

Hikaru continued, and they both groaned as his cock pushed inside of Tatsuya. He moved slowly, going until most of his cock was inside, and then he stopped, brushing back Tatsuya’s hair again and kissing his forehead.

“Beautiful,” was all he said.

The compliments were endless after that. Hikaru started fucking him slowly, but after they were used to the sensation, he sped up, gaining a distinct rhythm. Hikaru hid his face in the crook of Tatsuya’s neck, panting and moaning, and gasping out compliments on how good Tatsuya was.

Tatsuya couldn’t say anything. All he could do was wrap his arms around Hikaru’s back to pull him as close as possible. He slid his hands across his skin and clawed into his back, and the sounds of Hikaru hissing in pain spurred him on. If Hikaru could leave his mark, so could Tatsuya.

“Kiss me,” Hikaru said suddenly and breathlessly.

Tatsuya obliged, removing one of his hands from his back and placing it on the back of Hikaru’s head. bringing him closer so they could kiss. He grabbed a fistful of Hikaru’s hair, tugging and pulling as he cried out into Hikaru’s open mouth.

“Hikaru, Hikaru,” he whined, with tears in his eyes again, as Hikaru’s cock began to hit a certain spot inside him. “Please.”

Hikaru kissed all over his face, reassuring him it was fine. “You’re so good, Tatsuya,” he muttered against his sweaty skin, “so beautiful and good.”

When Tatsuya was about to come, Hikaru reached between them and wrapped his fingers around his cock, jerking him in time with his thrusts.

“C’mon, Tatsuya, come,” Hikaru encouraged. “C’mon, baby.”

It wasn’t much longer before Tatsuya did, soiling both of their shirts with his come. He felt his body shaking as his vision went white, Hikaru still fucking into him with his cock and stroking him with his hand. It was so much that Tatsuya had no other reaction but tears and a cry.

Hikaru kissed his ear. “I love you so much,” he said.

With that, Tatsuya pulled him in for a kiss.

⁂

The realization of what happened with Hikaru hit Tatsuya the morning after. He awoke alone and naked in his bed. He was clean, and the sheets had been changed, but there was no sign of Hikaru. Tatsuya remembered everything. All the kissing and compliments.

And the confession.

“What have I done,” Tatsuya said to himself as he sat up in bed and looked around his empty room.

He had no time to think about it since Mother was quick to ask him down to breakfast. The Sakumas were having their ball tonight and they were going to go. But in the meantime, Tatsuya needed to take Yurina to pick up some things she’d ordered at some stores.

Tatsuya did as he was told, hoping that it would take his mind off Hikaru. It didn’t, but he ignored it as best he could, helping Yurina with her things and paying for a couple other last-minute purchases.

Apparently, she would wear it all to the ball tonight.

“Mother says Lord Iwamoto may propose tonight,” she said dreamily, twirling around in the street.

“He what?” Tatsuya asked.

“The Duchess believes so too.” Yurina clasped her hands together. “After how many times we’ve been out together, it seems about time.”

Tatsuya didn’t answer her, and he tried to talk less after that. Hikaru wouldn’t propose to Yurina, would he? No, especially not after last night.

And that much seemed to be true.

Once the evening came and they made their way to Sakuma Manor, it seemed like Iwamoto was keeping his distance. He asked other ladies to dance, but skipped over the area that the Fukazawas were sitting in, much to Yurina’s displeasure. Mother assured her that it would be fine and that she should enjoy the ball regardless. A few young gentlemen came up to Yurina and asked her to dance, and she seemed to feel better after coming back from the first one.

Tatsuya also asked some ladies to dance to satiate Mother, but he kept to the ladies he was friendly with. He danced with Sakuma’s sister-in-law, Watanabe’s sister, and he had even managed to dance with both of the Miyadate ladies.

After he finished his last dance with the youngest Miyadate lady and reconducted her to her seat, he left the ballroom to catch his breath. He entered the dining room and began to help himself to the food until someone sidled up next to him.

“Oh, Lord Fukazawa, what a surprise,” they said, but their tone wasn’t all that surprised.

Tatsuya looked to his right, finding the young Lord Maito Murakami. He was the youngest son of an older, widowed viscountess, and he was not yet of age, but he often found ways to sneak into balls and other parties without her. Tatsuya had heard that he’d been caught earlier this season and sent away to be in the care of his grandparents, but it seemed like he had returned to Tokyo and managed to find himself in Sakuma Manor.

“Murakami, does your mother know you’re out here?” Tatsuya asked, beginning to fill his plate with some cold meats.

Murakami shrugged. “She’s aware that I’m… out if that counts.”

He smiled cheekily, and Tatsuya rolled his eyes.

He looked around, wondering if he’d find one of Murakami’s friends hiding somewhere, but he saw no one. “Right,” he said. “I suppose I never saw you tonight then.”

“Correct, Lord Fukazawa!” he exclaimed. “By the way, do you have any money on you right now?”

Tatsuya scoffed. “What do you need money for?”

“To play some card games,” he said plainly.

“You’re not old enough to be betting,” Tatsuya chided. He stopped putting food on his plate and placed his hand on his hip, turning to Murakami. “All right, how much?”

Murakami grinned. “Oh, just enough.”

Tatsuya set his plate down, huffing and pulling some money out of his pocket. To think that he was going to try and play some games with it. “Enough? What constitutes enough for you?”

“However much you’re holding.”

Tatsuya gave it all to him, and Murakami pocketed it, thanking him and turning around. But then he stopped, turned on his heel, and came back.

“Right,” he said, clapping his hands together, “Lord Iwamoto actually told me to tell you he was going to be waiting for you in the library.”

He rushed away before Tatsuya was able to ask about it or demand his money back. “Oi, Murakami!” he called after him, and when Murakami left the dining room, he cursed under his breath.

He left his plate on the table and left as well, turning the opposite direction of the ballroom. Sakuma Manor was another place he knew well after spending his childhood running around the place, and it was also pretty sizable, with a great library in the middle of the third floor. The staircases were steep, and once Tatsuya reached the third floor, he was out of breath and grabbing onto the rail.

He didn’t know what Hikaru wanted with him or why he agreed to come up and see him. After last night, Tatsuya wondered what they would be. Would Hikaru ask for more? Or had he realized it was a mistake and wanted to break it off? Tatsuya couldn’t bear the thought of the latter.

When he reached the library, he knocked as a warning and then pushed open the door, stepping inside. Hikaru was standing by a table with a book in hand. Tatsuya closed the door behind him carefully.

“Hikaru,” he said, getting his attention. “Murakami said you were here.”

“Fukazawa,” Hikaru said, tossing the book down onto the table. “You came.”

Tatsuya nearly flinched at that. “Yes…”

“Listen, about last night,” Hikaru trailed off. “I, I left. At dawn, I left while you were sleeping.”

“Yes, you did,” Tatsuya murmured.

Hikaru looked a bit perplexed, his eyebrows drawn and his lips pursed. He placed a hand on his chin, his mouth opening and then closing a few times. “Listen, I hope it’s all right if we…”

It was a mistake to Hikaru, Tatsuya realized. He wanted to forget it, even though he had partaken in the flirtation just as much as Tatsuya had, if not even more.

He stepped back, his back hitting the door. “Hikaru, s-stop,” he stuttered, his hand flat on the door as he tried to find the doorknob to leave.

“Fukazawa, wait.” Hikaru sighed. “It’s about your sister.”

Tatsuya remembered what Yurina said. He froze. “You’re actually going to marry her?”

“What?”

After last night, Hikaru was still going to marry Yurina?

“I can’t,” Tatsuya said, waving his hand. He felt a knot form in his throat and he swallowed down hard. “I can’t do this. I have to leave.”

“Fukazawa,” Hikaru tried.

Tatsuya shook his head. “Listen, I meant it when I said I didn’t want any secret romances. This… Hikaru, this”—he motioned between them—“is over. This is where it ends. I can’t do it. You should marry Yurina and forget about last night and everything else—the stables, the game room, the drawing room, my room. It’s the best we can do.”

Knowing the both of them, they would drown and die in their shame if they carried on while Hikaru was married, even if it wasn’t against the law. It wasn’t easy for Tatsuya to break it off—it was the first time he had ever done so—but he could never betray Yurina’s trust, not even for was for Hikaru.

Tatsuya grabbed the doorknob and moved away so he could open the door. He stepped outside, realizing he was shaking.

“I’ll marry Yurina,” Hikaru called out from inside the library. “Then, the engagement will be announced two weeks from now.”

He closed the door with a loud thud and left.

Sure enough, the next morning, Tatsuya heard that Hikaru had come shortly after breakfast to give Yurina a written letter with his proposal for marriage.

⁂

“Fukazawa.”

Tatsuya looked up, finding Abe standing beside the table. “Oh, Abe…”

“I have an opportunity for you,” Abe said, rocking back and forth on his feet. “May I?”

“Please,” Tatsuya agreed, motioning to the empty seat in front of him.

The club was fairly empty today since there were some races, but he knew that it’d get busy later on when they finished. When that time came, he would go, needing to be in the quiet. He’d had a headache the last few days and had been sleeping poorly, but staying in his room was uninteresting. As long as he timed his visits right, he’d have a quiet club where he could be around others that wouldn’t bother him.

Obviously, Abe didn’t get the message. He took the seat across from Tatsuya and folded his hands in front of him on the tabletop.

“Fukazawa, I understand you have no desire for school,” Abe started.

Tatsuya snorted. “Right.”

“But my offer does not involve school,” Abe finished, giving him a pointed look. He laid his hands flat on the table and smoothed them out. “It’s an opportunity to travel. My former university mates are willing to host us until we find a place, and we’ll be able to travel as much as we like—France, Spain, Germany, Switzerland. Your passage will be all paid.”

“Oh?”

Abe smiled. “Koji will be coming along too, just to warn you.”

Tatsuya considered it. He didn’t want to go to Europe for school, but he’d love to travel there just to broaden his cultural intelligence. And all things considered, some time away from Japan would help him. Tatsuya would be in good hands with Abe, who was familiar with all of those countries, having visited them all during his studies, and Mukai would provide some relief with his bursting personality. There was no need to worry about money, passage, or board.

“When does the ship depart?” he asked.

“We depart from Yokohama next Thursday after breakfast.” Abe reached out, placing a hand over Tatsuya’s. “I’ll see you there?”

The season was coming to an end soon, and there would be nothing left for Tatsuya to take care of. As an older brother, he had accomplished his goal, and as a son, he would have no further responsibilities until Father passed on. Yurina’s engagement had been made known to close friends and family, but it was going to be announced publicly on Friday next week, so perhaps it would be better for Tatsuya to be gone by then. He wouldn’t be able to bear being present for the announcement.

“I’ll see you, Abe,” he confirmed with a nod of his head. “Next Thursday, Yokohama.”

Abe thanked him and left. Tatsuya stayed a while longer, having a few more drinks before he left. He wasn’t drunk enough to be stumbling once he got up to go, but his mind was hazy and he felt his footsteps lighter. He could feel himself getting excited at the idea of leaving Japan. He had always heard so many stories from those that traveled, and he had always yearned to have the experience as well. Even though he’d lived through hundreds of years, he’d never once tried to leave Japan, afraid of leaving Hikaru behind. But now he’d allow himself the opportunity to be away for as long as possible. Perhaps he could settle down in Paris and make friends with golden-haired, blue-eyed men, and have a taste of something different for the first time in all of his lives.

Tatsuya had no more cards to play in this game. He felt that he had laid them all out in front of Hikaru, admitting defeat. And like a kicked dog, Tatsuya would walk away from it all with his tail between his legs, never to come back.

He’d live freely from now on as a confirmed bachelor, until he died once again. Maybe this time, he’d lived long enough to pass naturally and painlessly, asleep in a bed within a house tucked in the mountains. And in the next life, maybe he and Hikaru could make it work.

“I’m leaving Japan,” was the first thing Tatsuya announced when he walked into the drawing room.

“What are you talking about?” Mother asked, incredulous. She waved her hand in front of Tatsuya and sniffed around. “Tatsuya, are you intoxicated? Were you at the gentlemen’s club?”

“Mother, Yurina, I’m going to France,” he said, ignoring Mother’s questions. He grinned. “With Abe and Mukai.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Mother chided.

He let himself be scolded and then led to his room, where he was changed and put to bed with the help of Mother and his valet. Mother sat with him for a while, a worried expression on her face. She brushed back his hair, sighing, but she said nothing. Tatsuya kept silent, considering the fact that maybe he was a bit more intoxicated than he thought, but he would explain everything to Mother and Father properly later.

And he did.

He invited Abe over the next day and had him explain the opportunity to his parents. Of course, Abe was convincing. He led with the best points and used all the keywords—cultural importance and significance, embracing modernity, expanding horizons and making contacts. Mother was absolutely delighted and even Father had little to complain about. The preparations would be rushed, but they would be completed by Wednesday, and Tatsuya would be off to stay at an inn in Yokohama until the morning of departure.

“Are you going to tell Iwamoto?” Watanabe asked when he visited on Tuesday.

Instead of the drawing room, they were in Tatsuya’s room as he was sorting through his own suits to see what he wanted to take. He needed enough to last the passage and the first few days while he became accommodated and could find a shop or tailor. And he would give the rest away. Perhaps he would see if Murakami needed anything, though it probably wouldn’t fit him.

Tatsuya hummed, setting aside an old suit. “No, I don’t see why I would,” he said.

The truth was that he wanted to tell Hikaru, but he couldn’t face him after their last meeting.

Watanabe snorted. “Because he hates having things unresolved,” he said. “If you leave without saying anything, he’ll pout and mope around for who knows how long, and we’ll have to deal with it.”

“God, you really aren’t suited for marriage, are you?” Tatsuya asked, ignoring Watanabe’s offended scoff. “What will you do if your future wife needs you to be emotionally available?”

“Hey,” Watanabe warned.

“Anyway, that sounds like a problem for you and Sakuma,” Tatsuya continued. “I don’t care what he does as long as it doesn’t hurt my sister.”

Watanabe sighed. “I still can’t believe he’s marrying Yurina. Even though they were out together so many times this season, he didn’t seem to care much for her.”

Tatsuya wrinkled his nose at Watanabe’s familiarity with Yurina, but he said nothing and kept working on sorting his suits.

“You really won’t come back?” Watanabe asked after a few more minutes, pouting a little. “For the wedding at least?”

“No, I really won’t,” he replied. He sighed, dropped the suit in his hands. “It’d be impractical to do so. I’ll just”—he waved his hands in the air—“ask for photos through the post or something.”

It was the first thing Yurina had promised to do when he had told her about his plans. She had gone on and on about how often she’d send Tatsuya letters and how she would try to convince Hikaru to visit him, to which he had said it wasn’t necessary—that had made her cry for a solid fifteen minutes. Despite her bouts of indifference or excessive teasing towards Tatsuya, Yurina was sad that he would be leaving so soon, especially before her engagement was announced to the public.

All Tatsuya could do was apologize and congratulate her.

“Don’t forget your promises,” he reminded her on Wednesday afternoon, just before he left for Yokohama. “All right?”

Yurina nodded, keeping her gaze down. Tatsuya hugged her tightly, kissing the top of her head.

She would be all right now, especially with Hikaru as her husband. He knew that he would be an attentive and loving partner, and he would make a great father to their future children, however many that may be. She’d become a marchioness now and a duchess later on. It was a future Tatsuya hadn’t lived through yet, and as sad as it was for him, he was excited for what life would bring to her and Hikaru. Maybe that had been it all along.

It wasn’t Tatsuya who was supposed to be with Hikaru, but Yurina. Only in this way could they live and remain as part of Tatsuya’s life. And without a doubt, it would help Father stay in the House of Peers.

And none of it included Tatsuya.

So upon arriving at the inn, Tatsuya allowed himself to cry.

He clutched at his chest, gasping for breath as the sobs racked through his body, shaking him violently. He buried his head in his hands, feeling the hot tears wet his palm. He couldn’t stop. He felt it would never stop. No matter how hard he bit down on his lip, the metallic taste of his blood lingering on his tongue, the cries escaped from his lips. He’d cry himself out of tears tonight, until he couldn’t open his puffy eyes.

Now that it was all said and done, Tatsuya had everything he wanted yet he had still lost, and it hurt to the deepest part of his soul. Just as he had said to Watanabe: he would never return home. As much as he loved Yurina and Hikaru, he would never be able to witness the life that they built together. He had spent lifetimes growing accustomed to the sweet smiles Hikaru pointed in his direction, smiles which would now be saved for Yurina and he would never see again.

Until the next one. Until the next one.

Tatsuya repeated the words in his mind, spending an hour with his back against the wall. He had run out of tears and his cries had died down to sniffles and small soundless sobs, punctuated with an occasional hiccup. His eyes hurt now and he had tears still drying on his cheeks. At least the sun had gone down. Peering out the window, he found a dark, cloudless sky. Not even the moon was in sight.

He had missed the dinner offered by the inn, but he didn’t feel hungry. He didn’t know if he ever would again. Abe and Mukai would have to shove food down his throat for the foreseeable future. Or perhaps they’d grow tired of him and toss him overboard somewhere in the Atlantic, or the Pacific, if they had enough of him before they could reach the Atlantic.

The thought made him chuckle dryly.

This was dying, he thought. Out of all the deaths he’d lived through, this was the worst. There was no way of dying that could beat out dying from the inside and remaining alive on the outside.

It was another hour or so before Tatsuya managed to pull himself up off the ground and drop into the bed. It wasn’t as comfortable as the one at the manor, but for one night, it would do. It suited his sadness. Hugging the pillow, Tatsuya cried once more, this time silently, until he fell asleep.

Sometime in the middle of the night, there was a pounding at his door. Tatsuya sat up in bed, groggy. He looked towards the door, seeing the warm white light peering in from the crack underneath it. He grunted as he got up, trudging to the door.

“What is it?” he asked, pulling the door open.

He opened his eyes, wondering if the inn owner had come to say something about him. Had he cried too loudly? Was he worried that he had died in the room when he hadn’t come out for dinner or supper?

But instead of the old inn owner, Tatsuya saw Hikaru. He was almost dreamlike, the light fixture behind him casting a golden halo around his outline. He must be dreaming right now, or even worse, he was hallucinating.

Tatsuya cleared his throat and shook his head.

“Sorry, sir,” he murmured, rubbing a fist over his eye with the hope that he would be able to erase the image of Hikaru from his mind and see that it really was the innkeeper. “I… If it’s about the noise—”

“Fukazawa.” Oh no, Tatsuya thought. He was even hallucinating Hikaru’s voice. “Fukazawa? Are you all right?”

The Hallucination walked in, taking Tatsuya by the shoulders and carefully leading him back to the bed. Tatsuya tried to shrug him off, mumbling something about how real The Hallucination felt. It even smelled like Hikaru.

“That’s because it is me, the real me.”

“Huh?”

Tatsuya shrugged off The Hallucination’s arm from around him and scooted away. He brought both his hands to his eyes, feeling how puffy they were, and he tried to rub the grogginess away.

He looked at The Hallucination again.

“I really am losing my mind,” he muttered, looking down at his feet wide-eyed. He dropped his head into his hands, closing his eyes, but even then, Hikaru did not leave. “Why… why… why—”

“Tatsuya,” The Hallucination said, pulling his shoulder back.

Tatsuya looked at him. The Hallucination wouldn’t be capable of saying that, he thought.

“Hikaru?” He pushed the hand on his shoulder off and stood up. This was the real Hikaru, he realized, and the tiredness and heaviness from before left his body. He was alert now, staring wide-eyed at Hikaru. “What are you doing here? You’re supposed to be…”—Tatsuya thrashed his arms around—“anywhere but here!”

Hikaru stood up, grabbing Tatsuya’s wrists. “I came for you!” he exclaimed, tugging Tatsuya forward.

Tatsuya felt like it wasn’t fair. He had cried enough tears for today and he had twisted the knife in his chest more than he should’ve. Now, Hikaru was here to make it worse? He wouldn’t allow it.

“No,” Tatsuya said, pulling his wrists out of Hikaru’s grasp. He stepped back and pointed at Hikaru. “You don’t get to do that! You don’t, Hikaru!”

He felt himself shaking. He retracted his hand, bringing it to his chest and grabbing a fistful of his shirt, clutching at himself like he’d be able to reach into his own body and pull the source of the pain out with his own hand. There were tears in his eyes again, and he slowly fell to his aching knees and sat back on his heels. The hot tears streamed down his cheeks again, and he choked back a sob.

Hikaru crouched in front of him. “Tatsuya,” he whispered, his hands hovering over Tatsuya’s, “don’t you get it?”

“There is nothing to get,” Tatsuya countered. Through his tears, he looked into Hikaru’s sad eyes. “There is nothing left.”

Hikaru placed his hands on either side of Tatsuya’s face gently, wiping away the tears. “How could you think that there is nothing left?”

“You,” Tatsuya said quietly, hearing the accusatory tone in his voice. “You can’t have it all, Hikaru. You want to marry my sister and have me too? How could I ever”—he hiccuped—“do that to her? How could you do that?”

“I did it for you!” Hikaru said loudly, letting Tatsuya go. He stood up and turned around, kicking the wooden frame of the bed. He seemed to realize what he had done. He let out a frustrated sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose. When he collected himself, he looked down at Tatsuya. There was an angry but pained look in his eyes. “You left me no choice. You said you couldn’t do it and then you said I should marry Yurina.”

Hikaru sounded choked up, and he sat on the side of the bed, his back to Tatsuya.

“It was either break it off and never see you again,” he said, his voice wavering, “or marry her and keep you in my life.”

Tatsuya stood up, a sudden burst of anger coursing through him at the confession. He came to stand in front of Hikaru and pushed him, letting him fall back onto the mattress. After climbing on top and sitting on Hikaru’s thighs, Tatsuya leaned over and held him down by his shoulders.

“You should have never agreed!” Tatsuya cried, digging his fingernails into Hikaru’s shoulders. He let his tears fall down onto Hikaru’s vest.

“I wouldn’t have if I knew you were leaving,” Hikaru replied. He scanned Tatsuya’s face. “Why didn’t you tell me you were leaving? Why did I have to find out from my sister?”

Tatsuya let him go and got off the bed, turning his back to Hikaru and hugging himself. “Can’t you see the state I am in without the goodbye?” he asked sarcastically. “I never would’ve survived one.”

He heard a sigh, and then he felt Hikaru’s strong arms, pulling him back. He let himself be, sitting back on the bed in between Hikaru’s legs. Hikaru embraced him tightly, resting his forehead near the base of his neck.

If it was the last time Hikaru held him, Tatsuya would allow it. He rested his hands overtop of Hikaru’s arms, exhaling slowly and closing his eyes.

He turned his head to the side when he felt Hikaru kiss the bare skin, right where his hair ended. “Hikaru,” he whispered.

Hikaru turned his head up and pressed his lips to the corner of Tatsuya’s mouth. “If you must leave tomorrow, allow me to send you off,” Hikaru mumbled against his skin. “One final time.”

Tatsuya hummed, leaning back into Hikaru. “All right.”

“If we must part tomorrow and then die alone in this life, trust that I will find you and love you once more in the next one.”

And then Hikaru kissed him.

⁂

When Tatsuya woke up, Hikaru was lying in bed beside him. He was naked, his warm skin kissed by the early morning sun that filtered in through the window. Tatsuya sat up, rubbing his eyes. He looked back down at Hikaru, realizing that there were bruises along his shoulders and collarbones and scratches on his arms.

“Oh,” Tatsuya whispered.

He looked out the window. The inn had a decent view of the sea and the port. He could see the ships and he knew that he had to get ready now so he could go. Quietly, he slipped out of bed and collected his undergarments. He pulled his shirt over his head, feeling how crusty it was with the come from last night. He shook his head in disbelief.

He had slept with Hikaru, his sister’s fiancé. He could feel the guilt beginning to pool in the bottom of his stomach, and it made him uneasy.

Before he left, he took one last look at Hikaru. He reached out and ran his fingertips along the smooth expanse of his bare arm, feeling how warm he was.

It was a shame, Tatsuya thought, that they wouldn’t work out in this lifetime. But just as Hikaru had said, they would find themselves in the next one and love each other once more. It was a bit amusing to Tatsuya that Hikaru would speak of something like lifetimes, unknowing of how many Tatsuya had lived through. He wondered if Hikaru would understand if he tried to explain it. It would be marvelous if he did, and if they could believe that they were always going to be together no matter what.

Maybe he would try to explain it to the next Hikaru.

He quietly left the room, closing the door behind him. He would take a bath and then have a small breakfast, as Abe said there would also be breakfast on the ship. Abe had been staying at the inn next door with Mukai, so they would meet outside and make their way to the ship together. By afternoon, they’d be a few hours away from the coast.

After his bath, Tatsuya thought it over once more and smiled to himself, a bittersweet feeling in his heart. But when he reached the ground floor, his smile dropped.

“Abe?” he asked, rushing over. “What’s wrong?”

“Fukka…” Abe grimaced. “We have to delay boarding for a while.”

“Why’s that?” Tatsuya asked, shocked that Abe himself would say it.

“Fukka,” Mukai said seriously, “your sister rejected Iwamoto’s proposal.”

Abe hushed Mukai, who quietly complained that he’d done nothing wrong. “Fukka, the ship doesn’t leave until after breakfast, so if you want to go back to Tokyo and find out what happened before we go…”

Tatsuya didn’t answer. He simply left, rushing out and running towards the train station. It would take about an hour to get to Shimbashi Station and half an hour to get to the manor. It would barely give him enough time to go and come back.

As he rushed through the station and purchased his ticket, he began to try to think of every possible reason that would’ve led Yurina to reject Hikaru’s proposal when she had initially accepted it two weeks ago. It was supposed to be announced tomorrow!

At the very least, he was glad Yurina changed her mind before she caused a great deal of embarrassment to the family. There would still be messes to clean up and rumors to dispel about why she and Hikaru didn’t work out, but it wouldn’t be a broken engagement.

Tatsuya cursed in his mind, remembering that Hikaru was still at the inn. He wondered if Hikaru would wake up and panic, but Abe and Mukai were still there, so he’d be able to quickly realize that Tatsuya hadn’t left. But besides that, did Hikaru know his proposal had been denied?

The entire train ride to Tokyo, Tatsuya was anxious. When he deboarded, he rushed to find a rickshaw that would take him to the manor. He urged the driver to go as fast as they could, and he would pay them double as a reward. The sun had not yet entirely risen over the horizon, so he was doing well on time. Unless he spent too much time arguing with his parents and Yurina.

But it seemed like what he needed to do was break up the fight between them. Tatsuya burst into the drawing room, finding Mother yelling at Yurina, who was sat on the loveseat with her hands crossed across her chest and an ugly frown on her face.

“Tatsuya?!” Mother cried out. “What on earth are you doing here?”

She collapsed onto her chair, a proper damsel in distress.

“I came because I heard someone”—he looked at Yurina—“isn’t getting engaged.”

“You didn’t have to come back for this!” Yurina said, clearly upset. She got up and stomped over, hitting Tatsuya. “Why are you so foolish, Tattsu?”

Tatsuya grabbed her by the shoulders to stop her. “Why did you decline the proposal?”

Yurina huffed, shrugging him off. She made her way back to the loveseat, sitting down with a sigh. “Lord Iwamoto came to me yesterday after you left, and he said something to me that made me change my mind.”

“What did he say?” Tatsuya asked, freezing in his spot by the door.

“He said there was another he loved!” Yurina threw herself onto the loveseat, burying her head in the cushion. Her voice was muffled when she continued, “And that he had to go to her, then he left!”

“That…”

Yurina sat back up, her cheeks burning a deep pink. “He said he wouldn’t break off the engagement to protect me, but he basically pleaded that I do it.”

Tatsuya was left speechless. Hikaru had broken it off and then went to Yokohama for him. He had to go back now and talk to Hikaru, but he also couldn’t leave without comforting Yurina. He finally broke his stance, moving to the loveseat and sitting on the opposite end of it.

“Have you any idea where he went?” Tatsuya asked carefully.

Yurina shook her head. “No, he only said he had to go,” she pouted.

“Are you truly that sad?” he pressed on.

Again, Yurina shook her head. “I suppose that my affections towards my lord are not so deep that my heart is broken. But I was supposed to be married!” She huffed again, tossing her head back. To the ceiling, she said, “It’s just humiliating. After you and I spent all season with the Iwamotos, he still managed to fall in love with another woman. When did he have time to see her?!”

Tatsuya snickered. If Tatsuya was supposed to be the lady, Yurina would be surprised at how often Hikaru had actually met with “her”. He patted Yurina’s knee. “If you’re not heartbroken, you’ll overcome the humiliation much more easily. Besides, you had other proposals given to you.”

At this, Yurina’s eyes lit up, and she finally smiled. “Oh, you’re right!”

“And they are all very suitable gentlemen that I personally approve of.”

Tatsuya was able to leave the manor after a bit, Yurina promising that she would write about whoever she got engaged to. She thanked Tatsuya for everything, but when he offered to hug her again, she said he could go now. Mother had the carriage prepared and gave him some money for his ticket back to Yokohama. By the time he boarded the train back, the sun was much higher in the sky and he could only hope he didn’t miss Abe and Mukai boarding the ship.

Thankfully, he found them loitering out in front of the inn, and with them was Hikaru.

“I’ve returned,” Tatsuya announced as he walked up to them.

“Where were you?” Hikaru asked.

Abe and Mukai grimaced.

Tatsuya shrugged. “Just… around.”

Hikaru hummed, accepting the answer without complaint. Then, he pulled something from the pocket of his coat and showed it to Tatsuya.

“What is it?” he asked, leaning in closer to see.

“My passage,” Hikaru offered. He returned it to his pocket before Tatsuya could really see what it was and then nodded towards Abe. “Abe said there was one spot left on the ship if I wanted it.”

Tatsuya choked. “What?” he croaked out. “What does that mean?”

“It means… Hikaru is coming with us!” Abe exclaimed with far too much excitement, clapping his hands.

“Then… Can I have a word with you, Fukazawa?” Hikaru asked.

Tatsuya nodded, and the two of them separated from Abe and Mukai, who excused themselves and returned to the inn to retrieve their suitcases. Tatsuya and Hikaru walked a ways down the street, stopping under the shade of a tree.

“You went to Tokyo, didn’t you?” Hikaru asked.

“I did,” Tatsuya said, unable to conceal the fact. “Mukai told me this morning when I woke up. Why didn’t you tell me?”

Hikaru didn’t answer right away. He pursed his lips and scuffed the toe of his shoe on the ground. “Well, you see, I was supposed to,” he finally admitted, stuffing his hands into his pockets and shrugging. “But then we got preoccupied.”

Tatsuya felt his face get hot, and he pressed the palms of his hands to his cheeks. “Oh,” he said. “And why…”

“Why am I going with you?” Hikaru finished. Tatsuya nodded, and it made him snort. “You still don’t get it?”

“What is there to get?” Tatsuya countered, crossing his arms.

Hikaru reached out and caressed his cheek. His voice dropped to a whisper when he said, “Wherever you go, I follow.” He dropped his hand and scratched his head. “I thought you would notice since I’ve been doing it all season. First, in the game room at Miyadate Manor, then with the dance, the gardens at Fukazawa Manor with Meguro. And when you told me to stay away, I was going to, but then I heard Lady Yurina was interested in me, and if I could see her, I would have a reason to see you too.”

Tatsuya’s mouth fell open in disbelief. “You—!” He shook his head. “I thought Lady Mai had you ask all those times so she could see Yurina without being denied.”

Hikaru shook his head. “That’s wrong. You know, Mai would never.”

“If you married Yurina, what then?” Tatsuya asked.

“I could’ve lived without being able to touch and kiss you as long as you remained by my side.” Hikaru smiled sadly. “When Mai told me you were leaving and not coming back, I knew I couldn’t go forward with it any longer. It wouldn’t have been fair, so I told Yurina the truth.”

“You told her I was a lady,” Tatsuya countered.

Hikaru laughed. “All right, so I told her most of the truth, but I couldn’t tell her I was chasing her brother.” He offered his hand. “C’mon.”

Tatsuya was surprised that it had worked out this way.

On the train ride back, he thought that he would make up with Hikaru but still go, at least for a few years while he fulfilled his dreams of being in a place other than Japan, and when he was ready, he would come back and, if Hikaru was still willing, they’d pick things up where they left off.

But now… now he and Hikaru could leave together and share a new life until they had to return.

It wasn’t something he and Hikaru had done before, but that made it all the more exciting.

“Tatsuya,” Hikaru said, offering his hand again, “don’t make me beg.”

Tatsuya laughed, taking Hikaru’s hand. “All right, let’s go.”

⁂

“Hikaru!” Tatsuya called into the house. He looked around but saw no sign of him. “Hikaru?”

“I’m coming!” Hikaru called back. He came out of the kitchen as he was pulling on his coat. “I’m here, I’m here.”

“C’mon, we’re going to be late,” Tatsuya urged, offering his hand. “They’re going to be left waiting, and Yurina will have a conniption if we leave them waiting longer than five minutes.”

“All right, all right,” Hikaru said, taking Tatsuya’s hand. “Let’s go.”

The two of them made their way down the garden path, and Tatsuya opened the gate. He looked back at the house once before Hikaru tugged him along, stuffing their joined hands into his coat’s pocket.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

Tatsuya looked at him. “Do you think we’ll have enough room for everyone?”

“They’re children, Tatsuya. We can fit all of them on one bed.”

“If you say so.”

After leaving Japan, Tatsuya and Hikaru hadn’t turned back once.

They’d traveled all around Europe with Abe and Mukai, visiting all the historical landmarks and learning about the various cultures—or at least Abe and Hikaru learned about the cultures, Tatsuya and Mukai not so much.

But after three years, they decided to return to France, using half of their money to buy a humble house in a countryside town not far from Nice. It was a departure from the grand estates of their families—a fact that had always made Tatsuya laugh—but it was comfortable and they had become accustomed to living simply after traveling for so long.

It had been nearly five years since they had lived here, and they had changed because here, they were not Marquess Iwamoto and Count Fukazawa. They were simply Hikaru and Tatsuya, who spent every day tending to their garden and every night wrapped in each other’s embrace.

“Do you think Mai will say anything?” Hikaru asked as they reached the dilapidated train station.

They took a seat on a wooden bench, looking down the tracks where the train would be coming.

“Um…” Tatsuya looked at Hikaru, who was touching his face, and then patted his knee. “She’ll probably just laugh, but don’t worry. I think you’re very handsome.”

They had not only changed the way they lived, but the way they’d looked. Tatsuya had grown his hair out a little, only trimming it every few months, and he had some new wrinkles on his face now that he was close to being forty, so he wasn’t too different. But Hikaru was definitely different. He had taken over a lot of manual work upon coming here, so he was more muscular, something Tatsuya loved, but he had also been convinced by one of their neighbors to grow out his facial hair. It didn’t take away from his handsomeness in Tatsuya’s eyes—it suited him well, especially now that they were older—but it had definitely been a decision that Hikaru had made and was living with currently.

The train didn’t take much longer, the sound of it running down the track was heard when it was barely in sight. It came to a slow stop in front of them, and very few people came out. Among them was a group of people who were clearly not French.

Tatsuya stood up and opened his arms as he saw Yurina. She didn’t look too different, maybe just a bit pudgier, but she certainly had changed because she wrapped her arms around Tatsuya tightly. It was something she would’ve never done before, but she had grown up as well.

“Tattsu! Look at you!” she exclaimed, pulling back and looking him over. She let him go and turned to gather her three children, lifting her youngest and sitting him on her hip. “Look, it’s Uncle Tattsu. Say hi.”

Tatsuya received a few shy hellos, the two of them hiding behind her skirt. They weren’t too different from the photographs Yurina had sent him earlier in the year. Her oldest had just turned four, her second was three, and the third was only a year old, so Tatsuya hadn’t been able to send any proper correspondence and only sent gifts.

“They don’t know me,” Tatsuya laughed. He reached over to pat the youngest on the head. “That’s all right.”

From behind him, he could hear Lady Mai’s laugh. He and Yurina turned their attention to Hikaru and found that she was laughing at him.

“Lord Fukazawa, why would you let him do this?” she asked, almost with tears in her eyes with how hard she was laughing.

Hikaru pinched her. “Stop laughing at me,” he pouted.

“You look good, Hikaru.”

“Oh, shut up, Sakuma.”

The greatest surprise of everything was that after they left Japan, Yurina had gone off and married Sakuma. She had told Tatsuya in her first letter to him that she was finally engaged, but she kept the identity a secret until after they were married. It had been a happy affair and it had helped boost Father’s reputation enough that he have moved up to a rank or marquess. Tatsuya had been in disbelief that, after all the insults she had thrown Sakuma’s way, he had married her.

In his own letter to Tatsuya, Sakuma had said that Yurina was actually a very sweet girl and he liked her enough to forgive the past. Tatsuya didn’t care for the details, and while he was surprised, he was glad that Yurina picked someone who was a good person, even if it was one of his friends.

Lady Mai, on the other hand, had married a lord that they didn’t know the season following their departure. Unfortunately, he had passed away three years earlier, but she had two children with him that were school-aged.

Tatsuya greeted both Sakuma and Lady Mai, along with her two children, who were much less shy than Yurina’s.

“Uncle Tattsu,” one of them said, “can you carry me?”

The other one jumped on Hikaru, asking him the same.

Tatsuya agreed, picking the boy up and turning him over to lie on his back. “C’mon, let’s go. We can have someone with a wagon drop off the suitcases.”

Hikaru led the way, carrying Lady Mai’s other son on his back, and Sakuma walked beside him, holding the hands of his kids in his hands. Lady Mai walked on Hikaru’s other side.

Tatsuya fell behind with Yurina, the dirt road kicking up dust around their feet.

“I’m happy that you’re happy, Tattsu,” she said after a while.

“I can say the same about you,” he replied. “Sakuma’s nice.”

She rolled her eyes. “Leave him alone.”

“I mean it!”

She laughed, shaking her head. “You know, at that last ball, he danced with me three times.”

“Oh, wow,” Tatsuya said.

“So, how’s life here?” she asked.

“Slow.”

“And Lord Iwamoto?”

“He’s good,” Tatsuya said.

“That’s good.”

It hadn’t taken long for Yurina to realize that Hikaru had gone to Yokohama to find Tatsuya. She had pieced it together after a few months when Sakuma revealed that Tatsuya and Hikaru had caused trouble, and when Tatsuya wrote to her to tell her that he would be living in France, she had simply asked if Hikaru would stay with him too. She hadn’t said much else, only asking after Hikaru occasionally and if he was treating Tatsuya well.

And he was. Hikaru had looked over Tatsuya for the last ten years, never failing on his promise to stay by his side.

Tatsuya wouldn’t change it for the world.

A few hours later, once the kids had their dinner and had been put to bed, the adults had their dinner, sharing stories that they had missed over alcohol. Then Lady Mai had played a song on the out of tune piano in the corner of the house, and Sakuma had danced with Yurina, the two of them moving around the living room clumsily. Hikaru had offered his hand to Tatsuya, and they too had danced, laughing at their missteps and complaining when they bumped into the others.

It was fun and a little nostalgic. Tatsuya told Hikaru this when they were getting ready to sleep.

“You think it’s nostalgic because we’ve lived it before?” Hikaru asked, cuddling up behind him.

Tatsuya hummed. “No, I haven’t ever lived a life like this before,” he answered. He had never told Hikaru of his lives and deaths, but he joked about them when Hikaru brought up such things, pretending to be playing along with his antics. “This one is new.”

“Then, what would you want to do next?” Hikaru asked, hooking his chin on Tatsuya’s bare shoulder. “We can’t live the same life twice, so what do you want to do next?”

“We could travel to Canada,” Tatsuya said.

Hikaru kissed his shoulder. “Okay,” he agreed. “We’ll go to Canada.”

“No, wait,” Tatsuya said, turning around and looking at Hikaru. “I want to go to South America.”

“South America it is. Anywhere in particular?”

Tatsuya turned back around, and Hikaru wrapped an arm around him, burying his nose in his hair. “Not really,” he answered. “We’ll just go and see what fits us.”

“Then let’s do that,” Hikaru agreed.

Tatsuya grabbed Hikaru’s hand and played with his fingers. After a few minutes, he heard Hikaru’s breathing getting heavier. “Hikaru?” he asked.

Hikaru only hummed, which told Tatsuya he was beginning to fall asleep.

“I love you in every lifetime,” he said, kissing the tips of Hikaru’s fingers.

“I do too,” Hikaru said, kissing the back of Tatsuya’s head. “In all the lives I’ve lived, the one I live now, and the ones I’ll live in the future, I love you, Tatsuya.”

Tatsuya smiled.

Then. Now.

Forever.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

oh my goddd every scene hit me like a TRUCK. this was such a nice read!

[(Anonymous)]

This story gave me so much feels!! 😭💖 tbh, these days, I avoid reading long fics cos I'm having difficulties focusing but I'm happy I gave this a try. This one's really worth my time 🥺 To the author, good job and thank you for writing this! While reading, I can't help but feel that this is giving me kinda Bridgerton vibes 😂 and omg I LOOOVVVEE how you wrote the dance scenes 😍 idk who you are but really, if you have other stories (snowman or not) I'd love to read them all 🥹

[halocinated]

hello author-san!!!

i needed time to write this comment because the first time i read this i spent waaay too long on gushing over the details. and rereading it. and rereading again. i have gathered my bearings enough now and coming back to tell you all the things i LOVED about this fic.

whew. where do i start?? i think i screamed a little (a lot actually) when i read the first few paragraphs. like?? fukka is in a cycle of rebirth in which in every lives he's trying to get things right so all the people he loves will be safe and sound?? WOW I'M ON MY SEAT ALREADY. I'M READY. and as i read, i noticed that there's a substantial part of this fic that went to the siblings dynamic with the fukazawas (& iwamotos) ... i love LOVE that. i love it when familial relations get a lovingly crafted parts and yurina&fukka's banter in this is so lovely :"( how ready he was to do it all for his sister, for his family... god, already a man after my heart aren't u, fukka-san of this fic. the bug scene is also lovely!! i love how even fukka and iwamoto won't try to protect yurina if there's bug involved lol and mai!! mai is so lovely and quick to catch on! i wonder how much she knows abt her brother and fukka during the fic?? hmm...

i also love the mentions and portions the other snowman members on this fic get!! the 92z bond, date being a young duke (fits him so well), koji and abe being the free souls they are (i like to think that they traveled around europe more and publish a book together when they're back in japan <3), THE RAUL CAMEO!! BABY. and meme. oh, meme. i might have teared up a little on your description on meme and how his scenes with fukka went. IT'S SO... lovely!! (i seem to have no other words to say but this) (but it is indeed!! LOVELY!!) the three way confrontation with iwamossan get me gripping the edge of my seat like!!! meme is so gentle. and lovely. i'm kind of heartbroken for him at that but :") well it's a testament of your writing i think!!!

and the miyata-takahashi cameo!!! i don't know if you know but lately i've been kind of endeared by them so seeing them in this fic being fukka's card-playing friends is a pleasant surprise!! so thank you for that, hehehe.

and to go the main part, our main leads, iwamossan and fukka himself. god. them in this fic is truly the embodiment of IDIOTS ... idiots all over. (i said this affectionately) fukka with his assumptions, iwamossan and his subtle and not so subtle approach. they dance around each other trying to get the other to notice (iwamossan) and trying to get things right according to his past memories (fukka). when fukka said that iwamoto is the love of his every life, my heart hurts. i think things won't be like this if they do talk but that's what's makes them, them i guess... at least it gave me a WALTZING SCENE.... gotta say that this is my favorite scene of the fic like god. GODDDDDDDDDDDDD THEY DANCED?? TOGETHER?? EVEN WHEN FUKKA HATES WALTZ ... i might have teared up while reading that. the image in my head is so lovely. and every time they do talk with only the two of them it ends up very heart wrenching like why, iwamossan. why, fukka. i was so sad for you two. i was already murdering my handkerchief. at least in the end iwamoto get his mind together and it's not too late :")

also gonna say that their tension in this fic, esp before the first sex scene and before-after the engagement talk between iwamoto & yurina is very *chef's kiss* i really cannot predict the which direction will this fic take while reading and i really liked that! it makes the ending much more meaningful to me. to think that they're happy together and surrounded by the people they love, after all those things fukka did... :") maybe his answer is indeed iwamoto from the start. like, they only need to have the courage to be together to make things work and maybe the world will finally say that it is enough (and give them that release from pain and let them take their own happiness). all the dialogue about loving each other in their next life and what not really gets to me though... like. oh, if only you know, iwamossan. if only. (me and fukka on the same page for this)

(also i laughed at this: “I’m just… too old to be bending like this.” so sorry fukka. so sorry.)

ALL IN ALL!!! i think this fic managed to hit all of my likings and truly feels like it is?!? tailored and written for me?!? i might have cried a little (A LOT) while reading and rereading because. wow. this masterpiece?!? is for me?!? you're godsent, author-san. and very, very talented. thank you for this golden piece of fanfiction. i truly cannot thank you enough...... and, wow. my comment has gotten so long. so sorry for my ramblings.

well!! i think this is all from me (FOR NOW!!!) once again thank you author-san for writing this <3 looking forward to the reveal so i can READ ALL THE FIC YOu'VE WRITTEN!!! hihi <3

[yuuki_nyanmaru]

Dear author, oh, there's just so much I want to say. First of all, the premise that Fukka has lived many lives had me hooked on the story immediately. The fact that he has the goal to save his family, and that Hikaru and he had been basically soulmates in all his lifetimes... This is just so incredibly good. I was so curious to understand together with Fukka what had going on in this life, so I was totally glued to the screen every time a character showed up. I was all conjecturing in my mind all kinds of theories lmao. Every bit of the plot was interesting, and the plot twists! Gosh, especially the last one!!! Hikaru breaking the engagement because wherever Fukka goes he just follows :')))) There are tears in my eyes, author. And that lovely ending, with Iwafuka living happily together, and Yurina with Sakuma, and also lady Mai, with their children... As I said, tears in my eyes.

Also, as someone who loves historical settings, I legit screamed at how good you wrote it. Really author, you're so good with words, it was a huge delight to read this. I also don't know if the setting was half-inspired by Bridgerton, but I imagined that setting so I loved this even more.

I'm surely going to come back to this because it's just too good, so reading this only once is not enough. Keep up the good work, author-san!!! 🥰

[gdgdbaby]

i enjoyed this story so much! you really swept us up into fukka's headspace, and i really loved joining him on his journey of discovery in this new universe after countless others in the past had gone awry. as i was reading, i'd even forgotten about the implied past fukka/meme tag in the header and was so !!! when that happened! and you write iwa so well, he's so fixated on fukka just like he is in real life :') i'm so happy that you gave them the happy ending they deserved :D thanks so much for writing and sharing, it was a delight!

[ruwa]

Ahhhh I REALLY enjoyed this fic!! I love that you wrote this from Fukka's point of view because I love hearing his perspective on IwaFukka, but it works especially well in this case because now we have a mystery to solve.

Multiple lives/reincarnation is a trope I love in general, but this take on it--reincarnating in the same life multiple times--is SO good! I love the way that influenced the story, because some things are constant (Fukka's childhood, his friends etc) while some things are not (his relationships with his constants). It was incredible going on this journey with him, trying to understand what past!Fukka did and watching him try to figure out what the best moves are in the present to protect the future.

My heart was fully in my throat from when IwaFukka finally (finally!) get together to that night in the inn in Yokohama!!! Fools!!! I love them 😭 And I'm happy everyone got the happy ending they deserved ;-;

Also all the cute rl details you incorporated (especially the Miyata/Kyohei/Fukka Pokemon card game squad 😂 and Raul fleecing Fukka for all his money LMAO) were DELIGHTFUL, I cackled so much!!!

Thank you for this incredible fic, op!!